I am back...and finding me

[ericmsant2]

All

Thank you for attending my party…yep…my pity party. Sorry about that everyone. I had a bad night last night. I’ve now picked myself up and dusted myself off. Damn these emotions. Damn them.

I still love my wife and although I have accepted that our M is over; I really do still miss her. As I sit here typing up this post I realize one thing. The women that I fell madly in love with does not exist anymore. At least not towards me. The women that valued marriage, that had hope, that believe is working things out, that valued a family is gone. In her place is someone else. Someone else that is hurt…someone else that feels that it is now her time…someone else who stopped growing. Growing…yes growing…I on the other hand must NOT stop my growth. I must move forward. I must continue to extract myself from her life. I must move on. I must.

As hard as this is, as much as my soul and heart feels like it is being torn in pieces I must continue to work on letting her go. Letting her be. The more I think of how I felt last night. The more I thingk about her actions, the more I realize one other thing…..I deserve better than this. Who knows….she may feel the same way.

All, I am sorry I did not get a chance to respond sooner. I have a ton going on at work and I just did not get a minute today other than to respond to BH.

Grit -

you were in your own way.

So true dude…so true…my inability to accept this is keeping me stuck. Although my “mind” has accepted it…my heart is taking a little longer. It will come…this I know. I know this because I choose it. I choose to let her go. I had to….not for me but for her. I cannot teach her…I cannot help her…she can only help herself. If and when she needs me…I will try to be here for her.

That is why God gave you the biggest f@cking heart.

Thanks man…You know it’s tough when the guilt and the emotion take over. Those feelings of not being good enough…being told by my W “you never loved me”….it’s hard dude to accept that crap. I understand it is MLC script…I do. I also need to realize that this is how she feels right now and may feel for a very very long time. I know that I love and I love deeply. Maybe one day she will realize this. I also need to do a better job of understanding that her spew is her way of releasing her hurt.

Cat

Someday, you will find love. When you are not looking for it, it will just show up.

Okay FTR if I ever hit the powerball I am investment in bio research to come up with a pill to stop the cycling….hell the more I think of it…I think a “counter MLC” might be better. LOL

Who ever that is, she will be a very lucky woman. Because you are coming to your understanding.

I’m not trying to be cocky here…but yes she will be a very lucky women. Hell, she may even get flowers – (as you can tell I am in a much better mood – the cycle has stopped). LOL. Or she may get a taste of some of the E-man specialty….grilled rib eye and a wonderful onion thing I do on the grill. Hell if I really love her…she’ll get the Sant breakfast specialty of French Toast.

Mach
My brother from another mother…hey did I just post that…

You have to feel these things .....then take a step forward.

I think that is what I did. I felt it yesterday…I have been feeling it for a few weeks now. I am feeling it and I am moving forward. Part of my healing process is to post…post how I feel…get it out. Let go of the hurt.

What are you doing for YOU....

You hit the nail on the head as usual. What am I doing for me…We’ll let me see how I can answer that…Right now, my first priority are the kids (and I know you did not want to hear that). Unfortunately, she is never really home much so I find myself doing almost everything with the kids, which does not leave much time for me. About the only thing that I do for me is read, post and shoot the shiznit on the phone. I was gonna go out tonight with some friends from work but the kids called that they were hungry, so I rushed home to cook. I made the plan tonight because Wed is her day off. I guess I should have known better…the last few Wednesday’s she is usually out. I am going to try and hang out on the 4th of July and have some fun. Okay…I’m ready for the 2x4 now.

Life really is about you handle plan B....


Take a step Eric,

Yes and Yes Mach. I have taken a step…just a small one though…


Fud

I think it's important to strike a balance between allowing yourself to feel the grief and not wallowing in it.

Yes I think I have. Yesterday was a day of grieving…today is a day to get up and move forward and not allow myself to wallow in it.

Thank you for you words of encouragement fud. By the way I did accept your alt invite…as I tell everyone…take a look at my little angels.

Jack

Why is today any different than yesterday?

Why the low on the roller coaster?

Plain and simple…”interaction”… Every time I have interactions with W I end up feeling like crap. Okay not every time but most times. I did realize after our interaction (which was about the kids) that I allowed her to push the button. I allowed her actions to control my emotions. I still need to do some work here. The bottom line is that I still get fustrated by her coldness. I tried to discuss how we could improve our communication re the kids. I should have know better. It is not that she was nasty or anything like that…it is just she was non responsive. I tried to explain that we need to communicate what is going on so that we both have a unified front, as it relates to the kids. What I realized is that this is what I want. I need to realize that in her mind everything right now is what SHE wants. In short, I should have avoided the convo all together and kept doing what I am doing.

Jack – this [censored] is hard. The whole legal aspect of it suck. It fu*king sucks. We both are postering and the kids are in the middle. I try to keep them out of it. I really do. I’m trying to do the best that I can and I guess I expected a little help. Therein lies my problem. I expected something from her. I expected her to think a little more logically. I need to realize that right now she cannot. Right now she is not ready and may never be ready – right now it is about HER.

MH

Do for Eric now, he needs you.

I’m trying MH. I am.

Mila –

Thank you. Sorry I have not made it to your post in a few days…I hope all is well with you.

All

As hard as this is…I really do continue to move forward. I know that everything that I am going thru is normal. I know that I will survive this. Time….will heal the wounds….the work that has begun will continue.

God Bless everyone