to get it right you have to be able to let her go (detach) and this requires confidence on your part. You and your family deserve your wife's complete attention. How you say it is with conviction that she is free to choose how she behaves and that her choice has consequences.
She chooses you she can stay.
She wants to spend her time, money, affection, energy and family resources with another man than she can go.
You have to be able to wrap your head around this to say it with conviction, confidence, composure and compassion. Your wife will test your conviction on this.
She will respect you for standing up for yourself, your family and fighting for her. she won't respect you if you are a doormat and she can push you around. We will give you the script to say to her. You have to buy into this or you won't get a second chance. Make sense?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Got it. I can feel it already. I'm already at the point where I'm ready to divorce "this" version of my marriage. So if she wants to go or can't commit, she HAS to go.
I'm presuming there is a larger script you have in mind?
Got it. I can feel it already. I'm already at the point where I'm ready to divorce "this" version of my marriage. So if she wants to go or can't commit, she HAS to go.
I'm presuming there is a larger script you have in mind?
Yes, there will be a very specific message to deliver about your marriage and how it will roll. Once you deliver it you will feel a weight lifted off of you.
Keep gathering intel, stay very aware and don't let her bait you into a fight.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks, Coach. The guys on Infidelity are promting for a confrontation with the OM but I just posted that I need to be absolutely certain.
Again, I get only ONE chance for this so it has to be absolutely qualified. More than "who sent a card" and "there was no card". I need that card. I need a witness to affair. I'd like it on film/pics.
VERIFY!
Thanks for your continued support and advice. Keep it coming and I'll keep updates happening.
I'm here for support. I can't give very good advice as I have made many mistakes. My sitch has improved somewhat, but only after having the courage to listen to Coach, Puppy, and others and doing what seemed to be impossible at the time. I can't quite turn the corner; maybe because I'm not detached enough and still a little scared.
Anyway, listen to the wise counsel that you are getting. You will save yourself much grief if you do the hard work now instead of letting build, along with your stress level, and get yourself in deeper trouble.
(Also posted on Infidelity thread-"My Games has Changed...')
Thanks for the input. I had an awful evening. And I'm probably too emotionally drained right now to deal with it. I'll give a rundown of the evening; my feelings and concerns. (I'm desperately trying to get "everybody" on one of the threads I have. I will copy this to the other thread as well to keep everyone in the loop. I'm beginning to regret taking the advice to open another cause now I'm guessing few of you are seeing all the posts. Any techies that can help me "merge' them?) Tonight- She brought home pizza. Her idea. We had a nice dinner and she even put her hand on my back at one point (briefly) during a chat at the sink. There were a few spots-one in particulaar- where we were laughing together like the old days and actually enjoying each other. Of course, there was the down spots. 1-as always, there were multiple SMS exchanges; and a few phone calls. Only one occurred in my prescence/earshot. It was her aunt in another province where she is going to visit her cousin next month. However, a detail came out that concerned me. Unlike my presumption, she has "friends who have a condo there and they'll be there the same week so I have a place to stay". The town is a summer hotspot for the "in crowd' and "parties". Condo was news to me. Family visiting looks like a sidebar now. Bad for me. 2-in a quick search for the card (she keeps everything of significance), though I found no card (it's hidden better OR as Sandy's post let me see, perhaps she did find the card inappropriate and rebuffed him?) I did find a receipt in her jacket for 'Party Passion'. Yep, a lube (we have some in the house already); a 'sexual enhancer cream' (can also be for self) and something else I couldn't find on the website. Not feeling really good here, either. 'Cause either way, self or OM, I'm not involved. Double bad. Also found some 'do it yourself' divorce printouts from the web. Based on the condition, they aren't new and likely date back to when I offered my own version which she ignored and has never discussed since. Nothing but limbo. But she has at least done some homework. And still no hard evidence of the affair. I know, it's highly likely but if I'm not 100% sure, I won't have the unwavering confidence I'll need for what comes next. Nor do I want to risk embarassing the h#ll out of myself on the remote chance it's not "exactly" what it appears. I have more questions than answers.
My feelings? I went from complete confidence to absolute despair in less than an hour and a real longing to somehow win her back because she is now so happy; unlike the woman I lived with for the year or so leading up to the D-bomb. If this woman lived here all the time without all the SMS and phone calls in private, and actually wanted to be here with us/me, I could easily do all the physical affections she needs and be happy myself. Then it would "feed on itself" to create the love feeling she is missing. But she doesn't understand that love is,first and foremost, A DECISION. The feeling derives from the actions based on the decison. We'd be 50% fixed in 10 minutes. She just needs to understand WAW Syndrome and see herself in it. It's not the marriage that is broken, it was our abilities to deal with the everyday problems. As someone else so wisely said (and it's difficult to feel it) she's not rejecting ME, she rejecting the unhappiness our marriage became. I understand it now and am aware of the skills and mindset required to create the solutions. But she is still in "grass is grenner" mode. And her increase in happiness is most likely being attributed to being away from me and the relief of dropping the D-bomb. So I'm quite unnerved and completely drained. Too much emotional turmoil. Rollercoaster is killing me. How does anyone try to GAL and be happy enough for the WAS to realize what they'll be missing when I barely have the mental capacity to remember to breathe? Sorry to suddenly be a "negative Nelly" but I don't know how long I can hold on without cracking and blowing the whole thing.
My Comments? I covered a lot of them above but I have a question. And here's the pitch. When I read DB/DR, it clearly stated that IF the spouse was already talking divorce or separation as already occurred, LRT is the way. e.g No expression of needs; no pursuing; no I love you; etc. THIS WAS ME ALREADY!! We had deteriorated to the point where we were roommates; separate beds, etc. This is the person she already knew she didn't want. Moreover, she is physical needs based and little actions of appreciation focused. Any attempt at either would be pursuing. So I'm beginning to feel that I've either missing a huge detail in my reading OR I'm simply doing it wrong entirely. And as a result, I'm still losing my wife and my D's mother as quickly as if I'd done nothing. And GAL so far has simply been attempts to get out of the house; visiting my family which "we" have grown to neglect; and talking to a few male friends (men's social circles are always smaller than women's- especially after M and K's). MY hobbies require I finish the basement (drum studio) or hockey season (to play) or more money (golf and cars). Gradually, and I find it more common in married men, all of the things that made me ME disappeared to be replaced by 'family obligations' "Doing too much of what I should and too little of what I want" AM I wrong? And, quite frankly, if I was asked to sum up what happened to my wife and I, I would have to say "simultaneous identity crises". Neither of us were happy in the marriage and yet neither of us had the skills, understanding or knowledge to be able to repair it. The only difference was I never gave up. On the other hand, I suppose I owe her my gratitude since it was only her "D-Bomb" that shook me enough to actually start reading up on it and finding DB. "So here I sit, broken hearted; got happily mrried, it barely started" (Sorry, it came to me that way) So,these are the thoughts that haven't stopped all eveningand will likely preventme from getting any real rest tonight. If anybody has some suggestions or can hold out a hand and walk/talk me through this to an "action plan', my gratitude would be enormous.
I haven't seen anyone respond to this last one. My hope is that you are keeping up in the Infidelity thread,now that it looks like that's where "we" are no.
Thanks to all for anything you can do to help me get my head and my scripts right.
