What we each did wrong that hurt our marriage

[lees]

Lees' contribution to creating the marriage that allowed an affair to happen.

1. Not taking seriously the WAW's "the housework is making me ill." She may still not realise or admit that she has OCD, but that doesn't excuse me not taking it seriously enough to work that out until our marriage was burnt toast.

2. Not modifying my argument style. WAW likes to scream and shout. I like to walk away and discuss it when we're both calm. We needed to learn to meet half way. I was far too defensive in arguments, and that wound us both up. I'm pretty sure she mostly didn't mean to personally attack me, but that's how I often interpreted it. She interpreted me walking away as ignoring her needs.

3. Not communicating my needs, but just sucking it up and glossing over things and allowing resentment to build up as a result. It never came out in the marriage, but boy has it come out since it's been over. I won't be doing that again. Clear and brutal honesty all the way.

4. Ignoring the blatantly unhealthy relationship with one of my best friends and colleagues that quickly became the EA and PA. Should've seen the signs, talked about it and nipped it in the bud instead of thinking "she would never do that" about both of them and sweeping it under the carpet before it was too late.

5. Not learning quickly enough that her love language and mine are quite different. She needed actions - housework in particular. I am an old fashioned romantic, but whilst she seemed to like the cards, poems, gifts and surprises, what she really needed was for me to hoover and iron more often. Similarly she felt that by incessantly doing housework I would feel the most loved woman in the world, when what I really wanted was love notes and rose petals.

6. Letting life get in the way. Work, internet, general dross of life got in the way for both of us. We both seem to have found so much more time for hobbies and fun things since separation, that we never found in the last six months we were together. I won't let my hobbies take a back seat again.


Additional lessons learned include "once a cheater always a cheater" and "never marry someone who's parents don't think is capable of a long term healthy relationship - they know her best"