MLC - standing by my man

[Mila]

Grace - thanks for stopping by
Kissak - I'm having a better day...feel calm and in control (mostly lol)

Had meeting with H this morning....and we had a full blown R discussion. And I actually feel good about it....that's a first.

When I got to Starbucks I found him starring out of the window with a fixed stare. He didn't move, I don't think he even blinked the whole time I was getting my coffee, maybe 5 minutes. He was like in a trance. Finally he noticed me, btw he looked drawn, bags under his eyes...no smile...the usual, I guess.

There was very little business stuff to discuss so after it was done, we were silent, but nobody was getting up...I think that we both needed to talk...so when he said "Is there anything else that you want to talk about?" I replied with a question "Do you?" Him back at me "Don't answer the question with a question". I said "You are right there is lots to talk about, but what's the point?" he said "We said that we will keep it to business but if you want to say something say it"

As you can see we were kind of ping-ponging for a while. So I started, we talked about everything, past and present. I wasn't holding back, although I was careful trying not to assign blame...

We talked for a long time, it got little heated at times and obviously we disagreed on many things, but he wasn't getting that defensive or angry.

He was happily holding on to his re-written history of our marriage...that's obviously something I totally disagree with him on, but I told him that it's just my view and obviously his is different so lets agree to disagree. I wasn't pushing, I tried to state the facts the way I see them without blame. I also talked about me and my issues and acknowledged how they had contributed to our problem. He still doesn't admit any wrongs...he still blames me...but he listened.

We actually agreed that accept for one thing our marriage really didn't have any real problems. That one thing is...intimacy...or rather not enough of it...granted it did get a little stale in the past couple of years. Very common in long term marriages given the stresses that were present in our life at the time. Something that we should have worked on to bring some more spark back. In my opinion very fixable with communication...we can't read each other's mind. We actually talked about it quite productively today. I told him that I'm very disappointed that he would trow away 37 years without giving us a chance to address what was bothering him and fix it. That he never came to me and told me that he was unhappy and that he just decided to have an affair instead. It obviously got out of hand and he got emotionally involved and thinks that the grass is greener on the other side.

Told him that one day when the dust settles he will have to deal with all of this. He asked "Do you think that I will regret what I have done?" I said "For your sake I hope not, but yeah I think you will"

I also talked about my feelings, my pain, anger, disappointment and how I'm working through it...this wasn't said to make him feel guilty, it was actually quite an intimate exchange and he listened.

H still denies that he is going through MLC, but was open and asked questions when I mentioned some articles or books that I have read on R subject.

He is worried that I hate him...told him that I don't but I'm angry.

He worries that I think that he is a bad person...I said I don't think that, but I do think that you have made some bad choices.

He said "I didn't think that you loved me anymore". I asked if he thinks that now..he replied NO, I know that you love me. And then he said "Don't think that I don't have any feelings for you, because I do" I said "obviously not enough to change what you are doing right now"


This post is getting to be too long. We have talked about many things. Can't remember it all right now, so if I think of something else I will mention it in a later post.

I was calm and rational, on occasion I got little emotional and had to dab on a tear in the corner of my eye, overall handled myself well and came across pretty strong.

I wasn't holding off, I didn't really validate or DB. I just said it as I saw it...not tip-toeing around him anymore. But I was trying to be respectful to his feelings and opinions even when I didn't agree with him. No jabbing, sarcasm or making him feel guilty.

He responded well, got ruffled only couple of times, but listened and hopefully took from it something to think about.

I also told him at the end that I'm getting on with my life, that I would rather live it with him, but that I will find happiness without him also.