WAW Using God II

[pigskin]

Well, got more info on the incident with the OM. OM's W actually had her son write down in the journal he keeps what he saw and what was said.

Apparently the woman was changing in the OM's room and the OM was out in the kitchen. She hid behind the door when the OM's son came out to see what was going on. The son questioned the OM and he was told that it was a friend and that it was like a playdate, only for adults. "Now go back in your room and don't come out again".

I was kind of hoping for more of a smoking gun; like the OM being in the same room when the woman was changing. Seems like this would be an easy story for the OM to spin. This happened a few months ago, so he's had plenty of time to craft a story. He may have even preempted any potential revelation by talking to my W about it.

I may still give her the info anyway, and tell her she can choose to ignore it, and that I expect her to. At least it will give her something to stew on.

Confirmed today that the OM and my W are on a 4 day trip together.

[TimeHeals]

You keeping records of all of this crap in case you wind up in court?

[pigskin]

You keeping records of all of this crap in case you wind up in court?

Yeah. W is dumb enough to charge everything on an American Express card that is a supplemental account to mine, so I can see all the details of the charges.

[25yearsmlc]

Oh pigskin,

Geez, I'm sorry you are hear but I'm glad you are at peace. As for OM's OW, why not inform your w that you don't want YOUR kids over at OM's place if there are going to be OW's there, so they are not exposed to any more OW's when they're there, "since ya know, OM dates OWs and all"....
why on earth would HIS son make it up and have HIS mother tell YOU???
No motive to lie and too detailed to be false...

As for L's, I'm glad you are shopping. Feel a "connection" to one and let that be a guide. I'm serious. Knowledge is power. Don't get all cheapskatish either, (think about what is really at stake, and whether you should start skimping NOW)

but make sure the L has actually gone to trial once in awhile, so you know they will IF needed. And since your W seems able to rationalize and compartmentalize, expect some interesting justifications on her end. (Or total surrender and a major flip out.)

(SIGH)

Pigskin, I feel for you. I really do. Someday a lucky woman will meet you and you WILL get past this my friend, you really will. You're right. There ARE women out there who just want a normal guy who treats them decently. (See Faithisbelieving's thread for a funny and interesting take on what's out there at our stage of life...)

((( j )))

[pigskin]

Oh pigskin,

Geez, I'm sorry you are hear but I'm glad you are at peace. As for OM's OW, why not inform your w that you don't want YOUR kids over at OM's place if there are going to be OW's there, so they are not exposed to any more OW's when they're there, "since ya know, OM dates OWs and all"....
why on earth would HIS son make it up and have HIS mother tell YOU???
No motive to lie and too detailed to be false...

As for L's, I'm glad you are shopping. Feel a "connection" to one and let that be a guide. I'm serious. Knowledge is power. Don't get all cheapskatish either, (think about what is really at stake, and whether you should start skimping NOW)

but make sure the L has actually gone to trial once in awhile, so you know they will IF needed. And since your W seems able to rationalize and compartmentalize, expect some interesting justifications on her end. (Or total surrender and a major flip out.)

(SIGH)

Pigskin, I feel for you. I really do. Someday a lucky woman will meet you and you WILL get past this my friend, you really will. You're right. There ARE women out there who just want a normal guy who treats them decently. (See Faithisbelieving's thread for a funny and interesting take on what's out there at our stage of life...)

((( j )))

Well, the OM IS nailed for at least having a woman at his apartment. He admitted it to his wife and explained it as the woman spilling something on her shirt and changing prior to going to her hotel room.

I've settled on a lawyer, guy has 30 years experience in family law, and a lawyer friend of mine had his dissolution done by him, so I feel I'm in good hands.

Journaling:

Got a message on the machine from my W saying "something has come up and I won't be home to take the kids, so I've asked my mom to pick them up". Keep in mind she had just told me she was going to visit a friend for four days returning Wednesday, never admitting she and the OM were flying off together to spend a long weekend.

Talked to MIL and she said my W told her OM's mother died (she had cancer, so not too much of a shock) and W is with OM and his family in his hometown. Interesting side note: OM's dad has been married 4 times, so I'm guessing if OM's mother knew about what OM was doing she would not have been too supportive.

MIL lives almost 2 hours away, and my sons have baseball games on Friday and Saturday. Obviously W didn't care that the boys would miss their games. I stewed over this, thinking the affair is now impacting something the kids really enjoy. I decided to have my MIL take my daughter and just have my sons stay with me. I have a lot of work to do that I was planning to get done later in the week when my W took the kids, but I'll have to manage through that.

Told MIL about the OM's son's story about the woman in his apartment, just so she would know what she is dealing with. I told her I wasn't sure what to do with the info. She suggested I do nothing for now.

I don't really want to use it to spite my W (OK, maybe a little) and I certainly don't expect it to bring her back - I wouldn't take her back under those conditions anyway. But I don't want her to become a basket case and unable to handle our children when this jerk ends up cheating again, on HER.

Anyway, the disrespect and offenses are just piling up from my W. In a way, it makes it easier to distance myself from her. The more I am repulsed and disgusted, the easier it is to put her behind me.

[25yearsmlc]

Pigskin,

I think you handled things you got tossed, pretty well. Just a thought and not an implication, but-- do you ever worry your d will feel a little slighted if the boys get more time with you? I mean, I guess- make it clear to her that it's about the boy's games and not time with her or alienation on your end like you "just don't get girls" b/c your w is wacky, if you can. I get the feeling your d might start feeling the shaft soon by your w, choosing OM over them, and you, so do all you can to make that little d feel like the valuable she is to you.

As for poor OM's loss, well with all due respect to his mom, it's interesting that he's following his own father's footsteps. Good grief. Zero self awareness.

(Of course my fil has been married 4 times but the first 3 left him and not for adultery. He was just a controlling damaged jerk, angry Vietnam vet, drank too much, etc The good news is that he finally hit rock bottom and started to evolve. Then he met a great woman, a widow who had been married 40 years to a "normal" guy and didn't play games or manipulate. He married her, #4, and is happier now than he's ever been. She loves him like...an "iron fist in a velvet glove" so there's no temper tantrums, no crazy drinking binges or she's out of there, and I can say that it's possible to change late in lfe, as HE HAS CHANGED after the age of 60 so--- go figure.)

Why isn't his first wife, the one who knows his family, there for them now? Won't it be weird for his family to deal with their loss AND have to meet his new "OW"? What a loser. You are right, your stbxw will fall hard when the other shoe drops. This OM likes the drama of it all, and he's supremely hypocritical. I wonder if "THIS A" is different for him now that he is such a good follower of Christ...wow, truth is stranger than fiction.

Hang in there.
j-

[idontunderstand]

I don't really want to use it to spite my W (OK, maybe a little) and I certainly don't expect it to bring her back - I wouldn't take her back under those conditions anyway. But I don't want her to become a basket case and unable to handle our children when this jerk ends up cheating again, on HER.

Honesty, courage and integrity all in two sentances.

[pigskin]

Pigskin,

I think you handled things you got tossed, pretty well. Just a thought and not an implication, but-- do you ever worry your d will feel a little slighted if the boys get more time with you? I mean, I guess- make it clear to her that it's about the boy's games and not time with her or alienation on your end like you "just don't get girls" b/c your w is wacky, if you can. I get the feeling your d might start feeling the shaft soon by your w, choosing OM over them, and you, so do all you can to make that little d feel like the valuable she is to you.

As for poor OM's loss, well with all due respect to his mom, it's interesting that he's following his own father's footsteps. Good grief. Zero self awareness.

(Of course my fil has been married 4 times but the first 3 left him and not for adultery. He was just a controlling damaged jerk, angry Vietnam vet, drank too much, etc The good news is that he finally hit rock bottom and started to evolve. Then he met a great woman, a widow who had been married 40 years to a "normal" guy and didn't play games or manipulate. He married her, #4, and is happier now than he's ever been. She loves him like...an "iron fist in a velvet glove" so there's no temper tantrums, no crazy drinking binges or she's out of there, and I can say that it's possible to change late in lfe, as HE HAS CHANGED after the age of 60 so--- go figure.)

Why isn't his first wife, the one who knows his family, there for them now? Won't it be weird for his family to deal with their loss AND have to meet his new "OW"? What a loser. You are right, your stbxw will fall hard when the other shoe drops. This OM likes the drama of it all, and he's supremely hypocritical. I wonder if "THIS A" is different for him now that he is such a good follower of Christ...wow, truth is stranger than fiction.

Hang in there.
j-

Thanks for the comments, 25. I have no worries about my daughter, she's actually fired up about going to grandma's, and my middle son is now going too, since he preferred grandma's to his game. My oldest had 2 games scheduled and he doesn't want to miss them, so he's staying with me.

The OM's W is flying in to attend the funeral, so the OM will have both his ladies there. Would like to be a fly on the wall.

W called today wondering why I was going out of my way with the kids arrangements and we got into a heated discussion. I'll post more later as I have to run.

[pigskin]

Check that: OM's wife is DRIVING 20 hours because he wouldn't let her spring for a plane ticket. Didn't care about her or his children attending the funeral. OM's W told me she was really close with her MIL for 20 years, and also said her MIL was disgusted by what OM was doing.

OM makes good money but spends it all and apparently is struggling with his apartment and mortgage payment. This is another thing that bothers me since W and I were solid 6 figure earners each for years, so OM stands to get a nice chunk if he marries my W when we divorce.

Anyway, continuing on about the phone call I had with my W. I basically told her I was not going to have her deplete marital assets on her affair and that I was noting the expense for her weekend plane ticket as well as the emergency ticket to attend OM's mom's funeral. She said the court won't allow that; I told her she has ZERO leverage, so she shouldn't try to nitpick or I will pick her apart.

She called obviously feeling guilty about me having to be inconvenienced by her attending this funeral. Downplayed sons missing baseball games and MIL driving 2 hours each way to pick kids up and bring them home. I told her I was meeting MIL halfway so she wouldn't be imposed upon. W said her mom loves getting the kids and wasn't being imposed upon. But when I offered to meet halfway, MIL jumped all over it.

Talked to MIL at the exchange point; she thinks her daughter isn't thinking and that the old daughter is gone. She thinks her daughter is nuts buying what was said about the woman OM's apartment. She also thinks OM is a sociopath. Good luck with that, wifey. Can't see your parents gleefully hosting OM for Thanksgiving anytime soon...

[25yearsmlc]

Honestly pigskin,

I want to say "good riddance' to her but that would not be dbing would it. I'm so ticked off at her utter lack of awareness and insight....OMG>

If I knew the OM's w and had the money to spare I'd send HER to the funeral along with the kids who's grandmother died, NOT his "new love".. WHY on earth is your w attending this sad private FAMILY occasion when she is NOT in the family yet and is part of why his REAL family is torn asunder? THIS is his chosen moment to introduce her to his family??? Can he be more tacky and self centered? OMG how can your w be blind to that, as a wife and as a mother?
Man they have crossed too many lines but THIS LINE IS LIKE A LINE TO HELL...hope mil haunts them awhile....so gross.

MLC stuff= I totally recognize the way that others who jump thru hoops are barely acknowledged by the MLCer but your w has had TIME to wake up to that, and YOU are somehow "over reacting or making a big deal" about the kids and their games? Oh really? Really? Well Your older son wants to go and keep his promise to teammates, so I guess they were important to him. But you probably did something wacky and over reacting, like ask him what HE wanted.

You remarked and mind read that these comments revolve around her feeling guilt but I would not assume she does, btw. She's SO DEEP into minimizing ANY impact on others b/c of her, b/c she's in "la la heaven land". I almost think the religous "conversion" is a compensatory reaction to cope with bold faced double adultery. The one I feel most sorry for are OM's kids and stbxw. You will be alright thru all this, and she won't be. Financially and otherwise, plus she's got kids to deal with and a psycho ex h soon.

But OM's wife was close to her mil, probably a defender of hers, and must be in pain. And as this woman sees the death of her mil, whom she knew for decades, only to see her own h repeat the behavior of his father that broke his mother's heart oh so long ago. His Bringing your w to that funeral is a slap in the face of his mother, and his stbxw, and his children, and for that alone, he's a jerk. Unforgivable, no excuse.


Just as I said to FIB awhile back, I cannot wait for you to be single and in a healthy r with a woman who "gets it". I am hereby resigning from the "support Pig's M" group, and am joining the "I just want YOU to be happy" group. Sure sure, if your wife snaps out of it all and makes it ALL up to you, we'll all praise God out loud. But til then, I think we can praise him for getting you thru this in one peaceful piece...amen

(( j ))