so i'm feeling not so strong today. H was mean to me and though he ultimately apologized (on his own), it's hard to imagine that things are ending.
i'm really kicking myself for the backslide last week. to be honest, things were really going well and according to the plan the db coach set up...and i screwed it up. i know i can't blame myself but it really set me back. i should have just kept my mouth shut.
H is now withdrawing again. sigh. he's talking about the D in more final terms and the plan is that things will end at the end of July.
i'm really kicking myself for the backslide last week. to be honest, things were really going well and according to the plan the db coach set up...and i screwed it up. i know i can't blame myself but it really set me back. i should have just kept my mouth shut.
Forget about it..
In reality, he probably has too..
Mistakes are only that, IF you keep making them.
Wallowing in them and not moving forward, keeps YOU from taking a step forward for you.
Dwelling on them allows you to focus on the marriage and not yourself.
Originally Posted By: Pandora
H is now withdrawing again. sigh. he's talking about the D in more final terms and the plan is that things will end at the end of July.
And he told you this ?
That is an assumption that is bringing only you down.
Whatever is going on right now with him....has to happen...
And the more you focus on where he is...the less you can focus on where you are.
i am really hard on myself. overall, i've been doing ok but i do keep kicking myself for this (coach had told me this was not my time right now since i'm in the friendship phase and this was pass/fail...ugh, now i feel like i'm starting all over again). you're right, i can't wallow and need to move on but each time he seems withdrawn, i feel so out of control and depressed. i'm supposed to be working on feeling calm and courageous.
about the date, yes he told me... i'm trying to "act as if' it's not coming. honestly, easier said than done.
Quote:
Whatever is going on right now with him....has to happen...
you're absolutely right.
i think part of what i keep beating myself about is that at a time where he was starting to feel "safe" and was opening up to me, i reared my ugly head and showed him that he wasn't. and there we go again.
then for my own self, i'm trying so hard to move forward, stay positive, but the times i feel out of control, i'm a mess. so i keep beating myself over and over again. my IC keeps telling me to be compassionate to myself (she says to give some of the compassion i show to H, to myself). to be honest, i'm not very good at that.
Quote:
And the more you focus on where he is...the less you can focus on where you are. And maybe that should be the other way around.
YES. sigh, some days are better than others and today is in the middle.
Thanks for stopping by my thread. I haven't been keeping up with everyone...too busy, which I guess is good but my house is starting to show the effects!
You sound really good and I will pray for patience for you too!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
started packing our condo this week. still living at H's new place, then headed out for my trip and when i come back in august, i'll have to find a new place to stay. this is the first time in my life things are SO unplanned. it's actually not so bad - although i might be cursing myself come august 1st and i have no where to go! some friends think i'm nuts that i don't have it figured out yet but honestly, i can only handle one thing at a time right now. it's too hard to try set my life "right" in one fail swoop...i mean what does that look like anyways?
so for now, need to pack cause movers are coming on the 23rd. then will clean and fix a few things for the tenants that are moving in. and then will focus on packing and getting ready for my trip to...Spain. <-- funds running out b/c of this though...my finances are a whole diff't discussion
it's kind of sad to pack my place. found our old wedding albums but didn't open them. i'm surprised though that i'm not too emotional over it...i guess it's cause i'm numb?
i'll tell you one thing though, i am exhausted! i'm still putting on a happy face for H ('fake it till i make it'), friends who were supportive have started dropping off since they are finally fed up, trying to figure out logistics (w/o having H involved since i'm still "working" on M) which includes packing and such, and then work which has been chill for this entire year just went bonkers. "when it rains it pours"...good thing i love pouring rain.
oh and H is driving me nuts. the mixed signals are just way too much. he's moody...sometimes totally withdrawn and other times so friendly, loving and open with his feelings. anyone want advice on validating...send ?s my way...lol!
I disagree with a LOT on those lists above. You HAVE to talk to people. You DO need help from your family. It's how much is disbursed, what is disbursed, etc that makes the difference.
Sorry...I won't use the word 'spying' per se, but putting your head in a hole is the most 'regrettable' action I hear DB'ers say. KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR MARRIAGE. To do otherwise is enabling.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
as for me, still trying to deal with this beast of a MLC/WAS?? (still not clear but one thing i am sure of is...WTF).
next thursday is D-day. H is taking a trip, then i leave for my trip a few days later and when i come back, unless something has changed (aka a miracle and he wants me back), our marriage will be dissolved. w/o having to go into a long explanation about why, it's a religious divorce and for my H and I, that is what we're taking as the real deal. so haven't even started the legal stuff yet. sigh.
taking all my energy to keep my sanity and PMA going in this next week.
would love for some kind words of support/encouragement/anything positive.
Regardless of what kind of divorce (religous or legal) it is a death. Allow yourself to grieve. There has been no legal steps taken in my case, yet I will tell you that my H could not be more divorced from me emotionally and that's where the hurt come from.
What is that you do that makes you feel good? I know the answer right now may be "nothing". Even so, get up and force yourself if you have to, to get out and minimally go for a walk. Do something that allows you to clear your head. I used to go on these long walks and I would run different scenarios in my head and even have convos outloud. May sound odd, but it got it out and expended the energy. There were times early on, I went for lots of these long walks. If that's not your thing, find something that is.
Do you meditate at all? I couldn't shut don't my mind from racing at first, but slowly, I was able to quiet my thoughts and get a benefit from this too.
I know all of this sounds like a crock right now. It feels like a black hole where your heart is. It truly does get better and the only thing that helps is time and taking care of yourself.
I know you have the stength to get through this. If I can do this, so can you.
thanks grace for your kind post. your advice is really good and doesn't sound like a crock! it makes a lot of sense and is real.
i'll do the meditating and i have been praying a whole lot! and i'll do more self-talk...i think if the car could speak, it might actually respond to me since i've had so many convos with myself in there.
i'm so sorry you had to go through this and feel that way for everyone who is on this board. it breaks my heart really...b/c the pain of missing your spouse the way they were, it's tough! and you're right, it's a death except your spouse didn't actually die. would it actually be easier if they did? my apologies if that sounds offensive but i do wonder.
<-- funds running out b/c of this though...my finances are a whole diff't discussion