Hey, so what do people think of my friends plan to use cue cards in his R talk tonight...just for the record, I said don't do it! He came in this morning happy and whistling (last night was supposed to be the R talk) so I said "You got out of having the R talk last night, didn't you" He said "sure did, that's why I'm so happy today" so at lunch he was in his office making up stupid cue cards: pile #1- if the talk is going well Pile #2- if the talk is not going well. Why do I even have friends?
Good points Geronimo. Writing out your thoughts is a good way of organizing and clarifying what you want to say. As far as not treating it as a debate, that is perfect for my friend because he tends to go in with a win-lose perspective, which is unhelpful. We'll see how it goes, they've got MC on the agenda for the short future. My advice was to go for MC and say "we need someone to help us to approach our issues in different ways" rather than looking for the MCer to side with one or the other. His W is looking for someone to beat some sense into his head, her sense of course. He finds it difficult to communicate with her because she starts R talks by telling him everything that's wrong with him, so he turns off or looks for ways to defend himself. Not a good formula for communication.
I'd call his W and tell her not to bother with the talk, he won't be listening.
Seriously, I'd suggest to him that he put his notecards away. Instead, he should put ALL his energy into listening to her and sharing with her what he hears her say. When they are both comfortable that she has clearly communicated and he has clearly understood what she wanted to communicate, then he should say: "Thanks for talking and being patient with me. I've heard you and have a lot to think about. I'll do my best to give a meaningful and throughtful, sincere response to the things we've talked about by this weekend." He should then follow-through. If he wants to bring up other topics, he should do so after that in a different talk.
I have come to the conclusion that all relationships need to set a time every few weeks or so to take a reading on things. That way things won't tend to build up and get way out of proportion and everyone hopefully can be calm. Eh, just an idea.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Excellent advice, OT. I will pass that on to him. We guys often fear the R talk because we feel we have to come up with a response right away. It is completely appropriate to say "I would like some time to think about what you've said so that I can come back with something constructive." I also understand his hesitancy in that no one wants to sit and be criticized as "the problem" continually, that is not constructive either. Anyway, it hurts me to see my friend go through this, often the issues and conversations he has with his wife are much the same as the ones I had with mine...and we know where that went! He does genuinely want to make things better but is just stuck and frustrated. Btw, he's not gonna use the cards, he told me he just wants to keep the points in his head...thank goodness! He mentioned something recent that she will bring up and I said "when she does you say 'you're right, it was wrong of me to say that and I apologize" So when you're wrong, you say you're wrong. Anyway, I hope it goes well, I'll hear either way!
I have come to the conclusion that all relationships need to set a time every few weeks or so to take a reading on things. That way things won't tend to build up and get way out of proportion and everyone hopefully can be calm. Eh, just an idea.
kat
Kat, I can remember suggesting that to my wife and she said it had to be spontaneous, not planned or it was too much like therapy. I too thought it made sense to designate a time to sit down and talk about whatever we'd like to talk about. I was overruled.
