Marriage seemed great until about 5 months ago. Recently I confronted her re decisions she was making without consulting with me and in the conversation I asked her was she unhappy with our marriage. She said yes and that she wanted out. No big reason just that we were more friends than husband and wife. We have one kid each from a previous marriage.
The day she told me she also stopped wearing her wedding ring. No other person involved as far as I know although there may be an EA ( not really sure ). We have been together 10 yrs.. Without pleading or begging I told her even though I can manage without her I would like to try and save the marriage and work out our issues. She commented things would have to change which I agreed but she would not tell me what she needs so I am not really too sure what to change other than the way we communicate. I am giving her space to figure things out and at the same time changing some behaviors I have which I know annoy her. She has told friends that there is no possibility of getting through this.
Since and before then things have been pleasant. We watch TV and laugh together. We sleep in the same bed spaced apart but usually end up closer but not touching in the morning. If I head up to bed earlier than normal she will go at the same time ( which I think is a good sign ) I think she is on the fence re leaving right now. She will always initiate a kiss before heading out but has given up a goodnight kiss. She has not started any actions towards leaving as far as I know. She asked about remaining best friends and I was quite upfront that I cannot do that and if she moves out or forces the sale of our home that I will just move on. That is the truth . I will try anything I can to save this but I really enjoy my life except for this bit and intend to keep doing so. I love her BUT do not need her.
The problem is I am walking on eggshells. She has said some inappropriate, demeaning stuff to my kid (13) which I cannot allow to go on, and need to call her on it which is probably not going to go down too well and I have no idea how to phrase it. But as a father it is my responsibility to address it. Also I cannot afford to let her think she can call all the shots here. If I do that I feel it will upset the balance of things. Up to now we have always had a very equal and respectful relationship.
Big Question
As she doesn’t wear her ring should I take mine off too. Does she see the fact that I leave mine on as a sign I am pleading with her to stay. It seems she is very mixed up right now and I would like to make sure I send her the right signals. Appreciate some advice on this, it seems small but also very symbolic ( at least for me ).
As she doesn’t wear her ring should I take mine off too. Does she see the fact that I leave mine on as a sign I am pleading with her to stay. It seems she is very mixed up right now and I would like to make sure I send her the right signals. Appreciate some advice on this, it seems small but also very symbolic ( at least for me ).
Keep it on for you, because it is a minute point for her right now.
You need to show her more actions the symbolism right now.
Gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
The problem is I am walking on eggshells. She has said some inappropriate, demeaning stuff to my kid (13) which I cannot allow to go on, and need to call her on it which is probably not going to go down too well and I have no idea how to phrase it. But as a father it is my responsibility to address it. Also I cannot afford to let her think she can call all the shots here. If I do that I feel it will upset the balance of things. Up to now we have always had a very equal and respectful relationship.
Big Question
As she doesn’t wear her ring should I take mine off too. Does she see the fact that I leave mine on as a sign I am pleading with her to stay. It seems she is very mixed up right now and I would like to make sure I send her the right signals. Appreciate some advice on this, it seems small but also very symbolic ( at least for me ).
When you talk to her about her demeaner to your kid, I'd be reasonable and respectful to her. Don't do what she did or said as she did to your kid. Be the better person.
As for the ring... My wife removed hers and gave it to me, as well as all the wedding stuff. I do wear mine, for myself, and for her and our marriage. It gives me a constant reminder what I am working for.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
There is an old thread with ring discussions. Do a search.
Here are my thoughts:
You have two choices.
Choice #1) Keep wearing the ring. This shows you are still pursuing her. This is what I did.
Choice #2) LISTEN to what she told you. Prepare a verbal "You are right" RESPONSE. Have us help draw it up and then VALIDATE her feelings by removing it and symbolize the OLD MARRIAGE is over. If/when you reconcile, you can both put your rings back on.
I would also like to suggest that you do some snooping and find out their is OP. Red flags all over your post.
Do a search on Puppy Dog Tails and read his posts.....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
...She has said some inappropriate, demeaning stuff to my kid (13) which I cannot allow to go on, and need to call her on it which is probably not going to go down too well and I have no idea how to phrase it...
Tell us what she said, and tell us what you would like to say. We can help word an appropriate response.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Had the discussion re my Kid which didnt go too bad. Later that day she brought him out shopping and bought new clothes for him so that seems resolved for now.
Regarding the ring I have decided to take it off. I think one of the previous posters was correct when they said it is pursuing.
I am now working on some 180's but not sure whether the ones i have come up with will make things worse or cause more animosity
As she works shifts, I am the primary caregiver for the kids as well as holding down a good job myself. Even when she is off i will normally prepare meals and delay going to work to get the kids to school so she can sleep in.
180's
When she is available ask her does she mind preparing meals
Leave for work early so she has to get up after working late
Let her take some responsibility for her own child and not assume I will always be there. Make my self unavailable sometimes
I also have some that are less sticky such as being tidier and more organized myself which always irritated her.
Dont really think there is anything going on for a couple of reasons.
She works shifts and is always home shortly after they end. I do think there is a bit of an EA going on with someone at work who is married. But his spouse keeps a sharp eye on him and prob snoops enough for all of us :-).Everyone in our friend circle and her personal friends has asked her including me and she has denied it.
Also it would be an easy way out for her as if there is someone else she is GONE for me and I will just file for D. I have no tolerance for this ( but accept and understand other opposing views on this ).
I have no interest in snooping even for information.
I read the list of DB hits everyday which includes no spying just to keep myself on track.
