i was so sad yesterday because i know he's just putting on a front and joining in on our fun for himself. it's not to be near me or anything. i know he still wants everything. i can see it in him - there is still a lot of hatred towards me.
Mind reading. Look what it got ya ~~~ a sad yesterday.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
i really wish i had a better idea what my wah is going through. i only see things from my perspective. it prevents me from understanding his side. so, i mind read.
i may have had a sad yesterday. but i ended up baking lemon cupcakes. they were pretty good.
i really wish i had a better idea what my wah is going through. i only see things from my perspective. it prevents me from understanding his side. so, i mind read.
i may have had a sad yesterday. but i ended up baking lemon cupcakes. they were pretty good.
If I didn't know better, I'd say we're married to brothers. My MIL sounds a lot like yours - wicked. If you're up for it, I've got some perspective there for you.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
If I didn't know better, I'd say we're married to brothers. My MIL sounds a lot like yours - wicked. If you're up for it, I've got some perspective there for you.
did you actually read through my thread? i'm one crazy girl.
the odds are against me. i know it. but i'll take any help or insight i can get.
D4MIL, My MIL hates me. She didn't hate me when we were dating, but as soon as Coach put that ring on my finger, game on. His parents didn't even want to come to our wedding, didn't acknowledge our first child was born for well over a year, and still have not acknowledged our D, whom we adopted from Russia. All problems are my fault. "If he wouldn't have married Greek..." And good grief, don't get her started about why Coach doesn't live next door to her like the rest of his sibs. We're the only ones who moved away, and that is my fault, too. She has been cruel to me privately and rude to me publicly. Coach saw all of this over the years. He didn't approve at all...but he didn't speak up either. And I was like you - I didn't speak up b/c I was taught to be polite and so hopeful that if I was just NICE ENOUGH, MIL would like me. Coach would tell me, "That's how she is and she will never change." And that's the truth, she will never, has never changed. But (and here is the big BUT), when our M began coming unglued, one of my biggest complaints of Coach is that he had not stood up for me to his parents - esp. his mother. It was a deep wound with me.
Hang on... the point of this is coming.
Coach GOT IT. When we were digging in all of our dirt to save our M, he definitely SAW CLEARLY how his inaction and silence where his mother is concerned hurt me, hurt us, and he apologized to me. Moreover, he has shown his mother a boundary that is protective of me and his children going forward. That's a game changer, isn't it.
So let me ask you this - let's say you and H reconcile. Happy day, right?! But would he 'get it' about his mother? Would he see how harmful she is to YOU and the M? Would he put that boundary down to protect you from her assaults? Reading through your thread, I would bet 'no'. Look who he had helping him move out of your house! He is a WAH who is running home to his mother. Talk about enmeshed!
Stone cold question - would you want that? Married, but with a MIL who is enabled by your H b/c he won't man-up? You know already what that would look and feel like. And goodness, just wait until you have children! More ways for her to inflict harm.
I can see that you love this man, your H. And you desperately want him back. But please think it through and add this into the thought process. This man is unavailable and you know who has him. Do you really want to sign up for that? And do you really want a man who would ASK THAT OF YOU?
I hope I'm not undoing any of the Good Work Coach and FG have been doing here with you. But I do think you need to take a hard look at this.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
He is a WAH who is running home to his mother. Talk about enmeshed!
hence the name d4mil. my h chose his mother. telling me that the bond he had with his parents was special due to the health problems that his father suffered years ago.
i understand that their relationship is an enmeshment problem. i'm saddened by it. it's hard for me to undo all of this love i have for him. had i know this was what his family was like, i wouldn't have loved him the way i did.
Quote:
I can see that you love this man, your H. And you desperately want him back. But please think it through and add this into the thought process. This man is unavailable and you know who has him. Do you really want to sign up for that? And do you really want a man who would ASK THAT OF YOU?
in my heart, all i can feel is hurt. why did you not choose me? i never made him choose. i was hoping that by giving all 5 LL, it would show him how much i loved him and how i was the better choice. never in a million years, did i think i would be dumped for his mother.
i have a lot of qualities that he looks for in a woman. but it's not enough.
Quote:
I hope I'm not undoing any of the Good Work Coach and FG have been doing here with you. But I do think you need to take a hard look at this.
i lived with it for 3.5 years. i think for most of the time, it was okay. we never celebrated our anniversary together - just h and i. it was always with his parents.
i often think i'm fooling myself for believing that this can be db-ed. he will never come around and see that the best "potential for happiness is with the person with whom you are married to now" (quote from Gary Chapman).
i'm still trying because i love my h. despite the daggers, the hurt, the pettiness, the name calling, the hurtful accusations .. he is still my h and i believe that there is potential for happiness with him. that is what keeps me going.
i'm still trying because i love my h. despite the daggers, the hurt, the pettiness, the name calling, the hurtful accusations .. he is still my h and i believe that there is potential for happiness with him. that is what keeps me going.
dumped.
Why? I get you love him. But do you love yourself enough to lay down a boundary that protects you? This is your life, girl! Read above in red what you're signing up for. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
And sheeeesh...let's do something about that name! How about, instead of 'dumped', try 'Liberated'. Liberated to be loved as you deserve to be; liberated to be in a family that loves and accepts you; liberated to be a true partner in a marriage; liberated to grow and self actualize.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Why? I get you love him. But do you love yourself enough to lay down a boundary that protects you? This is your life, girl! Read above in red what you're signing up for.
divorce brings out the ugly-ness in people. it wasn't always about daggers, pettiness, and hurtful remarks. it just came out during the d-bomb.
there was a time when this wasn't part of our lives.
And sheeeesh...let's do something about that name!
my other name is 'theGoodGirl' but dumped is so much easier to type in. i don't want to confuse everyone and go back and forth so i ended up going back to this name.
and i've sworn off relationships. you can be one of the many who say "ya ya, whatever". but i know who i am. i don't jump from relationship to relationship. marriage was a one time thing for me. it's who i am. my value. my moral. what i am going through now, is leaving a lasting mark on me. i'll never forget it. i'll never let it go. shame on you if you fool me once. shame on me if you fool me twice.
