Always record a confrontation... particularly with a professional.. if she slips up you have her and can report her to authorities... it may not come to much, but its nice to have it on tape that she blew you off...
If you can get her to work WITH your FT to compliment your Husband's treatment that is ideal... often clinics offer a full set of professionals and tehy would direct the patient to the other dr for the other probelms... But in my opinion if I were an IC and found out my paitent was having an affair I would insist they end it immeidately as it adversely impacts INDIVIDUAL progress... infidlity causes anxiety, paranoia, and a myriad of other brain strains ... the idea that you can treat someone for mental problems and just IGNORE the infidleity is ridiculous
But in my opinion if I were an IC and found out my paitent was having an affair I would insist they end it immeidately as it adversely impacts INDIVIDUAL progress... infidlity causes anxiety, paranoia, and a myriad of other brain strains ... the idea that you can treat someone for mental problems and just IGNORE the infidleity is ridiculous.
YES - this is what I've been thinking this whole time.. and naively thought trying to convince my H of this by appealing to his knowledge of his own disorder was the way to go.
I honestly think he has her hooked. He's awesome at telling health professionals exactly what they want to hear (apparently as well as his wife and ow) - been there when he's done, and I stopped it in its tracks when I could because that's not the way to get healthy.
She may not even know half the stuff he's really doing. So, either way this will help... confronting her will help expose H's lies and omissions, or help expose her ineptitude.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Yes I suspect he's only giving her half truths at best.. these people ARE trained for that, but she may not be that bright, who knows...
The fact that she hasn't reccomended a FT at this point or shown an interest in contacting you doesn't impress me...
To my mind even individual problems like your husband's are a FAMILY problem and you should be visitng her privately to find out how YOU can HELP her TREATING your HUSBAND.... Hello? lol
Sorry but these IC's who just try to work in secret and not get the family involved don't impress me at all...
I assume she has made no attempt to contact you whatsoever to work with your husband in his treatment?
YES - this is what I've been thinking this whole time.. and naively thought trying to convince my H of this by appealing to his knowledge of his own disorder was the way to go.
Not while he's addicted my dear... Not gonna happen... you are making a classic db mistake... trying to REASON with a wayward addict... it does NOT WORK
I assume she has made no attempt to contact you whatsoever to work with your husband in his treatment?
None whatsoever, and up till her, I've been involved with H's docs and treatments. He, in fact, refused to have me even go to the office with him and meet her, let alone go to an appointment.
Funny thing though - I just found a state licensure website for Missouri... to practice as a marital therapist, you have to be lisences as such, and there are only 2 in the whole county. One is the guy I want to see, the other is his female associate... neither of which are the IC H is seeing.
I think I've just found my main point of justifiable legal contention.
Last edited by elvencat; 06/16/1009:19 PM.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Yup.. you got it.. print that sucker and take it in...
I honestly don't know how these clowns can expect to treat someone without interacting with the people they are living with and educating them correctly...
Yesterday didn't give me any time to work on getting to H's IC because I had a job interview (YAY!) and I had to take our pet birds to the vet for beak trimmings (oh, joy).
Last night, however, H and I were talking about licensed rheumatologists in our area (he got referred yesterday, so maybe we can get closer to some answers on his pain issues). I brought up the licensure site for our state that shows anyone who has received any kind of license to work with the public and that he could look there to see the names of all licensed rheumis in the area.
H wanted to know how I knew about the site. I used it as an opportunity to explain to him I had been looking for a LICENSED marital and family therapist and that, guess what! there were only TWO in the whole county...
He actually didn't blow me off and asked why I thought the one I was interested in would be any good... I told him we'd spoken through email and I had done research on reviews of his work. The FT also has a website that is quite good at explaining his views on working with couples and marriages in crisis.
H asked me to send him the link in an email so he could read it on his own....
Now, I'm not being optimistic about this.. actually, I'm still rather pessimistic about him ever agreeing to go, but he'd never expressed interest in knowing any more information before beyond me saying I wanted to go.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
The thing is EC, people show interest in things they are wary of when they see a POSITIVE RESPONSE from others... they watch someone ELSE walk across the shaky bridge FIRST...
Having seen it can be traversed they THEN make the journey across, slowly with reservation.
You have to go on your OWN so he sees our example... way too many people want to go as a couple and I strongly discourage that :
a. Waiting for your spouse to want to go holds back progress b. There is a high risk of exposing your spouse to bad therapy on the first session
Go on your own to set an example and to interview the FT...
Your H doens't even know what FT IS right now.. he needs to learn THAT first... Print up a few articles on what family therapy IS...
My wife wanted us to go to FT years ago and I didn't want to go, I knew we had problems but I resisted. Unfortunately, she chose to not go because I didn't go... The affair may have been avoided had I been motivated to do the research etc...
Neither of us were doing that research, and we didn't have the funds to go either. But she was waiting for ME to WANT to go, so neither of us went.
Don't wait for him to want to go... Print up articles on marriage therapy for yourself, LEAVE them lying AROUND in YOUR WORK AREA.. I guarantee you he will read them... When you aren't there...
Bring Family Therapy to your HOME, don't wait for the mountain to come to Mohammed... (I think I got that right)
Don't try to educate him, print up what you want him to learn and leave it around so he can learn it at his own pace... In his own way...
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Do NOT do his homework for him though... You are doing research for this man's pain problems and he's CHEATING ON YOU... You are NOT HELPING your MARRIAGE by BABYING this guy... STOP THAT
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The probelms in your marriage aren't just the affair.. Your Husband needs to GROW UP.... YOU need to BACK OFF so he DOES his OWN WORK and CAN grow up...
IGNORE HIM and his PROBLEMS until he stops CHEATING... You are ENABLING HIM... The message you are sending right now is :
a. I cheat on her b. She does my homework for me
Is THIS the MESSAGE you want him to GET?
DETACH from him and his drama until he STOPS CHEATING
I see this so often, someone turns the marriage upside down with a painful affair, the LBS wants the spouse back so bad they start HELPING him as MUCH as they CAN...
This is called CO DEPENDENCY and its NOT HEALTHY for you two... BREAK it OFF NOW
Don't wait for him to want to go... Print up articles on marriage therapy for yourself, LEAVE them lying AROUND in YOUR WORK AREA.. I guarantee you he will read them... When you aren't there...
Bring Family Therapy to your HOME, don't wait for the mountain to come to Mohammed... (I think I got that right)
Don't try to educate him, print up what you want him to learn and leave it around so he can learn it at his own pace... In his own way...
Agree here. I think H finally realizes I am resolved to go whether he attends or not because of how much research I've told him I put into it, and I haven't made it yet because I've tried to beg and borrow the money for the first session, but my friends and relatives are in as bad or worse of a financial state as I am in and can't help (the ones who can have already helped me out a time or three and can't help anymore). My next step is to talk to the FT about possible deferment of payment. He doesn't have a sliding scale, though he does have reasonable rates for his services, and will take insurance if you have it. I just can't afford it.
I am busting butt trying to get a good job so I can, and so I can be financially self-sufficient again... I don't think I explained on this thread, but on newcomers I explained I don't have a job at the moment because I went to grad school this past winter and H and I worked out a way to live on my student loans and his disability because the job I had was so stressful I couldn't handle school, home and work. And then he dropped bomb2. I screwed up in school because I got so depressed about stuff and now I'm working with the school to figure out how to get back on track. H is paying most of the bills at the moment from his disability check and what we can't pay, his mom is helping with. It's a sad sitch, and I wish I'd found this site last fall... I may never have ended up in this financial spot.. but no use thinking what if. Gotta deal with the way things are now.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
The probelms in your marriage aren't just the affair.. Your Husband needs to GROW UP.... YOU need to BACK OFF so he DOES his OWN WORK and CAN grow up...
IGNORE HIM and his PROBLEMS until he stops CHEATING... You are ENABLING HIM... The message you are sending right now is :
a. I cheat on her b. She does my homework for me
Is THIS the MESSAGE you want him to GET?
DETACH from him and his drama until he STOPS CHEATING
I see this so often, someone turns the marriage upside down with a painful affair, the LBS wants the spouse back so bad they start HELPING him as MUCH as they CAN...
This is called CO DEPENDENCY and its NOT HEALTHY for you two... BREAK it OFF NOW
Yes, I agree I'm having problems with enabling. I've known that for a long time because of us going through hell with his schizophrenia so many years ago... and I was always there to take care of him instead of giving him a kick in the pants. I think when DD was born, and I quit giving him so much of my time and energy because I had to give it to her, is honestly when this all started in his head. I actually said that once during this past winter, and boy did he get P*SS*D when I said it. I think I hit a major nerve he didn't want to acknowledge.
OW is now the "unconditional enabler" and now I'm the one trying to jumpstart his own self-sufficiency.. (which in and of itself is an enabling behavior because he then doesn't see things for himself).. it's been hard for me to let go of enabling behavior when I know that is what he expects and it's what my habit has been for so many years.
But let me explain that I really haven't helped him with the research for his current pain issues. He's done plenty enough of that on his own. So has OW... before he came clean about her, he'd say OW found this out, OW knows this.. (she's a biology instructor and thinks she knows how to figure out anything, because she went to CalTech... for one year.. WOW *note sarcasm*).
Anyway, I brought out the licensure thing not as a way to help him, but as in a way to point out the therapy thing because I knew he'd ask how and why I found the site. He can do with the site what he will. I just wanted an opening to make the hit about the ONLY two Family Therapists licensed in the county.
Currently, I think my worst enabling behavior is, when H says "I can't do anything because I hurt too much," I jump in and try to give him ideas on things he CAN do. I've noticed all that does is
1. Annoy him (as in, I can figure things out myself why are you trying to tell me what to do) 2. Give him a little boost of "yeah, she is so into helping me and it doesn't matter what I do she'll always be there"
I'm trying to restrain myself from doing this.. but do you have an alternative approach rather than saying sorry and walking away? Which is what I've been doing, but it still leaves me feeling awkward.
I'm trying to catch myself in enabling behavior and stop it because I agree that it is NOT healthy. I'm just having a hard time seeing it when I do it because I've done it for so long.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
