In my experience, continuing to have minimal contact is one of the riskier strategies. Unfortunately it is the one that, intuitively, seems to make the most sense. So let‘s take it apart a little and see if I can help you understand why this strategy has the power to be destructive to the goal of saving your marriage.
Minimal contact that is conflicted and adversarial does nothing to heal the relationship; it only serves to drive a bigger wedge between you and your partner. I think we‘d all agree that‘s pretty obvious. What may no t be so obvious is that minimal adversarial contact has possibly a more adverse affect on the betrayed mate than the one having the affair. Remember the Great Race that I mentioned earlier ? Adversarial and conflicted contact is very likely to accelerate the betrayed partner‘s readiness to throw in the towel.
Minimal contact that is calm and courteous, then, seems like the best possible solution. Instinctively and intuitively it‘s what you‘ ll be driven by your own attachment chemistry to maintain. Don‘t be fooled. Minimal courteous contact can be deadly. A few thing s happen which, combined, create a dangerous biochemical time bomb.
First, you send a loud and clear message to your spouse that the affair really isn‘t all that devastating to you. After all, if yo u can inter act pleasantly, then you must be doing just fine. You must be accepting the inevitable break up of your marriage. Even if you have said something to the contrary, your actions are where the real message lies.
Second, you derail the attachment chemistry we want to trigger in your spouse. When a relationship is threatened (even a relationship we claim to no longer want) the instinctive reaction is to find it suddenly more attractive. But in order for this to happen there must be a perceived threat to the status quo. When you remain in contact and you give the appearance of being calm and at peace, there is no perceived threat to the relationship.
Think about this... long and hard... is the above the message you want to send when you continue to interact with your husabnd after all this games?
