Why? I get you love him. But do you love yourself enough to lay down a boundary that protects you? This is your life, girl! Read above in red what you're signing up for.
divorce brings out the ugly-ness in people. it wasn't always about daggers, pettiness, and hurtful remarks. it just came out during the d-bomb.
there was a time when this wasn't part of our lives.
So MIL was kind and accepting of you up til now?
You were your H's #1 priority up til now?
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
i want to say yes. but it could be an act. as soon as the d-bomb was dropped, the mean-ness came out.
Quote:
You were your H's #1 priority up til now?
i was until after the first year of marriage. that's when his mom laid it on thick with the "your father is living on borrowed time. he could die any day of a heart attack. he doesn't eat healthy. he doesn't exercise. he's just going to bite the big one soon. he may never see another father's day. or another christmas."
and i guess he saw it as .. well, who's dying first? father or my wife? i'll tend to the person who's got the shortest time span on this earth and make that person #1 priority. the wife will always be around. she can take care of everything else .. i'll focus on my father and everything will be fine.
that's how it has been. i lived it. i watched it. i didn't stop it. i can't make someone love me. he has to want to love me. i put my foot down a few times. it came back to bite me. interpreted as me hating his family.
i don't know. when your father loses $10k of your hard earned money on bad stock tips. and then feels guilty and takes a $25k loan out to try and make the money back. and ends up losing that too. and then has the balls to ask you to pay for the interest on the loan that your FATHER took out. who's the f*ked up one? is it really me? you still love him despite that?
btw, you are also down another $40k on another bad stock that he purchased with your money. you want me to continue? if money is so important to you, go ask him to pay for the losses.
i never asked you for a single penny.
your family uses money to exert control over you. your finances are so f*ked up for someone with a finance degree. and you can't tell the difference between who is or isn't money hungry. so you accuse me?! prove it.
you know your mother exaggerates things. the words came out of your mouth. yet, you couldn't put that to the things she has said about our m.
she's not looking out for your best interest. she's looking out for her own best interest. she drove away your father's friends. she is slowly driving away your friends. she drove away your w. all for what? so she could control the family unit again? your father is clinging to you because she drove away his friends. it isn't a loving relationship. it's toxic.
i love my family and i know my family loves me. it's unconditional. it's unspoken. but more importantly. we all know it without having to speak or hug one another (not to say we don't). we simply know where we stand with each other. we don't need constant validation ...
i cannot continue this conversation. otherwise i will break down.
i'm sorry greek. i tend to write as if i'm talking to my h.
his mom laid it on thick with the "your father is living on borrowed time. he could die any day of a heart attack. he doesn't eat healthy. he doesn't exercise. he's just going to bite the big one soon. he may never see another father's day. or another christmas."
that's how it has been. i lived it. i watched it. i didn't stop it. i can't make someone love me. he has to want to love me. i put my foot down a few times. it came back to bite me. interpreted as me hating his family.
i don't know. when your father loses $10k of your hard earned money on bad stock tips. and then feels guilty and takes a $25k loan out to try and make the money back. and ends up losing that too. and then has the balls to ask you to pay for the interest on the loan that your FATHER took out. who's the f*ked up one? is it really me? you still love him despite that?
btw, you are also down another $40k on another bad stock that he purchased with your money. you want me to continue? if money is so important to you, go ask him to pay for the losses.
your family uses money to exert control over you. your finances are so f*ked up for someone with a finance degree. and you can't tell the difference between who is or isn't money hungry. so you accuse me?! prove it.
she's not looking out for your best interest. she's looking out for her own best interest. she drove away your father's friends. she is slowly driving away your friends. she drove away your w. all for what? so she could control the family unit again? your father is clinging to you because she drove away his friends. it isn't a loving relationship. it's toxic.
i cannot continue this conversation. otherwise i will break down.
Stop breaking down. I mean, why break down? You want this hell of a life back - so own it and buck up. You want this crazy, mean, stupid lifestyle back - you're even falling apart b/c you DON'T have it! So you see, even if you win your H back to the M, you lose b/c you get all the business I highlighted in red.
I think you are meaner to yourself than anyone else, b/c you are willing to accept a relationship where you are NOT a partner, but #2 until #1 dies.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
My friend - for you to "get even" with him means you would have to stoop. And I would NEVER direct a bright, healthy, intelligent young woman to be less than she is. You don't want to get even with him - you want to excel, succeed in your life, grow and thrive.
Volunteer. Start a book club. Take up a sport that challenges your athleticism. Step up the interaction you have with your own family. Consider your spirituality. Step up your interaction with you GIRLfriends. Get a pet - or start a garden. Bravo on the baking class - excellent idea. But for God's sake don't bring that man your cupcakes. Give them to someone who will enjoy what they represent. Enough with the cupcakes already Sign up to run a race. Close your eyes, put your finger on a map and take a trip to that place.
Liberated, that's you.
No more whining, Dumped. No more breaking down. Take control. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
forrest, i need a 2x4 smacking. i'm not supposed to talk about MIL, FIL, whatever IL. i'm not supposed to talk about h. there are consequences to breaking the rules laid out for me. i said i would give this a chance for 30 days. this is unproductive of me.
talk only about me.
greek's reaction is no different from anybody else i've spoken to. this is what triggers that kind of melt down in me.
it comes down to what my deal breakers are - infidelity and physical abuse. i do not share my h with anybody nor do i believe in open marriages. i do not put up with physical abuse.
his debt is his debt. it has nothing to do with me. nobody ever asked me to pay for it. if he's happy having that kind of debt over his head. that's his choice. i prefer to not have debt like that over my head. but i shouldn't react the way i did because i'm not on the hook for it. it doesn't affect me directly.
i will continue doing what i'm doing. play squash several times a night. i still talk to my family members. i will continue to eat, sleep, and shower. i will take care of myself. i will do something nice for someone in need.
For hearing all my doubts so selectively and For continuing my numbing love endlessly. For helping you and myself: not even considering For beating myself up and overfunctioning.
To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one's been crueler than I've been to me.
For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable For myself love being so embarassingly conditional. And for denying myself to somehow make us compatible and for trying to fit a rectangle into a ball.
And To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one's been crueler than I've been to me.
I'm sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else. I'm sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
For blaming myself for your unhappiness and for my impatience when I was perfect where I was. Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready, and expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be.
To whom do I owe the first apology? No one's been crueler than I've been to me.
And I'm sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else. I'm sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest ? Forgetting you or forgetting myself... Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter, I would've naturally loved the former.
For ignoring you: my highest voices. For smiling when my strife was all too obvious. For being so disassociated from my body, and for not letting go when it would've been the kindest thing.
To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one's been crueler than I've been to me.
And I'm sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else I'm sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else. I'm sorry to myself. My apologies begin here before everybody else I'm sorry to myself. For treating me worse than I would anybody else
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
journaling. i don't know what to make of this. there is a senior college student who works at the pro shop. the first time i met him, i brought my racket in for stringing. he's also a member at the club. last night, i played squash until 9:30 pm. he came down to the lounge and asked me if i would stay longer to play - he was going to play until 11 pm. i said i had to go, sorry. he asked me if i was going to play tomorrow and if so, will i be joining the group for sushi afterwards. i didn't know some of the people in the group but he said i should go anyway. i said i'll think about it.
i left wondering .. i hope he wasn't flirting.
but i did leave with a smile. what can i say? he was cute.
Go get sushi and meet some new people on a Friday night.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
