Marriage's need to be controlled, the alternative is a marriage OUT of control...
Ignore his controlling complaints, its classic for these circumstances
and again spouses often refuse to go to FT claiming they don't want to be told what to think... my WS when having an affair refused to go because she "[didn't] want to be brainwashed"
It's classic script EC, you need to stop the negotiating... I get the impression now you are going to try to talk your H into going to FT by asking questions...
Good luck, but I can tell you that his relationship with his FT is a completely diffrent one than the affair going on ...
What I am wondering is how an IC would even continue to SEE a patient who was having an affair... I would set my sites on ENDING THAT immeidately.. its only going to AGGRAVATE schizophrenia for goodness sakes... is this IC a co op student or something?
Good Lord.. that would be a HUGE RED LIGHT if i found my patient had schizophrenia and was having an affair...
I would be ALL OVER THAT
Actually - the controlling thing is something that I can understand. I didn't see it until I started thinking about it. It's how I speak to him that makes it seem as if I'm controlling. Yes, I know it's classic script, but in this instance I can see a grain of truth that I'm not communicating effectively with him and, in fact, appear to have told him what to do on several occasions (before the current sitch all went down) - NOT my intention at all, but it's what is said vs. how it's said. I can understand that's how he felt and I realize that my communication skills in this area need a LOT of work. Still doesn't excuse his actions, but this is something I need to work on for me regardless of his attitude.
As far as the IC - I agree. She is actually supposedly very good at working with issues not related to relationships, such as generalized anxiety, social anxiety, feelings of paranoia, etc. The PROBLEM is that I don't think she knows how to handle H when it comes to his relationship problems because she is trying to not backtrack on his trust in her. He admitted there have been several times he's shared things about our marriage with her that she tried to steer him into a direction he didn't like and disagreed with her. But that means if he's unwilling to listen, she just backs off and doesn't keep trying to help on that issue. But I haven't been able to do anything about that. I have no say in who he sees for therapy and have been unable to convince him that she isn't a marital therapist because he says she has training in that so that makes it all ok. ARGH.
Talking about IC and how she communicates with him really wasn't meant to be a negotiating tactic. I honestly wanted to know how it is she is in a position to "guide" him and he accepts that (usually) without resenting it. Now that I know his viewpoint, I'm going to observe his interactions with others (anything with me is suspect I know) and see if that holds true in his day to day activities.
And BELIEVE me, if I could figure out a way to get to the IC and talk to her without H knowing until after I'd done it, I would....
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
