If you are a nervous disposition don't read this post. It is how not to act when in the presence of H.
H arrived unannouced this afternoon. He did text the kids to say he was coming. I haven't seen him for 3 weeks and other than the letter fiasco no communication.
Anyway I have been very positive about my way forward and life felt good.
Today when I knew he was coming I couldn't get the anger to disappear. This emotion is a new one for me. I removed myself from the room where he was and he came and found me. He looked brown but unshaven and miserable. I asked him why he hadn't had a shave and he said he couldn't be bothered. We talked about the letter and he got very angry about it and how OW had sent it.
I did get upsert when we were talking about it. He said he knew it would upset me. I then threw all the cramp at him, the kids, happiness and how I felt. He was nearly in tears at one point. Completely blew it. No detachment at all. He did say he worries about me. I told him not to as he has enough to worry about at the moment i.e work.
I also told him what I thought of OW aarrh! How she wasn't right for him and he's not happy and I would feel better if he was. He then told me that I had made him unhappy in the marriage for many years and he was very hurt about things I had said to him. I saw anger in him as well this afternoon when he talked about our marriage.
I did apologise and told him I was grateful for the text he sent about the letter. I did ask why she had opened his mail and he said she is methodical! So I said if you are methodical you can open other peoples mail then..........
I asked him if he wanted to see it and he said he did. He was physically shocked at what he saw. He reassured me that it will never happen again. I said I believed him but felt that she knew where I lived and I thought it was her true character. H said she has apologised and is shocked how she reacted and sent it wtf! I did point out to H that he took the letter from here on Thurs tea time, she sent the letter to me on Friday afternoon and then told H about it late Saturday morning. I told H that I thought it was very calculating. OW was also so sorry she then wouldn't tell H what she had put. This woman is nasty. H is angry. And I cocked up with the detached positive approach.......
At one point H asked me what I wanted and I said to be married to him. I know pursing and begging. I got them all in today lol.
Before he left he asked if I would be here for supper on Wed as normal. I said I would.
Interestingly he went to see my parents today. H hasn't been there for 7 weeks nor contacted them.
Libby, I'm sorry about the exchange with your H. I know how horrible it feels afterwords.
But I must tell you, I think that the bottled up emotions have to be released once in a while. I don't think it's going to jeopardize anything for the future. You both defused a bit. So don't loose any sleep over it.
And you had the right to be upset, even he understands that...what the OW did is downright nasty.
Hang in there hon, tomorrow will be a better day (((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Thank you. You are right about the feeling of guilt after these discussions. Trouble was once I started my mouth just wouldn't shut.
One positive was that I believe he got very angry with OW over the letter. He was fired up about it when he was here and he was going to speak to her again!
Libby, Now that you have expressed your thoughts/feelings, let it go. This is now his problem, turn it completely over to him and allow him to do whatever is necessary to deal w/the ow. I wouldn't raise the issue w/him again, unless she does it again.
It's okay, you had to vent, now do something constructive, like a movie or bubblebath this evening.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
On reflection yesterday he had also had a week away with OW in a place that was special to us as a couple. When he arrived he said the weather was mixed but then talked about random things like the number of hotels that had closed down. Eventually I ask if he had a good time and he side stepped that one too.
He looked more depressed and his eyes were dull. He was less than ethusiastic about his holiday. This is how he came back from the last one. Almost as if he is looking for happiness outwardly still and still not finding it!
Although I have had no communication with H today he does seem to be increasing his texts and phone calls to the children again which had dwindled to nothing over the past 4 weeks.
Sounds to me like the trip didn't give him the "feel good fix" that he was looking for. They all have this expectation that life is going to be wonderful and vacations will be fun. They get there and discover it's not all peaches and cream.
Yes, he is poking his head out just a little bit, but don't expect too much from him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am trying and on the whole succeding to keep my expectations zero. I have been hurt to many times trying to decide what H is thinking.
H came today as normal to visit the children and potentially to have supper.
H remains increasingly distant from me which has been like this for the last 3 weeks when he has visited. He did come and 'chat' but it felt much more awkward than normal and definitley not as long. There were long silences as the conversation didn't flow. He remains depressed and distant. Looks old again. Did give me eye contact though. I feel he has pulled away further which is part of the journey he is on.
We never ate supper as he had bought the kids a takeaway. I offered him food but he said he wasn't hungry.
It is fathers day here on Sunday. H had no cards from the children. They asked what they should do and I told them to do what felt right. I'm sure this will have hurt him but is a consequence of his leaving us for OW.
H says he misses the kids and I did say that it must be hard. It is inevitable that the children will grow away. He was a 24/7 dad now he opts in once per week with the odd text inbetween.
H left earlier tonight than usual. He has said he will visit next week and watch the football match with our S16.
I don't expect any comms now until next week.
One positive he has paid some extra money into the bank account without being asked! I thnked him for doing that.
H asked S13 to go back to the place he had his holiday with OW last week only next year. H isn't planning on taking her back so I don't believe he enjoyed his week. For whatever reason I am being given an insight into how his 'relationship' with OW is showing cracks. I was allowed to see his anger over the letter she sent me. His confusion is so evident as is his depression as he trys to get some understanding about what is going on.
He still blames me for the 'bad' marriage but his words are now softer and he seems to focus on one issue you. This is the issue I have acknowledged and apologised for.
When he asked me what I wanted and I said 'to be married to you' he didn't react negatively and denied ever wanting a divorce.
So despite being in his tunnel there are small positives that I see. We have a long way to go yet.
For whatever reason I am being given an insight into how his 'relationship' with OW is showing cracks.
You can't participate in it's demise. Step back, remain silent and let this crazy ass methodical crackhead show her true colors.
He will grow tired of her sh!t.
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I was allowed to see his anger over the letter she sent me. His confusion is so evident as is his depression as he trys to get some understanding about what is going on.
He isn't thinking or understanding like you and I. He will have to experience this, or live and hopefully learn and it takes them a lot more time to grasp what seems so simple to you and I. You must remain patient.
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He still blames me for the 'bad' marriage
That's what they do. It's awfully difficult even for a person without so many issues to take a look at themselves for real and decide they need to change.
He's looking for anything. Any reason at all to shift blame, nevermind if it's a bullsh!t one, he believes it. Yes it's twisted but it's how their minds work.
As long as you keep telling him things he is not ready to hear, and as long as you remain caught up in the OW drama you will have the blame target on your back.
It's whacked, but it's the world he's living in at the moment.
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When he asked me what I wanted and I said 'to be married to you' he didn't react negatively and denied ever wanting a divorce.
"I want you to be happy H." delivered in a kind, loving and confident way.
