Part of my problem is that I let WW and our relationship define me rather than me defining me...make sense?
this is very common in marriages! you're not alone!
just wondering,though...why does your wife get "kid free weekends" EVERY weekend? Are you not able to see the kids during the week?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
You have already stated your boundary as what you are willing to live with in your M. If you are not willing to enforce it, the boundary is meaningless.
If my dog tries to pee on the rug and I allow it, I have taught her it's okay. If I try to correct her after she's done and moved on, she won't know why I'm punishing her.
You should be ready to take action when you have evidence your W disrespected you and crossed the boundary. The longer you wait, you're teaching your W it's okay to pee on you.
I just read Sandi2's 180 list and I clearly violated #10 - No spying
I guess I need to go back and take that one out, except it's a little late. In your case....you "need" to know if she's broken the boundary or not. It's your choice if you need to gather information to support that fact or if you chose to "trust her" without knowing for certain what her actions are. Some people simply cannot bear the burden of reading/hearing what the WS is saying to OP. If it is going to distroy your mental & physical health....then I say you need to protect yourself, first. The choice is up to you, but as long as she's playing the "friends" card and "you're trying to control me" card.....then she is not about to stop contacting OM. That is open difiance in my book!
Quote:
I'm going to have to trust her that the contact with OM is strictly as "friends
All of this is so typical of what WAW's say! I didn't say the "same" thing but it was similar. But here's the thing....the burden of proof is on her....not you. You have nothing to prove and she has everything to prove that she can be trusted again. See what I mean? She's too rebellious to agree with that fact, but it doesn't change the truth.
I don't have a 2x4 for you about seeing a MC...as long as it is to promote the family unity, but if your W tries to use the C sessions for her time to declare reasons for D and if the MC seems to do nothing to get her on the right track, then you need to pull out. I just remember how "rebellious" I was and probably would not have listen to a MC at first, but later I could have listened.
You know I preach a lot about how a W must respect her H in order to be in love with him. Well, you are going to be tested with this boundary you set. Plus, she's going to pull out all the stops b/c she thinks she has you under her thumb. It's going to take applying tough love....and lots of it. Have you read Dr. James Dobson's book on "Tough Love"? It's great!
Control.....that's another card that WAW's use. Whenever the H stands up to her..she'll cry out "you're trying to control me"! Well, she NEEDS to be controlled b/c obviously she isn't doing a very good job of it. She's just like a teenager rebelling against the parent. That's a good picture of the stance you have to take with her. I'm not smart enough to explain it...but there's a fine line in how a man has to deal with his children and how he has to deal with a rebellious wife. (Taking all sexual content out, of course).
My father never raised his voice to me, not once. But I'm here to tell you that I knew he meant business and if he spoke to me in a lower tone of voice....then I would straighten up right quick! I was never abused by him and I respected him more than any other human being (besides my H, now). Screaming & yelling....shouting matches are not affective, IMO, but if you speak to her in that controlled lower pitch voice.....I still believe it works best. I have watched this happen in many, many real life situations. It's golden. But now whatever you say....you better stick to it.
You have to have her respect or nothing is going to be right in the MR. You may live under the same roof and be with your kids, but you won't have a MR. You will have to teach her how to respect you....just as you would a child. If she speaks down to you....call her out on it right then. If she has a bad attitude....don't let her get away with it. Men keep their mouths shut b/c they are trying to keep the "peace". But guess what? They are just being PASSIVE!! Women hate passive men and will use them like toilet paper.
Just hang in here with us, okay?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
but as long as she's playing the "friends" card and "you're trying to control me" card.....then she is not about to stop contacting OM. That is open defiance in my book!
Yes...and checking the phone records today...she has contacted OM although not at the pace she was...
I'm tempted to move back into the house(I miss seeing my DD's daily and I'm the one paying the mortgage...single income family) and let my 180 take full effect or I may just do that while staying with family.
I guess I'll have to start talking to L or D mediators to find out the next step.
I do have a copy of Dr. Dobson's "Tough Love"
Thanks all!
Last edited by loweinsd51; 06/17/1009:23 PM.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
Had an interesting talk yesterday with WW about trust...hold your 2x4's as I don't consider it R talk. We are both in agreement that we need to start learning to trust each other again for the M to even stand a chance of reconciling. I told WW it's not that I want a detailed accounting or where she is at all times or that I'm going to check her phone/computer daily, it's the perception that WW is hiding things from me. She made reference to me treating her how a Dad treats a child and how her Dad would treat her. Again, "controlling" and she has a real problem with that. I told her that people don't keep secrets in marriage. WW has many issues with her Dad that have spilled over into our M and lately she has been equating me to her dad.
WW said that she loves me and cares about me but doesn't know if she will ever be "in love" with me again. Once again I tried to explain that "in love" wears off after a while and that love is many things. I told WW I don't know if I would ever be "in love" with her again either. I also explained that I don't really believe in "fairy tail" love/marriage and that is not my expectation...my only expectation is...wait for it...wait for it...COMMITMENT! WW also mentioned D as a way her and I could start with a clean slate and no expectations...Huh?
WW also said that she is 50/50 on whether our M will survive...actually I'm of the same opinion and mindset.
WW is also taking the consequence of crossing my boundary very serious as she mentioned that she needs to get her business going so she has income if we D.
When WW was expressing her feelings, I simply replied "I understand"...a real 180 for me as in the past I would argue her feelings to try and change her way of thinking which I've learned is a huge no no.
Played with DD's at the park and afterward WW asked me to stay for dinner.
Last edited by loweinsd51; 06/18/1002:05 PM.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
