help with a plan

[idontunderstand]

How would this sound if I called her:

W, I agree we need to get the tire fixed today. You caught me a little off guard this morning driving to work. If you can get it up to Joe's garage, I can pick it up on the way home tonight. That way it will be done in a day instead of being tied up for two whole days if I take it in.

[Coach]

How would this sound if I called her:

W, I agree we need to get the tire fixed today. You caught me a little off guard this morning driving to work. If you can get it up to Joe's garage, I can pick it up on the way home tonight. That way it will be done in a day instead of being tied up for two whole days if I take it in.

you are still trying to make it your way (fixing).

Just ask, "How can I help you?" Then she can answer with exactly what she wants. She gets what she wants and you then are on your way to getting what you want.

[Steve McQueen]

hows abouts texting...

"You right.

& theres nothing sexier than a woman driving a truck."

then fix the tire yourself without saying a word about it.

[idontunderstand]

Long time no see, Steve!

I like your idea, but I played it safe. I called and told her what i wrote. She said she had already tried and couldn't get the tire off by herself. I told her where the long handled extension and breaker bar were and what size socket to use and don't use the tire iron from the van, it's junk. She said she would try or I could do it when I got home.

Man, I thought I was brighter than this. I have got to quit screwing up so much.

[LSG]

Hey IDU,

You did not screw up! If you think you did, how did you screw up? What can you do to turn it around? Look at how this can be an opportunity for you. You always have options and alternative. Look for them. It can be fixed.

Take it easy on yourself. You are doing your best in a difficult situation.

Keep trying! You have come along way, and it ain't over yet.

[idontunderstand]

Thanks, LSG.

I do keep trying and I do keep screwing up. Coach is right, I keep trying to fix things. I have to train myself not to do that anymore.

When I called her, I did say what I wrote, only I phrased it as a question. Trying to tie in with what Coach was saying. What can I do to help, I said after she told me she had tried and couldn't get the wheel off.

Thanks, everyone, for all the help. I just wish I didn't still need it as much after all this time.

[pigskin]

Here's a short insight to how my W thinks nowdays-

She called me on the way to work saying the van had a flat tire. She meant to tell me yesterday but forgot. (Kind of hard to tell me something when she doesn't speak to me. :o)She asked me if I wanted her to take the wheel off and have it fixed. I asked if she needed the van the next couple of days, she said not she could take the truck if she needed to go somewhere. I said I would take the wheel off tonight and take it in to work and fix it myself. She said wouldn't it be cheaper to take it to such and such in town to fix it? I said we have had him fix tires before and he is going to charge you $25.00, I am going to do it for free. Unless you need the van, I will do it tomorrow. She said, I don't even know why I called, and hung up.

God, my patience is running thin.

I'm sorry, I've got to disagree with everyone. Do you want to have to spend the rest of your life worrying about responding in a very common sense, practical manner?

You fix = free. Wife fix = $25. Wife has alternate transportation so van tire is not imperative at all. Obviously not even an issue to wife since she forgot to even tell you about it for a day.

Do you want to walk through your marriage on eggshells? Your wife's irritated response is just like my own. "Sorry honey, that my completely rational answer that would be accepted by anyone not in an affair and looking for the slightest reason to be annoyed by me so as to justify her looking outside the marriage is not acceptable to you."

[LSG]

Pigskin,

I agree with you for the most part, but I think DBing at this point and approaching the situation from the point of view of Coach, Steve, and others is important since IDU's W is a WAW. The type of communication you mention just does not work completely the same way in a healthy relationship. It is about bringing the R to that point to have the communication flow freely in a very healthy way that is lasting in a better M.

[idontunderstand]

I'm glad to see someone understands my confusion at times.

Nothing new. When I got home, I ate some supper, changed clothes and started to go out to the shed. Kids wanted to come out with me and I said, sure. W asked what I was going to do. Get the wheel off the van and get it fixed. You would have thought I dumped a wasps nest down the front of her shirt; "I already called xyz garage. I'm going to drive the van there in the morning and they said they would do it first thing. Don't take the wheel off, don't touch the van. I am taking care of it."

Now, the way she talked yesterday, I didn't think the van could be driven, that the tire was too flat and wouldn't hold air long enough to go anywhere. Why didn't she just drive it to the garage yesterday? Why even call me?

I'm tired of walking on eggshells and over thinking what I say to her and how I say it. How do I handle things? LRT takes a little pressure off of me, as I don't try to make small talk or anything like that anymore. When she does talk, I look at her and listen. She is so mad all the time. Not just with me, but the kids as well.

She will not leave. She backs off each time we have had the discussion. "I done, this marriage is over, you don't trust me, I haven't been in love with you for two years." The time frame is always flexible. It will go from one or two years to four or five, sometimes in the same sentence. The rewriting of martial history. Then I will tell her the script: If you don't want to work on this 100%, then you need to go. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me........ She changes her mind.

I don't want to be where so many people here are at. I guess that I really am, just that my W is still in the house. She will soften for a while, like a few minutes, then go back to the mean, hard, mad person that the kids and I have to live with. I know she is mad at me. I am not pursuing(I don't think)or pushing her. I have told her I am okay with her leaving. She won't.

It would be easier if she would.

[Coach]

I'm glad to see someone understands my confusion at times.

Here's a story I learned here to help me understand my wife better.

You are having a big BBQ at your house on Saturday and you are busy on the grill and your wife is in the kitchen. All the guys come out and stand around you and drink a beer while you do all the grilling. In the kitchen your wife is making a salad while all the other women jump in and finish putting out the rest of the food, filling glasses, and making sure the table is ready. What are the conversations like at the grill vs in the kitchen?

If another man came up to you while you were grilling and started to help how would that go over? If the other women just watched your wife what would she say? It's a insult to a man to help another man without being invited, it's insulting to a woman not to help because there is work to be done. Ever get a dirty look while you are watching a game and your wife is cleaning?

Intuitively the men and women know how to act around each other, it's when our spouse needs help in a way that is best for them we struggle. Women want your support, listen to them and don't try to fix things for them. Men want to be in charge, fix problems, get things done and say as little as possible.

You have to be aware of what she really is telling you. Treating and speaking to your wife like she is a man is counterproductive. Do what works. Be a cat whisperer.