One thing that did stand out that perturbs me a bit is the " matter of fact " way in which she discussed talking about splitting up our household stuff tomorrow. Not a hint of regret, longing, remorse, sadness or anything similar. Very business like and impersonal, which gives me the impression this is still going to be for quite some time in her mind. Just when you start thinking your making progress or seeing a sliver of daylight......... SIGH.
I KNOW I cant, but I SO want to tell her " Look ! I solved everything, I can afford this new place on my own, Im going back to school, ( From her own words and third parties I KNOW she see's the changes I've made and just isnt convinced their permanent), our kids DESERVE this from us to try , you dont have to worry about working and can go back to school , etc etc etc .
But she's VERY stubborn, and admitted she holds grudges......
One thing that did stand out that perturbs me a bit is the " matter of fact " way in which she discussed talking about splitting up our household stuff tomorrow. Not a hint of regret, longing, remorse, sadness or anything similar. Very business like and impersonal,
maybe, she was trying to avoid a relationship talk by making you wonder why she is acting the way she is...
or maybe, she is being coach to realize that divorce is a legal proceeding and it is best to be "business like and impersonal" and keep emotions out of the business end of it all.
After reading some other threads, Michelle's Article on the effects of an S or OM on children and some other research, plus noticing a change in my DD's behavior ( age 6 in August) Im both pissed at my WAW and resolved at the same time. Im PISSED at the WAW that from my perspective, she's most interested in doing whats right for HER, then what is right for our kids ( staying together and giving it everything we have ), particularly since we both come from fractured families and we both vowed that OUR kids would never go through that, yet here we are. Remember, my WAW first two kids also didnt have their Dad around.
Im concerned enough for my DD that I think it would be a good idea to set her up to speak to a counselor. I've done everything I can do to reassure her that Mommy and Daddy both love her VERY much, that NONE of whats happening is her fault in any way, making a deliberate effort to do things with her as much as my ridiculous schedule permits, etc.
But she has told me more then once that she wants us to be a family again. She has become more argumentative/stubborn towards me, she has bouts of melancholy a few times a week, etc. She is a FANTASTIC kid, we always get compliments about how well behaved she is. When everything first blew up,and I was in my extreme grief, begging , pleading, crying stage while the WAW was still here, more then once DD heard me crying ( despite my best efforts to sheild her ) and came and gave me a giant squeeze and just held on tight. Breaks my heart even now to write that, that my little girl was more worried about making her Daddy feel better then anything else.
So, like I said, I want to arrange for her to see a counselor of some type, but Im on the fence about whether to tell the WAW ahead of time or not. Im 90% certain she will respond harshly if I tell her Im VERY concerned about our D, as it will mean she will have to "own" her part in the damage. I dont think ANYONE is telling WAW what our S is and will do to our kids,and or she is convinced they will " bounce back " when the evidence this simply isnt true is right in front of her in the form of HER twin D's emotional turmoil over the last several years. But of course she's in the " FOG".
I brought this issue of the effects on the kids up once before at the very beginning and WAW response was along the lines of " its not any better for them to see us fighting so much " or something like that.
I feel like Im in a Catch 22. If I tell the WAW Im making an appointment for our DD to see a counselor, Im sure she'll interpret that as trying to " guilt her " , even though thats NOT my motivation. If I just do it and let her find out on her own ( Im sure DD will let on fairly quickly ) then she'll be pissed that I did it without saying anything to her.
Clearly the right thing to do is whats right for my DD emotional well being, but Im equally certain the WAW, in her FOG will be adamantly opposed to the need for it, as she will then be forced to confront her part in creating the situation.
Had to break up todays "session" into two parts, as WAW had to take DD to a DR's appt. First part STILL filled with a ton of venom, resentment and anger towards me. STILL accusing me of things that simply never happened. I swear it feels like she's trying to see just how hard she can push my buttons to get the " typical reaction" , if I bite my tongue any harder Im gonna bite it off !!
This is DEFINETLY going to be a LONG "battle" for sure. The worst part is feeling that the more time she spends with OM, the worse my chances become of getting her back. She still has agreed to meet once a month with our counselor to work on our communication problems ( for the kids ) but its certainly going to have the side effect of helping us.
I did get a chance to mention that there are limits to what Im willing to tolerate as far as her wanting my help and my refusal to be treated like a doormat. Didnt get a reply to that as time was short. We're supposed to pick it back up again when she gets back from DR's appt. But that will probably only be maybe two hours of talk time, which Im sure will virtually fly by.
Seems her "anger" she expressed to me the other night about me " finally waking up " really wasnt the " second guessing " on her part that I had ascribed to it and was simply her just being pissed off at me still. Thats disappointing to be sure, because it really came across as a slight crack appearing. Seems she is determined to hold on to her anger for a very long time(which is actually normal for her TBH). But knowing that certainly makes me feel quite hopeless that I can turn things around.
For the summer we have the kids splitting time, alternating weeks with each of us. Counselor didnt seem to think it was out of line for me to request she have dinner with me and the kids at least one night of those alternating weeks, didnt get the chance to bring it up but will when we resume session in an hour.
In another couple weeks it will be a full two months since things exploded and roughly a month since she effectively moved out. Feels like its been forever!! And the ironic thing is we always joked with amazement when things were good about how it really never felt like we had been together as long as we had, as in " we werent getting stale " Guess at least one if us was fooling ourselves.
Got that "greasy" sick feeling in my stomach right now.....
GRRRRRRRRR I am having to find levels of " patience " I didnt think existed ! The WAW took our DD for a check up at 1:30, something that should have taken no longer then an hour to an hour and a half MAX. She previously committed to returning in time to finish our session before she had to go to work. At 4:30 I called to find out if everything was ok, ( my truck that she is driving has been having minor problems ) " I'll be there soon ". She also KNOWS she has to go to the bank with me to take care of helping me deposit a check she exchanged to me for cash over the weekend ( stupid bank rule, they wont let me deposit it into my account unless she is present since we dont have a joint account ) Its now another 45 mins since last contact and nothing.
I feel this is incredibly rude and disrespectful, not only to me, but also to our counselor, who is generously taking time away from her family to help us with our communications issue's for FREE !!!
She did the same thing this morning, said she would be over in the AM and didnt bother to show up until the time she thought DD's appt was , leaving NO time for our discussion. But it backfired on her, since she misread my text about the appt time and was early by an hour.
She's stalling, plain and simple. And whats infuriating is I SOOOO want to blast her and call her on it, since its SOOOOO obvious, she's acting like Im some kind of idiot.
I dont know what her motives were for stalling this morning, however stalling in returning is DEFINETLY because I made it clear this afternoon that we needed to set a firm date about when I get my truck back. She whined about how all the kids couldnt fit in the OM's truck, and her's isnt on the road yet.
I also calmly let her know that yes I was in fact mad about some things. An observation the counselor brought up last week that I initially denied. Including that I was mad about feeling betrayed about her vow to NEVER have our kids go thru something like this and yet here we are.
My baby boy is sleeping, so screaming at the house is out,no one to call and rant to , no punching bag to wail on, ARRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH
Tell her to bring the truck back, tell her that her car problems and the OM's vehicle inadequacies aren't your problem and because she couldn't respect your request to bring it back on time you won't bother loaning it to her in the future.
If she borrowed a vehicle from a friend and the friend asked her to bring it back by a specific time, would she have brought it back on time or would she have taken her time and stalled and return it late?
If she can't respect you the same way she would respect another person offering the same thing to her then she can't borrow from you anymore.
Stand up for yourself, you're allowed. You don't have to be a prick or an a$$hole but you do have to stand up for yourself.
And what's this about the OM driving her and your kids around? UMMM.... NOPE! You didn't agree to him driving your kids anywhere, she can do whatever she wants with him but not with your kids.
I just dont get this AT ALL. She SWEARS she doesnt want to fight or argue, SWEARS she's committed to us working on our communications issues for the good of the kids, wants my help with things and then pulls these kind of stunts! I really feel like asking her if she really thinks this is the best way to motivate me!? I GUARENTEE if I pulled a similar stunt ( said I was taking the kids one place and then dropped off the face of the earth for hours on end she would be going ballistic !!!!)
I have bent over backwards to be kind, polite, validating, understanding, compassionate, etc,etc.
What is the point of this kind of behavior ?!?!?!?! Is this some kind of warped "test" ?? Seeing if I'll blow her phone up , rip her a new one, go looking for her, call the police ????
I am having a REALLY hard time reconciling this Dr Jekyl/Mrs Hyde routine.
