The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Thank you Mila. I've been in limbo for a very long time, looking back. It sucks, but you know what? I have grown so very much, I can't say I am sorry to have been there. I'm not sure the growth I've experienced in that time would have occurred as quickly had I not been under this pressure.

Journaling:
Huh. Two different female friends I spoke to this week related similar stories to me about what a WAW/MLC'r was doing to their husbands. It clicked for me this morning about just how angry and spiteful mine has been and the lengths she has gone to in order to justify her behavior wrt to other men and lifestyle. I realized some of that early on, but the connections come when they come I've found. The further I step back the more I see. The more I get the perspective I have been after for so long.
That brings me peace strangely enough. I accept that the marriage is over. I see that. I am feeling it more and more and I think I need her to be out of the house to take that next step. She made her decisions and I am going to live with them but on my own terms.
I see now that my decision to try and make the marriage work was absolutely the right decision. I needed to know I did what I could without holding back or being distracted. I guess a part of me was revisiting that part of the past few years. Just making sure I did everything I could. I realize I did more than that and that is why I was so empty. That's the "why" I craved for so long. I see that now as well. I didn't crave a "why" she is doing what she is doing. I thought I did. I craved a "why" am I doing what I'm doing. I did of course wonder why she was doing what she was doing, but the reality of it is that I can only accept or not accept what she does. I cannot change it, so knowing "why" doesn't help to fix anything. I used to think it did.
This has become a fascinating journey. A lot of beauty as I stand back and look around and let go. As I say my final goodbyes. I am in awe. I am reminded that He will make all things work to His good, but how it gets there is incredibly fascinating to me as stand back and see it.

I am no longer feeling intense sadness or anger. I received the papers the other day and I barely noticed. She texted me this morning and I barely could care. Just business. I like it that way. Feel very peaceful and like this is the way I am meant to do things. That I did things the right way and will not have regrets about it even later. That I did the right thing for the kids and for her as well.

Peace to you and yours,

AJ