I have been reading posts here on DB for a while and wasn't sure if I should join, but I am in desparate need of help and advice. My H of 12 years left me in early January 2010 and never returned. Said he was unhappy and it was because of me. He said he made a bad decision in marrying me and that we are not right for each other - and it took him years to get up the "courage" to leave. He is a reservist and has been deployed for 2 months now. We do not have any legal documents separating us, but in VA, you are considered legally separated when you stop living together.
Well, he made the decision to leave. I do not want a divorce and I have begged, pleaded, told him I loved him and believed in him and nothing. He ignores me. I have been there for him and his family over the years and he is treating me with total disregard. It hurts and pains me so much to see this man I married, who pursued me vehemently when we were dating, behave like he does not care about me or really anything.
He has a twin sister and baby sister, who is not clode to. Both of his parents are deceased. He has a older brother who lives in a half-way house (another state) that he has never seen (since he was removed from the home) or visited and even acknowledges. He tells me, "don't know him".
My H is a smart and intelligent man, very accomplished, but has issues that he just does not want to deal with. I know I have not been nice 100 % during our marriage, but he even admitted, before going to Iraq, that I am the only one that EVER treated him with so much kindness and love.
I suspect, after seeing him with another woman, that it began as an EA, but not sure if it turned into a PA. Now that he is in Iraq, I have cried everyday this week. He called yesterday and told me that I am being difficult by not wanting to discuss divorce. It is my fault that we didn't get things resolved (divorce/legal separation papers) before he left. I asked him about his dedication to the core values of the military. Why would he divorce without even attempting to see if the R could be salvaged? He says that we will never work as a couple; even alluding that we should sell the house upon his return next year.
He asked me to sign up for Skype so that we can have video chats while he is away. I did a stupid thing and then asked if he planned to speak to "other" people (in an attempt to see about the OW) through Skype and he said "probably". I asked if that would be his family and he said I needed to stop asking questions.
3 weeks ago, he called and emailed me several times when I was out of town and then sent me a mean message asking why I was avoiding his calls and emails. I was not, I just needed to get out of town and did not take charger (by mistake). Then we speak and he is so gentle and kind on the phone, asking where I was because I was not home and saying that I was being mysterious. He said that he cared for me so much, but now, 3 weeks later, he is spouting D again and says he is never coming back. What do I do? Am I in denial? He seems like he knows what he wants to do and maybe I am the one who is not facing the truth...
I am so lost and confused...HELP!!
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
