WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

(Part two..)

Since she describes this so much better than I could at this point, and there is little that I would add or change, I'll post her words that hit home to me as a description of aspects of my life so far...

"In the name of God, spiritual growth, and trying to be nice and do things right - I had given away, as Janis Joplin wails about in her song, a lot of pieces of my heart.

I had handed over my esteem to those who hadn't been able to love me, either because it wasn't their destiny or desire. "Here, take it," I had said. "You must be right. There's something wrong with me." I had never learned the rules, the rules for how to be loved. I had given away my power to love, to be loved, and most of all, to love myself.

To those who had betrayed me, I had given the best pieces of my heart and soul. I had given them my hope, my ability to be fulfilled, and my compassion for myself. I had given up what I know to be my truth. I had foregone my right to be free from lies and deception. Instead, I had learned to betray myself. I had given so much and settled for so little in return. It was a deadly spirit-killing game. These were the most precious pieces of my heart. God, it was time to get them back. It was time to really love myself.

To those who said they knew better and more about what was right for my life, I had systematically relinquished my power. I had given up my ability to think and feel and to stumble around and find my own path. I had given away so much of my power my light had almost gone out. I needed to remember that each of us is valuable and has something important to contribute to the world. And my answers were in me.

I had given away my freedom to a lot of boxes and traps - from money, to sick love, to all the "have to's" "should's", and "shouldn'ts" floating around in society and embedded in my head. I had clipped my own wings and sat locked in a cage feeling bitter, powerless, and trapped. I didn't have to stay there. I knew how to fly.

To the dark forces of grief that had weakened my heart, I had given my ability to experience joy. I had begun to believe that life was only about loss. I thought it was supposed to hurt and be hard. What were those words I used to believe? "Everything works out for good. There is a Plan. I can really and truly trust God."

I had given my voice to those who would benefit by my silence. So many words were stuck in my throat I could barely speak anymore. I had forgotten how to scream in rage, shout for joy, say "Get away" or "Come close". I had learned to expertly acquiesce. I had forgotten how important my words are. It was time to start speaking my piece.

I had learned to overlook way too much. I had lost my stick. We each have so much emotional and spiritual power. I needed to remember what was important not to just others, but to me. It helps everyone when we tell people to stop.

To those people who hadn't protected me, I had given my right to feel safe. I had forgotten how to trust life and myself, to feel secure and out of harm's way. I thought I had to feel frightened and on guard. It was time to get back my peace. I knew how to protect myself.

To those who hadn't wanted me - at least not the way we want to be wanted. I had given my right to be here. Maybe they hadn't chosen me, but I could choose myself. All of us who are here now have chosen to be here for this transformational time. We are the chosen ones.

To all my dreams that had been shattered and lost, I had given my ability to dream again. I didn't think there was anywhere new left to go. I didn't think there was much left that merited hope. An important part of me had died. I had forgotten how to wish. I thought dreams were stupid and just for the weak, not for people who had sense. I didn't think there were any prizes left, at least not in this world, not for me. It was time to get back my sense of wonder and awe. I wanted to throw pennies in the fountain again and make a wish upon a star.

Now that I know what was missing, I wanted all these pieces back.

We don't have to settle for one iota less than we deserve, and our birthright is to be whole, complete, and intact. What we need to know is not how wrong we've been but how wonderful our souls and lives are."

(Melody Beattie, "Stop Being Mean to Yourself")