Second: NEVER say never, and never believe when she says she will "never" feel that way again. I'm living proof if it helps.
Living proof here too. Realize, when she says she'll "never" feel that way again, that's of course based on what she knows now. How can it be based on anything else? The problem with absolute statements like that is, things change. Show her change, long enough, and consistently enough, and what was previously absolute is now back up in the air. Two years ago, my W was absolutely convinced our M was hopeless, because she didn't "love me like she should". A year ago we went out to dinner and had an abolutely great time. At the end she said "There's no going back for me", but I could hear a tiny hesitation in her voice. Just six months ago she was still saying she feels emptiness towards me, and can't see it ever changing, but I could hear serious doubt in her voice. Now she's realized how much of it was due to her problems, how much I've changed to be a better man, and she sees me differently now. She's very affectionate, like back when we first started dating, and we're talking about a future together. So just take your W's absolute statements with a grain of salt and let time do it's magic on them, provided you do your part and make yourself a fun, interesting, strong man she wants to be with.
Quote:
She recently said that she cares about me and we could be friends forever and hang out...
No way! This is your power. Make it clear this will NOT happen. If she wants to leave and D you, you can't stop her, but you'll be dam*ed if you'll hang around and be her BFF. My W had her world rocked when I made it clear I would NOT be her friend, in fact I would barely speak to her. I reduced our relationship to a weekly text message "What time should I pick up the kids?" Additionally, I made sure she knew I would be working toward finding a new W and building a new family, and she would no longer mean anything to me. My new W would get all of me, and she'd get a monthly check. The kids would have a new step mom, who would have fun with them and help me take care of them. I also let her know I changed the beneficiary on my life insurance to my father, instead of her, and that in the event of my death, she'd have to work with him regarding the kids' college expenses. I got in great shape, got a new life, was going out and having fun all the time. She was working long hours to support her new household, and hardly ever had fun. I took the kids to our old spring break vacation spot, but with my new friends and their families, not her. All this ate away at my W's resolve. It took months and months, but slowly she realized the brutal reality of what she was losing.
One thing I've learned is that it's very easy to minimize the value of what you've got while you've still got it, and maximize the value of what you want until you get it.
Quote:
...but she doesn't want to have any intimacy with me and she knows those feelings will never change. I found out recently that she has had or is still having an emotional affiar with a married man. She has lost 30 lbs (weighs 130lbs @ 5' 10") and has become a workout freak.
She is invested in someone else. You need to find out exactly what's going on. Does this man's W know?
Quote:
We are planning to both live in the house while the divorce is pending because we can't afford to live apart. I'm not sure that is a good idea, but I don't really have any other options. I am really hoping that she will come around eventually, but I don't know how long I will be able to wait it out.
You are making it way too easy on her. She will not "come around" by sitting around waiting. Take action. Tell her living together waiting for a D is not going to work for you. You want to start building a new life, and having her in the house is a problem. Since she's the one who has decided to end the M, she should move out, and give her a deadline. Buy some new clothes, start going out on your own, and if she asks where, say with a smile "Just out, don't wait up for me."
As for telling the kids, if she's the one who wants this, let her do the talking. Just make it clear ahead of time with her that you will not tolerate her portraying it as a "mutual" decision, and if she does you will interrupt and correct her.
