I think this is my home for the next 6 months...

[beingreal]

H called twice last night. Once just to say "thank you" for the clothes my father sent. Apparently my dad sent some really nice things. And he wanted to tell me he was sending some emails.

And that was all. No snide remarks, no blaming or woe-is-me crap. I had given him a box with some of his stuff in it that I'd been collecting as I'd found it. He asked me if I knew that my bite guard was in it. S2 must have taken it out of the case & threw it in the box.

"No, no I didn't. Just hang onto it, I'll get it sometime."

"That's okay. I dropped it in the toilet by accident. I was just holding it & *plop* in it went. Naw, I'm kidding. I have it here."

"You're funny."

"Yeah, I am funny."



I looked at the email today. It read...

(smiley face) Hi W, just a brief message to thank you and to give you the info on the fanfoto information from "The Ballpark" today, here it is, you go to http://www.blahblah.com/fanfoto and click on "Click Here to Find Your Photos>06.13.10 Vs. Somewhere>then from select your gallery choose: {particular gallery info}....thank you for reading and I look forward to hearing from you if you enjoy them....

(broken heart icon) H



I don't know if it's reaching out. Or a touch and go. Or whatever the hell it is.

I think there is a difference between a safe place to land and a safety net, though.

I don't want him thinking he wants to come back because he is too afraid to start over again on his own. He can't hide behind me--we would be right back here in 6 months, if not sooner.


I'm almost annoyed with him for this. Don't come back to me because you're afraid. A phone call and an email do not make for a reconciliation. No one can change in 48 hours. no one can go from total MLC cad to ready to work on things in two days.

Of course, I am probably reading waaayyyy too much into it & I need to stop. He is in an awful place, he is hurting, somewhere inside he remembered that I'm a safe place for him. I don't know if that's good or bad.

I do know that's not enough.

Suggestions? Comments? 2x4s?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I don't want him thinking he wants to come back because he is too afraid to start over again on his own. He can't hide behind me--we would be right back here in 6 months, if not sooner.

Comment:

Good for you!

[Marked&Healed]

You're sounding very good, very sure of yourself. Good for you!

[beingreal]

Hi everyone. I had a *security breach* at work. I logged onto my laptop at work for a coworker & up popped the DB page on the Google Chrome favorites page.

"What's divorce busting?"

"Oh, just a page helping me deal with all of this."

"Is it a chatroom?"

"Oh, no. Nothing like that. Just psychology stuff. haven't you noticed how well I've been doing? Hmmm? lololol" holy crap.

I logged him into his server & hung out until I could close it up again. Except shelbel was a little too *real* for comfort.

So now I am just.... being real.


And in other news... the old H showed up for less than 48 hours.

In a nutshell he is back to blaming me, feeling sorry for himself, not able to see any way out of his mess & it just keeps building.

There is so much more. I'm just too drained to rehash everything right now. But I think I did well. I was calm and rational, did't take the bait, was honest without being a bitch, and concerned without being condescending. I am worried about him, but I know that I can't do anything for him--he has to do this himself. I can honestly say that I pray he fights his way through this. Not for me. Not for us. I am not concerned with a reconciliation at all.

I hope he does this for himself. It's like watching someone you love on a sinking ship & they refuse to jump because they are too afraid of the water.

*sigh*


I need to go pay some bills. You know, be real and stuff. lol

hugs my friends.

[beingreal]

Hi everyone. Sorry to be MIA. I'm still popping in & trying to keep up on every one else--just not much time to post or update.


So...

I ended up getting into a, IDK, *mini argument* with H yesterday. He wanted to take the kids after the Tball game last night to save time & money driving, forgot he was supposed to be back up here on Saturday for the last game. He'd planned *Happy Meal Night* with the kids from the team for last night--he was taking them all out for happy meals after the game.

The convo started well, then turned to $$ and how easy *I* had it since I was not experiencing an "income deficit". This is the man who just took he son & spent a pretty penny on a baseball game last weekend. The one who was going to take 12 6 year olds out to McDonalds last night. But he has a "income deficit"?

I hadn't mentioned anything about why he was spending money or where he was getting it from. None of my business. Please note I've not asked him for one dime. And now *I'm* living on easy street. According to him, I should have plenty of money since I'm not paying my mom to watch the kids when I work, and...

I'm not paying him to take them every other weekend, (!!!!!!!!!!!!!)


Are you freaking kidding me? And he was dead serious, btw. I told him that I was having a hard time taking care of three kids on my income, and what little I saved by him being gone was sucked up in other ways (like the $40 a month increase in car insurance for a speeding ticket he never told me about.)

"You had no problem sucking up my student loan checks."

Dude...the last one I saw was in November. I used the rest of the disbursement to help defray some of the costs of him not working. Car, insurance, gas, his clothes--you name it. He used the last one in Feb. to buy a new Mac for school. $1500 of computer. omg...it's like beating my head against a wall.

It doesn't matter, though. He is never going to get it. He went straight back to blaming me for "kicking him out." I used my typical DB responses of "I'm sorry you feel that way." and "I remember it very differently." But all he did was tell me I needed to face reality and stop being in denial.

"You threw me out and I didn't have any choice in the matter."

That did it. I'm done being wishy washy. Without being a bitch I touched on these points...

~You did have a choice. I told you that if I was to blame for all of your problems, then you needed to leave. And you left. You choose to pack up all of your stuff and leave. I didn't make you do anything.

~YOU control how this works out, H. Only you. No one else can decide what happens from here on out. You made choices that got you to this point, you'll make choices to get out of this mess. Where you end up is up to you. You are NOT a victim.

~I'm really very sorry about the fire. I'd love nothing more than to jump in and make everything better. But I can't. It's not my job. I did that too much during our marriage and it didn't help anything. It only made things worse. I can't fix any of this for you. I'm sorry.

~You've spent so much time feeling sorry for yourself that you've forgotten how to take care of yourself. You are the only one who can change this.


He was just angry--I doubt he heard any of it. He accused me of forgetting what our M was like & *faking* being nice to him. I told him I wasn't faking--I didn't see the point in fighting with him all the time.

He wasn't going to have any of it. He said something about my being an effin b!tch & hung up.

He upset me, but not in the way he usually does. I am tired of taking all of the responsibility for all of his problems. I am to blame for a lot of things that happened, of course I am. But this is getting stupid. So I shrugged it off, let it fall.

I was really rather calm and collected. My kids even asked me who I was talking to since I looked stern, but wasn't yelling. lol Not the way Mommy typically fights with Daddy. I didn't point out how inadequate he was, or what a loser he was or any of those other comments he's accused me of making.

Just simply I'm sorry, I can't fix it, you are the only person who can.


I called him later because I need the title to my car. I offered to take the title (and the almost $3000 we still owe on it) and give him the van. i'll sign whatever stating that I won't fight you for it, or for any value in it. Take it.

And...I apologized for the argument.

I told him I was sorry, our fighting was never going to solve anything and there was no point in it. He accepted, and apologized in return (which was nice, but not at all expected.) I apologized because I really AM tired of fighting with him. He doesn't hear me, I'm wasting my breath and my energy. I didn't apologize to make him feel better (he could have told me to eff off & I wouldn't have been surprised).

I apologized for me. Does that make sense? I do not want to be the person who is always fighting with her...whatever he is. I'm tired of my heart hurting anymore because I let his words or actions get to me. I'm tired of beating my head against a wall. I owe my children more than that.

I owe myself more than that. And the only way I'm going to get the peaceful heart I want is to stop letting it (him) take that away.

Say what you want, H. No more complaints from here.

It is what it is. And nothing more.

[beingreal]

Where to begin...

Y'all might want to go to the bathroom & grab a cold drink before we begin. Just sayin'.



H called Monday night to talk to me. I was surprised to say the least. S8 had given me a message earlier that H was sorry this had ever happened and that he wasn't mad at me anymore. I told S8 that he didn't need to be in the middle of us & that while we both loved him, don't try to act like a mediator.

I thought he'd been making it up. I was wrong, H had really told him to say all that. He told me that he'd been feeling guilty about everything that had happened, that I was a wonderful person and he didn't see just how much he'd hurt me. I gave him my views on forgiveness, told him that he could stop feeling guilty, I'd forgive him if he'd forgive himself.

He was broken up about having to start over with nothing, I told him it was a good place to start over at. I apologized for trying to control everything about his life & told him that he had a great opportunity here--this was the first time he didn't have someone telling him what to do, not me, not his parents. Every choice was his. I swear I thought I was channeling J3B a couple times while talking to him. Except I wasn't just regurgitating things I'd read here. I meant every word of it.

I thought we ended it pretty well. The beginning of some kind of communication. I was happy to hear that he realized he needed to work on himself. The only way I wondered how it would affect *us* was to wonder if I was ready for there to be an *us*. If I still wanted there to be an *us*.

I was still contemplating it when he called last night and asked if he could come visit so we could talk. Every fiber in my body screamed "No!!", but I said yes. I told myself that it didn't mean anything, maybe he just needed to talk about everything that has happened. Maybe he's not even thinking about a reconciliation.

Again... I was wrong.

He started off sounding good, I was hopeful for him. He talked about having to start over, & how things weren't as bad as they seemed. He talked about appreciating the people who had helped them out, and made mention of people he was surprised hadn't even bothered to show up & lend their support to his parents--he didn't seem just hurt by that, he seemed pissed (uh-oh, first red flag)

He talked about realizing that the most important things that mattered in his life weren't really *things*. The the kids, his family & "you and me" were the most important things. (red flag number two. Not "you and me"...more "youandme". mmmmmno)

More talk of starting over, more talk of his choices, more of me just sitting and listening (which I've become very good at the past month, I might add). I told him I was sorry for everything I'd put him through, I'd had no right to treat him like that, and even though my intentions were good, it was still controlling of me. I told him I loved him & always would, and I offered my support in any decision he made.

Eventually he said that what he'd hoped to hear while he was here was that there was hope for us (Danger Will Robinson!! Danger!!) He didn't like my answer of "I don't know." I told him that I wasn't shutting the door just yet, I hadn't filed anything because I wasn't sure of anything. I didn't know if we'd end up together again, so I couldn't say *yes* and I wouldn't say *no*.

Not what he wanted to hear. He told me he didn't want to be known as the bad guy, and didn't believe me when I told him I'd never portrayed him like that. He told me at one time that it wasn't fair that he had to leave--he hadn't asked me to leave & support him while he lived here with the kids. "Wait, H, I support us. I haven't asked you for anything." "No, but you will. That is all that is important to you."

That's when the facade fell. Right back to twisting my words & making me feel like I was to blame. I knew he was faking it. I knew he was, NO ONE does that much work in five days. I said exactly that and you know what he did? He counted back FIVE FREAKIN DAYS!! Told me what he was doing five days ago & that we hadn't even had our last fight yet five days ago.

Head, brick wall. Brick wall, head. I know you've met, please get reacquainted.

Thanks for proving my point, H. He started in on a barrage of things I'd done wrong, I stopped him & told him our visit was over. The last thing he said before he walked out was "I just didn't think I'd f@cked up so badly." And not in a 'wow--I really screwed up" kind of way. Try 'wow, you are still over reacting.'





He called maybe ten minutes later to apologize & we ended up getting into a flat out fight. I was still to blame, I still needed to hear how I hurt him, I still was the one who threw him out, I was talking in circles telling him I wasn't going to make any decisions for him when I had made the decision that he leave.

I finally snapped. And I'm not sorry. I told him that I had made every effing decision for him for the past nine years--what to eat, what to do, when to take classes, how much to work, whether to work at all, I even bought every piece of clothing you wore. I did it all, all of it and I was WRONG! Now it's your turn to make your own decisions."

I told (yelled) him that HIS decisions were a huge part of the reason we were here, his decisions were the ones he had to deal with, and only the decisions he made could get him out of this mess. If he didn't want to make those decisions, then fine. lay down and die because that's your only option. But I WILL NOT curl up in a ball and cry because you think I should. I will not spend the rest of my life paying for the decisions that you made.

I've made my choices, I choose to make myself a priority, sorry you still can't see why. Man the eff up and own your sh!t. You got you to here, only you can get you out. Quit blaming me.

Annnnndddd... that's when he decided there MUST be someone else. give me a freaking break. He's been accusing me of cheating for the past nine years. I've never even come close. Not once. Not even an inappropriate hug from a man. But now there was someone else. He said that was the only reason I'd want him gone. To which I said, "There was never anyone else. The only other person I started to care about towards the end of our marriage... was me."


I do look forward to the day when I do love again. I do look forward to sharing my life with someone who respects me and appreciates me & loves me. I won't be his scratching post. I won't be the reason he fails. I will have a partner in a marriage.

This "marriage"? This one is dead. I think it died a long time ago, it's just taken this long to decompose.


The last thing I said to him on the phone was to ask--no beg, while crying--for him to just leave me alone. I don't know what he wants from me, so please, just leave me alone. He said he would and hung up.


And then he emailed me. *sigh*.

W, I know that I am wrong by writing you this email after I told you that I would leave you alone but, on my way back home I prayed and asked God to give me a way to handle all of the things that had happened. I was then re shown a scripture from Psalm 107 2-9 that I stumbled upon today in the debris, that says to me that my soul has fainted me and I believe that my soul will be filled with goodness again by trusting and believing in God. I know that I will always love you and I will be your friend no matter what. I also will continue to love and cherish and see my (our) children, no matter what. I will do what is right for the circumstance that I am presented with with only love and forgiveness always. I will continue to offer my love and friendship and I will display nothing but respect that I have for you as my wife and as our wonderful children's Mother, forever. I wanted you to know this. I am going to "Fix it" I promise you this. That is "Fix" me and in turn I will become the person that God has created for me to be. I sincerely mean this enough to put it into words. Please accept me as I am today and what God has empowered me to become tomorrow. I will always love you. I will continue to trust, Love and respect you forever. I know it wasn't fair for me to place any ill feelings on you today and it won't happen ever again.

Sincerely, H

The scripture in the debris... they were getting rid of the rubble & discovered that all three of the bibles that were in the fire hadn't been destroyed. Two left untouched, one with a little smoke damage. H took that as a sign.


So that's where I am. A friend from here on the boards has said I am now a WAS of an MLCer. Okay. The only thing I want right now is for it to stop. Just be done. I want to be happy & I want my soul to be at peace. This is not it.


I've not responded to the email. I really don't want to.

You can 2x4 me for yelling at him. It's okay. I don't regret any of the things I said to him, only the way I said it. And I barely regret that.

I'm exhausted. But at least now I know *exactly* how I feel.

I want to be happy. I want to be myself. I don't want to figure his crap out for him anymore. He can do it on his own, or not--I don't care anymore. Just as long as he stops trying to drag me down with him.

I like it here in the sun.

I like my life.

I like me.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Sometimes those fights HAVE to happen.

It might have gone better if you had...been less emotional...planned out what you wanted to say when you knew a conversation was going to turn toward a fight...crap like that.

But you know me...might is about as useful as wishing for a unicorn that poops out Skittles.

So I'll say good job on not going WAY over baord on the fight.


Look in your H I see confusion.

Liken his 5 day change to YOU just figuring out the ideas of DBing that believing that you actually know how to.

To be honest his 5 day insights...good for him. Now the trick is to live them...and you are right 5 days is too soon to change a leopards spots...but at least he was thinking in the right direction. Give him credit for that. His leaning in the right direction.

Control your emotions better when in a fight. Remember what YOU want. AND even if you DO NOT KNOW what you want..the idea is to leave as many options available so you can pick and choose later.

I will say this about him...

he seems to be trying.

I also love that while you do have some 'buts' in there...not one of them is "I know...but..."

You are proud of your actions...good for you.

A DB success...maybe not as you once though of as a success when you first got here, but a success none the less. : )

[PEI]

You go girl! Now to be fair ^^^^^ what Jack said ... he's right (happens a lot damn it!) ...

Emotionally reactive stuff aside, I am so proud of you. (And me. And all of us on here that area ready to 'fight' for ourselves.)

I see so much of me in you ... I'm really almost there ... or I am there, I just haven't communicated with H about it yet (I have my reasons ... soon). I'll update my sitch soon ...

Anyway ... ((((hugs)))) to you sista ... you done good . By you. And that's what you need to focus on.

You know ... a good long walk on the beach is good for the soul ... we've got lots of those here if you're ever in this part of the world

Peace
PEI

[beingreal]

Apparently I'm a f$%^&#g cu%t.

He says he isn't going to pay support for the kids because this was my idea. In fact, he thinks he wants full custody.

Remember he is living with his parents & doesn't want to get a job. But he'll take them full time so I have to pay him.

I thought I married a man.



The home phone is unplugged, his calls are going to voice mail.

All of this because I won't work on our marriage.

Anyone blame me?




I'm going to see a lawyer during the week. I'm not doing this anymore.

[beingreal]

omg... He left a vm saying he is considering getting a restraining order against me.

Um...okay.

And less than five minutes later... he thinks he'll just let me raise them alone so he doesn't have to pay. They'll be fine.


THIS is the crap I put up with for years guys. It is so much easier to see just how insane he is when I've had some time away from him.