You know I found that to be true here as well. Sort of freeing isn't it?
It is.
It also took me along time to get here. As much as you get tired of hearing it esp early on, Patience, Patience, Patience. And of course, working on ourselves.
Such a painful evening. Cooked for in-laws and took it out to their home to help my SIL out. Then came home and cooked for kids and their friends. H came over and helped. He informed me that he rented a place for a week. At the end of the evening we talked on the porch about the fact that the kids wanted to talk to him tomorrow. He said that he wanted the kids to know that he wasn't miserable. He wanted me to know that he is taking steps to be independent. He did not want to be accountable to me. I asked him if he planned on seeing other people - and he said he wasn't going to do anything that would be "in my face." He said he looked forward to maybe finding the "intimacy" that he had never felt with me. I asked how it was possible for me to believe we had incredible intimacy and he not believe it. He just said it was never there and now he is being honest. In 2 months time he has gone from my best friend, lover, everything - to no feelings for me at all! I know, I know what everyone is going to say - and rationally I know it's not me - but it hurts so much and I am as heartbroken and devastated as I have ever been in my life! I have no hope that he might return because how could he ever forgive himself for the things he has said and done??? Who does these things - who changes their complete dynamic and turn into this kind of selfish, narcissistic monster? How do they convince themselves that they've never been happy or that everything about 28 years has been a lie???? I don't know how you get through this!!!!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
He said that he wanted the kids to know that he wasn't miserable. He wanted me to know that he is taking steps to be independent. He did not want to be accountable to me.... I asked how it was possible for me to believe we had incredible intimacy and he not believe it. He just said it was never there and now he is being honest..... Who does these things - who changes their complete dynamic and turn into this kind of selfish, narcissistic monster? How do they convince themselves that they've never been happy or that everything about 28 years has been a lie????
Irish,
All of this, IMO, is script. It is all a version of stuff that we have all heard.
Who does this, you ask?
Someone who is in MLC. Someone who is in great pain.
The real truth, which you will see as time passes, is that all of the years, was not a lie. While none of us were perfect, I don't believe there is a case that I have read that the whole thing was miserable.
Mach is right. You get through this in very small doses. One minute at a time, then one hour at a time, and then one day at a time.
So what are your plans for the weekend?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Unfortunately I am supposed to be at S's bb tournaments. Of course H will be there strong and assured and I am afraid I will be a complete mess! My S has shared with some of his friends the sich - so I'm sure the parents will be watching. I am scared I won't handle it well. I have been sobbing practically none stop for two days now. Can't seem to empty the well. I am so humiliated that I can't control these emotions - I feel incompetent in all aspects of my life / as an employee, parent, spouse, friend, daughter, sister - I used to be so proud of my resiliency and now I feel like it is reduced to nothing. Like my survival skills are gone! God I hate feeling this way!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Unfortunately I am supposed to be at S's bb tournaments.
You're going to watch your son play bb, nothing unfortunate about that.
Quote:
Of course H will be there strong and assured and I am afraid I will be a complete mess!
It's an act. You know better, no one that behaves this way is strong and assured.
You're going to watch your sons bb game. Do just that and enjoy it. When you see your H picture him in a baby blue leotard or something like that.
Quote:
My S has shared with some of his friends the sich - so I'm sure the parents will be watching.
No you're not sure of that. This is a negative assumption. Who cares anyway you're there to enjoy your son's game and root him on right?
Quote:
I am scared I won't handle it well.
Then you're setting yourself up for just that.
Quote:
I am so humiliated that I can't control these emotions - I feel incompetent in all aspects of my life / as an employee, parent, spouse, friend, daughter, sister - I used to be so proud of my resiliency and now I feel like it is reduced to nothing. Like my survival skills are gone! God I hate feeling this way!
Wow! You're going to give this crazy man that much power over your life? He takes a detour into la la land (which was beyond any of your control or doing) and suddenly you're a failure in all aspects of life?
I don't believe that.
You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Dig deep, you can do this.
Take it one day at a time. Focus on your son and his game today.
Today can be an excellent and empowering day if you choose it to be.
cat and trapt - Thanks for the reality check! I admit I have been wallowing in the hurt for a couple of days now. I've been looking for something to hold on to - but I know I have to let go. I don't want to become defined by this event but right now the burden and hurt feel so heavy! I truly don't think I've ever felt this devastated. I plan to rest well tonight - try to get the swelling down in my eyes:) - have no contact with H - and quietly go to S's game tomorrow focused on him. Grateful for your support...
Take it day by day. You really have to make an effort to shift your focus on to you.
You've got to stay moving toward your goals and those should be about you. At least one step everyday, doesn't matter if it's big or small as long as you're moving.
It's so common to focus on the end result or what's missing right now. Try to avoid that. Set some personal goals down in writing and move toward them.
Having that mental image of where you want to be is great and praying about it is even better but you have make the steps.
It's work and it's difficult but it's well worth it.
