Scwred up and need advice

[antlers]

Good mornin' CPCajun.

I'm sorry you find yourself in your present situation.

I was a resentful, angry, and verbally and emotionally abusive man for many years. And unfortunately, you vent that stuff onto the people that are closest to you (wife, and kids). Once I decided to really change, and I don't mean a half-ass effort...I mean it came from my very core...I started taking the steps. It's hard work, and it takes a long time. The motivation to do this needs to be simply 'because it needs to be done...period'! You can't do it to try to save the marriage, or to change somebody's mind. You have to want to change for the better, and do the work to actually make those changes...simple because those changes need to be made. One of the best, probably THE best thing, besides my resolve, to help me do this was to read and study a book called 'Love Without Hurt' by Steven Stosny. It was referred to me by an insightful lady on these boards...and it had a profound impact on me. It helped me to understand why I was the way that I was, and it helped me to understand the dynamics between she and I, and the kids. And it really helped me to understand the magnitude of the damage I had done over the years to her, and the kids. It was, plain and simple, a Godsend. I recommend this book to everyone who is involved in a relationship with someone (healthy or not), and especially to those who have been victims and/or perpetrators of this kind of behavior.
I am a better man now than I've ever been in my whole life. My marriage did not survive. I am presently in the midst of an awfully bad divorce and fight, for custody of the kids and assets. But I had to make these changes, without any expectations, in order to be a more healthy individual, in every respect.
There are wise people on these boards who can help you out with different facets of your situation. Listen to them and learn from them. I hope the information that I've given you will help you out in some small way with this particular facet of your situation.

Good luck,
antlers