I don't understand how we can have such good times and yet she still feels this way about our marriage?
She got bored.
What's the status of the EA now?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I don't understand how we can have such good times and yet she still feels this way about our marriage?
She got bored.
What's the status of the EA now?
I don't think they are still talking, but I really don't know. If she is talking with him, it is not from our house or her cell phone. It would have to be from her work. She says it is done, but I have no way to really know.
Others have told me I am too nice too, but the book says not to become cold or nasty, bust to distance yourself. I think the court would have me move out and her and the kids stay there if living together was an issue, right? Should I move out so she can do everything for herself and find out what she is missing?
The OM's wife does know. She called me and told me what was going on. Then I busted my wife with the phone records and she said she wouldn't call him again. They met, supposedly with friends in tow, at a bar a couple of times. Both say nothing happened except talking, but who knows. I drove her past his house and there was no reaction, so I don't think she has been there. This guys wife had an affair on him previously and their own marriage is a mess. I had a long lunch with her last saturday and he was very mad. Told her to never talk to me again.
I'll take the advice on the friends thing. Maybe I need to start getting colder now? We have actually been working on the divorce papers together! That is probably insane, huh? She is going out with friends this weekend and I am watching the kids. I gotta get a life.
What about living arrangements for the kids? She wants primariy placement, but the court will give them to me 50% if I want it. That will kill her. She says that will be too hard on the kids. On the other hand, she thinks they will be fine with the divorce. She sees whatever she wants to see. What do others think about the affects of alternating weeks with the kids?
Why would you accept anything less than 50% ? You decide what you want, don't let her call all the shots.
Yes, you need to have plans for Friday night.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Funny thing is that we still get along so good. We never fought before and still don't. Since telling me in January that she hasn't been happy we have gone to a number of concerts, sporting events with the kids, visited relatives, talked, etc. and always seem to have a good time. She smiles, laughs, jokes and sometimes even gives me nice looks, but she has always been so cold about her lack of feelings for me. Then she files for divorce without telling me and just keeps pushing through. She told our neighbor that I think it is a MLC, but she knows it isn't. She has "thought through every scenario" (without talking to me about it) and she "KNOWS with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that this is what she HAS to do."
I don't understand how we can have such good times and yet she still feels this way about our marriage? I am at a loss.
EXACTLY like my W. Your W won't truly appreciate these good times until she loses them. All her talk about "thought through every scenario" is pure BS. Has she really thought about you getting a new W? That new W getting all these good times? This new W being in HER kids' lives? Splitting the holidays with the kids?
Back in November, my W, in her warped frame of mind, actually suggested we do Christmas together, that I sleep on the sofa at her house on Christmas Eve so we can both be there when the kids get up. This is what she suggests after she has an A and leaves me. Yeah, right! I said "No, you get Christmas Eve and Christmas morning this year, I'll pick the kids up at noon on Christmas Day." I told her nothing about my plans with the kids for Christmas, I told her nothing about my gifts for them. She dropped them off at my house, I opened the door and let the kids go running in, I said thanks, and Merry Christmas, handed her small gifts for her and the dog (she took the dog when she left), smiled and closed the door. She kept her chin up, but she knows this year I get the kids on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, and it made her face brutal reality.
They claim to be helpless about their lack of feelings, but when forced to confront these hard realities, all of a sudden their feelings just "pop" back. My W even says "I don't know why, but I'm attracted to you again." Wow. The thing is, I don't think she's lying, I think she IS attracted to me again (she sure acts like it!), and I really think she has no idea that fear of loss is what has triggered her feelings.
Others have told me I am too nice too, but the book says not to become cold or nasty, bust to distance yourself. I think the court would have me move out and her and the kids stay there if living together was an issue, right? Should I move out so she can do everything for herself and find out what she is missing?
Don't become cold and nasty, just be "gone". I don't know what state you're in, but get yourself the best lawyer you can and find out what your legal rights are. She's the one who wants the D, she should be the one to leave, not you. Think about it, she's trying to throw you out of your own home! Stop working on the D papers with her. Tell her your tired of having all this negative crap weigh you down, that you want to start living again, and even if it costs more, it's worth it to have a lawyer deal with all the legal mumbo jumbo. Give her your lawyer's card and tell her to deal with him/her from now on regarding the legal stuff, then go have some fun.
She'll have to do a lot more if SHE is the one to move out.
I know the idea of shared custody probably breaks your heart, but unfortunately she's only leaving you with bad options, and I think the best of those is 50/50 custody. At least the kids maintain a significant relationship with both of you. If she gets primary custody, you'll become an "every other weekend" Dad, which is truly heart breaking. At least if you have them half the time, you'll get to experience life with them. Remember, her trying to get primary custody is a way for her to minimize HER pain over all this, NOT the kids pain. She'll try to use the kids as leverage on you. Don't let her.
I have four young kids and share your agony about what this will do to them and how I don't want to be a part time dad. We have to play the cards we are dealt.
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She'll have to do a lot more if SHE is the one to move out.
It took every ounce of strength and willpower for a couple of months before I found this site for me not to leave my home. It still does, sometimes. But, everyone here is right; if she wants the D, she needs to be the one to leave. I am at the point in my sitch that I wish, every day, she would leave. It would make it easier to do what I would need to do in that situation. No more wondering, pressure, walking on eggshells. But, she won't.
The best thing for us to do is:
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Don't become cold and nasty, just be "gone".
Act like you have accepted the whole sitch and agree with her. It is hard, but my W has backed down each time I have said, "I agree and I am done, too. Let's get lawyers and get this thing going and stop wasting time." I still get the silent treatment, but she won't leave. And I wonder why; is she having second thoughts, has she changed her mind? As Greek pointed out to me today, I can't wonder about why. I can control my actions and attitude towards her when she is an a$$. Just let her be.
Post often and get your frustrations out here. It does help!
Most of what I read says that frequent and equal parenting time is best for the children. My experience shows this to be true. I am glad I stood up against the wishes of my ex wife and have joint custody and a 50/50 parenting plan.
Ps: she got really angry.....but I did the right thing.....not the easy thing.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
