2 weeks left to DB

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Instead of the future being a black hole, change it to a vision of bright, starburst galaxy. Make it wide open! You never know what will happen.

So true. Take this as an opportunity to self reflect and make yourself a better stronger person.

[Babydoll]

Have been emailing WH a lot.
Getting things off my chest.
The inconistencies in his reasoning.
I know it's bad BDing, but I don't care.

Sometime we need to cleanse ourselves and just say what we feel is necessary.

I am like, we all wanted to live in Europe. Why don't you dump OW and have the baby and me?

seriously! good for telling him that!

The fact is, he wants OW not his baby.

So he thinks... for now...

His mother was due to stay with me while she is here. Then my family sort of went off the idea because they think i shouldn't have to worry about accomodating her. But i think it would be good, don't you?

If you are comfortable with her staying with you and feel that it would help you then yes, i think its a good idea. Hard as it may be, dont do it for the wrong reasons, like OW or to get H to notice. That will happen no matter what. I do think the bonding experience between your D and IL's cant hurt anyone, it would only do some good. Why not accept the support and help and love from them... your daughter and you both deserve it.

[gatsby11]

Hey P,

Just did a quick update. Sorry about all this crap. The time when you said "I hate him"-- run with that. You DO hate new WH. I hate my new WH. Don't want to be with an inconsistent father AT ALL. You deserve so much better, so does bub, and you'll both get it. Poor OW gets new WH. That sucks for her.

Just wait 'till he goes back to see her. It will be all nice and everything for a few days, but then reality will trickle in. I definitely suggest minimal contact with him- distance, distance, distance.

Does your bub ever get colic? Just wondering. Last night my baby cried for hours. For no reason that we (my sister and I) could find. I hope she's not "colicky" but maybe she just had a moment of colic!

Peace and love to you and bub.

[Piano]

G, thanks for stopping by! 5 days home from hospital and posting on others threads - impressed!

I am surprised you hate your WH as much as I hate mine!! At lease your WH doesn't have OW so you can kinda feel sorry for him & his crisis... Mine is in crisis but won't admit it, and the OW stuff is just killing me. Unfortunately they are only going to have 7 days together, so I bet it will be romance all the way!

After a string of angry and hurt emails to WH, I sent one this morning that aplogises for saying hateful things, that I love him but understand he needs to be gone now and that one day i will be open to peaceful coparenting. I wanted to have my last email to him to be like a 'release' letter.

Now I need to go dim and stay as distanced as possible, as you say.

My dad went to see him today to talk about how he is going to help us financially. WH promises to do so. But I'm frustrated cos nothing is certain - probably wont be till he gets stable work. I felt a bit upset with my Dad who got sucked in by WH saying how much he is sorry and loves the baby etc. Dad burst into tears with me - he finds the whole thing so upsetting. He loved my WH, but at least he told WH he's only interested in my wellbeing and that of child now.

So much crap to deal with.

I am feeling pretty low but psych today says I am not depressed. Everything is normal.

Pls help me guys keep up the minimal contact with WH. I am probably going to have to do a lot of ranting on here to survive this period.

Love to you all..

[Piano]

Thanks GD2BA, I needed a pickup!

I often go to the DBing Quotes thread in Newcomers for inspiration when I am feeling down.

Also just playing with the baby helps me focus on the here and now.

hugs.

[Piano]

Thanks NM and BD. I'd like to stay in the good books with BIL and MIL. WH is agreeable to them staying at my place, so that's one hurdle crossed. Having dinner with BIL at my flat tomorrow, and will tell I would like MIL to stay there also. He'll probably hate that (he's 23 and would rather be anywhere than where his mum is - she's a bit emotionally volatile!), but too bad, it's my place after all!

[Seeing Red]

Hey Piano --

Just reading through your thread and a lot of things are jumping out at me:

1. Your WH is repeating what HIS father did, running when a baby appears. How many generations has this been going on?*

2. The only template for fatherhood WH knows is abandonment.

3. An alien has taken over WH's body and you cannot believe a word he says. Db'ing lessens your exposure to alien's toxic spews.

4. It REALLY sucks having the joy and stress of being a new mom exacerbated by the sudden alien abduction of your husband. Keep focusing on the baby, on getting the hang of being a new mom, and compartmentalize the alien interactions.

5. If you're still in contact with your European friends by email or FB, give them a "heads up" on the situation before WH has a chance to put his spin on it and make you out as the crazy woman. And really - who WOULDN'T be crazy if their husband abandoned them when they were pregnant?! What - you're supposed to accept a life-changing trauma like this as calmly as if someone spilled a glass of milk? Please!

6. You have EVERY right to be angry and vent. Just do it here or in a journal, not to WH or someplace public. His alien-fogged mind will twist it around to justify his bad behavior.

*ALL the men in my WH family have left or divorced their wives by age 50 since at least the (American) Civil War - 6 or 7 generations of MLC WAH. Coincidence? Not! It's what they do in their family. My goal is to become the exception, to re-program the pattern for my son and future grandsons. It ain't easy being the exception!

I'd like to stay in the good books with BIL and MIL. WH is agreeable to them staying at my place, so that's one hurdle crossed. Having dinner with BIL at my flat tomorrow, and will tell I would like MIL to stay there also. He'll probably hate that (he's 23 and would rather be anywhere than where his mum is - she's a bit emotionally volatile!), but too bad, it's my place after all!

Your MIL is emotionally volatile because she had to suffer the consequences of a WAS, just like you. It's enough to make anyone testy! That said, MIL has valuable intel on how best - or worst - to go deal with your sitch. Pump her for info to help you glean understanding.

BTW - If BIL pays attention, he can see the heartache of BS first hand and maybe think twice about becoming a WAH when he hits mid-life...

[Dayana]

Piano, stop worrying about him and focus on you and baby - the most impt people there are. He is the one missing out - you are the lucky one to have brought your lovely baby into the world.

Try to leave off emailing him and pointing out his inconsistencies - you are merely reinforcing his huge sense of inadequacy. It is easier for him to blame you for what goes wrong than to blame himself. Blaming himself would mean taking responsibility which he doesn't want to do. Denial is a powerful aid to avoiding yourself. My WH is a master at it. It's like he is Jekyll and Hyde - is able to totally deny things that he did or said even if they were yesterday. A counsellor once told me this is a self-protective mechanism - facing up to the truth of what my H has done would probably make him go into such a depression he would not find his way out. I believe this to be quite likely and have seen this happen for brief periods when he opens his eyes - he quickly shuts them again though as he doesn;t like what he sees.

So leave your H to his own issues and just look after you and baby!

[newmama]

Piano, good idea to vent here instead of to your WH. Do you think he reads your rants? Or just glosses over them? I have such a hard time when I try to picture you getting angry at him because on here, you are sooo calm, kind, and supportive to others! I think "mental note: do not "cross" Piano! She has a bad temper!" lol! I hope you know that I say that affectionately!

I think that there is a difference between being depressed clinically and just being sad, don't you? So of course it makes sense that you are feeling sad right now. In my case, I entered periods of sadness but never got depressed until March-April of this year! But good for you for checking with the psych- because we want to be the best moms we can to our babies!

A counsellor once told me this is a self-protective mechanism - facing up to the truth of what my H has done would probably make him go into such a depression he would not find his way out. I believe this to be quite likely and have seen this happen for brief periods when he opens his eyes - he quickly shuts them again though as he doesn;t like what he sees.

I think this applies to a lot of the WASs! The reality is so painful so they compartmentalize and just don't think about it. In fact, if they associate US with pain and guilt, then they want to avoid us.

[Babydoll]

Mine is in crisis but won't admit it, and the OW stuff is just killing me. Unfortunately they are only going to have 7 days together, so I bet it will be romance all the way!

yes, I think he is in crisis too. But detaching tells us that we can not worry about them and their mistake. It is something they need to go through. The OW is just his crutch, but will never bring him true happiness or fulfill his void or make this all ok!

About the 7 days of romance... can you imagine what it's like to be OW? It sucks to be her (and rightfully so) but she is probably walking on eggshells wondering how he really feels about you and your bub... if he will ever leave her like he did you... if he ever wants to come back to you... i cant imagine she is floating on cloud 9 and that everything is wonderful between them. Including that for your H. Think he can possible be happy? truly happy?? NO WAY!!!!!! He left his W, and his daughter!!! I do not believe for one second that the pain does not affect and will continue to affect every relationship in his life, and every one of his days!

After a string of angry and hurt emails to WH, I sent one this morning that aplogises for saying hateful things, that I love him but understand he needs to be gone now and that one day i will be open to peaceful coparenting. I wanted to have my last email to him to be like a 'release' letter.

It is normal for you to go thruogh the cycles of building anger and releasing! Its quite healthy... and helps you get to the next step. And the nice email will make him think and realize what he left behind!

Now I need to go dim and stay as distanced as possible, as you say.

Pls help me guys keep up the minimal contact with WH. I am probably going to have to do a lot of ranting on here to survive this period.

THAT'S WHAT WE ARE HERE FOR!!! Will not let you go through this alone!!! I will always listen (read) and try my best to help you through...

xoxoxoxo