I am sorry that you are cycling but it is normal that we go through this.
I think it is something that we may always experience to some degree.
Someday, you will find love. When you are not looking for it, it will just show up.
That love, may look like your W again, or it may look like a completly new person. Who ever that is, she will be a very lucky woman. Because you are coming to your understanding.
God has not forsaken you. You need to remember that. Everything that happens, is in His time. And, something that I think we all forget, just because WE have a vision of how we want something to look, does NOT mean that God has that same exact vision. He has one though. And it will be the right one. Of that I am certain.
That is the lesson of letting go, my friend. We release our need to control (because your detailed vision, IS an attempt at controlling the outcome) and we become very general in our desires (general but specific).
To want her to heal, is general and specific. To want her to heal and return to you, is control. See the difference?
When we release all of that... When we put our trust in God, that the outcome, will be the right one, in His eyes...
That is when changes begin to happen.
God is with you, bit by bit, piece by piece, day by day, you are releasing, you are trusting, you are growing and He is with you every step of the way.
I will catch you on the flip side my friend.
Last edited by cat04; 06/16/1011:54 AM.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
You are correct, it serves nobody well for that to happen.
Look Eric, all those things...they were real, and they still live inside of you. Those are YOUR memories from a life that has served you well so far.
This is a normal part of the process...grieving the loss of consortium.
You have to feel these things .....then take a step forward.
You mention yourself questioning why God would allow this to happen...
I will tell you this. From my perspective, what God truly cares about is us, us as a person. He gives us a conscious, and gives us guilt to police ourselves.
He gives us exactly the problems that we need , so that we can fix ourselves.
But I'm not sold on the fact that he cares too much or interferes with affairs of the heart. That is the free will that you speak of. What he DID give you, was all of those wonderful memories that you have inside of YOU.
You have fear right now that all of those memories are going to taken away from you with the loss of the relationship...
And looky there, your marriage is gone, and you still have them.
I understand what you are feeling and going through, the same as anyone that has posted to you...
You are not alone in this...
Our past does not define our future...
Nor should it ...
Let me ask you this my friend...
What are you doing for YOU....
And don't come back with this line about this and that with the kids either. I know the kind of Father you are...
IF YOU, don't start doing some things for Eric, you are losing yourself in that too.
How can you be anything for them if you aren't there for you ?
Life is about choices...
You choose to stand or you choose to lie down
You choose to rise or you choose to fall
You choose to live or you choose to die inside
You choose to take a step or you choose to become stuck
I sent you some links yesterday from a very good friend of mine, when he was around this stage ...
Hi Eric, Oh I feel for you. It is so difficult when the dip on the roller coaster ride comes around. I think it's important to strike a balance between allowing yourself to feel the grief and not wallowing in it. I clearly have no advice on how to do that but I do know that both feeling the loss and looking ahead are important. They each provide different remedies in the healing process and I think both are necessary. In general, you need to walk the tight rope and sometimes you fall - I guess the faith part is about believing there will be net when you do.
Great hugs to you!
A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
Eric, feelings are feelings and are never wrong. They're right in that you have to feel them and acknowledge them. You have some wise friends here, so listen to them... just know that feelings change from day to day and moment to moment.
I know the kind of caring man you are, just know that you have many that care about you also. Do for Eric now, he needs you.
Eric - what you are going through it a normal part of the grieving process. There is no way around it....you can only go through it. Your mind is dealing with this at it's own pace. It may feel like one step forward and two steps back right now, but it will turn in to two steps forward and one step back and eventually it will be full speed forward. I wish that we can speed this up, the pain seems unbearable at times. But remember...to feel pain is to be alive....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Thank you for attending my party…yep…my pity party. Sorry about that everyone. I had a bad night last night. I’ve now picked myself up and dusted myself off. Damn these emotions. Damn them.
I still love my wife and although I have accepted that our M is over; I really do still miss her. As I sit here typing up this post I realize one thing. The women that I fell madly in love with does not exist anymore. At least not towards me. The women that valued marriage, that had hope, that believe is working things out, that valued a family is gone. In her place is someone else. Someone else that is hurt…someone else that feels that it is now her time…someone else who stopped growing. Growing…yes growing…I on the other hand must NOT stop my growth. I must move forward. I must continue to extract myself from her life. I must move on. I must.
As hard as this is, as much as my soul and heart feels like it is being torn in pieces I must continue to work on letting her go. Letting her be. The more I think of how I felt last night. The more I thingk about her actions, the more I realize one other thing…..I deserve better than this. Who knows….she may feel the same way.
All, I am sorry I did not get a chance to respond sooner. I have a ton going on at work and I just did not get a minute today other than to respond to BH.
Grit -
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you were in your own way.
So true dude…so true…my inability to accept this is keeping me stuck. Although my “mind” has accepted it…my heart is taking a little longer. It will come…this I know. I know this because I choose it. I choose to let her go. I had to….not for me but for her. I cannot teach her…I cannot help her…she can only help herself. If and when she needs me…I will try to be here for her.
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That is why God gave you the biggest f@cking heart.
Thanks man…You know it’s tough when the guilt and the emotion take over. Those feelings of not being good enough…being told by my W “you never loved me”….it’s hard dude to accept that crap. I understand it is MLC script…I do. I also need to realize that this is how she feels right now and may feel for a very very long time. I know that I love and I love deeply. Maybe one day she will realize this. I also need to do a better job of understanding that her spew is her way of releasing her hurt.
Cat
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Someday, you will find love. When you are not looking for it, it will just show up.
Okay FTR if I ever hit the powerball I am investment in bio research to come up with a pill to stop the cycling….hell the more I think of it…I think a “counter MLC” might be better. LOL
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Who ever that is, she will be a very lucky woman. Because you are coming to your understanding.
I’m not trying to be cocky here…but yes she will be a very lucky women. Hell, she may even get flowers – (as you can tell I am in a much better mood – the cycle has stopped). LOL. Or she may get a taste of some of the E-man specialty….grilled rib eye and a wonderful onion thing I do on the grill. Hell if I really love her…she’ll get the Sant breakfast specialty of French Toast.
Mach My brother from another mother…hey did I just post that…
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You have to feel these things .....then take a step forward.
I think that is what I did. I felt it yesterday…I have been feeling it for a few weeks now. I am feeling it and I am moving forward. Part of my healing process is to post…post how I feel…get it out. Let go of the hurt.
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What are you doing for YOU....
You hit the nail on the head as usual. What am I doing for me…We’ll let me see how I can answer that…Right now, my first priority are the kids (and I know you did not want to hear that). Unfortunately, she is never really home much so I find myself doing almost everything with the kids, which does not leave much time for me. About the only thing that I do for me is read, post and shoot the shiznit on the phone. I was gonna go out tonight with some friends from work but the kids called that they were hungry, so I rushed home to cook. I made the plan tonight because Wed is her day off. I guess I should have known better…the last few Wednesday’s she is usually out. I am going to try and hang out on the 4th of July and have some fun. Okay…I’m ready for the 2x4 now.
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Life really is about you handle plan B....
Take a step Eric,
Yes and Yes Mach. I have taken a step…just a small one though…
Fud
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I think it's important to strike a balance between allowing yourself to feel the grief and not wallowing in it.
Yes I think I have. Yesterday was a day of grieving…today is a day to get up and move forward and not allow myself to wallow in it.
Thank you for you words of encouragement fud. By the way I did accept your alt invite…as I tell everyone…take a look at my little angels.
Jack
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Why is today any different than yesterday?
Why the low on the roller coaster?
Plain and simple…”interaction”… Every time I have interactions with W I end up feeling like crap. Okay not every time but most times. I did realize after our interaction (which was about the kids) that I allowed her to push the button. I allowed her actions to control my emotions. I still need to do some work here. The bottom line is that I still get fustrated by her coldness. I tried to discuss how we could improve our communication re the kids. I should have know better. It is not that she was nasty or anything like that…it is just she was non responsive. I tried to explain that we need to communicate what is going on so that we both have a unified front, as it relates to the kids. What I realized is that this is what I want. I need to realize that in her mind everything right now is what SHE wants. In short, I should have avoided the convo all together and kept doing what I am doing.
Jack – this [censored] is hard. The whole legal aspect of it suck. It fu*king sucks. We both are postering and the kids are in the middle. I try to keep them out of it. I really do. I’m trying to do the best that I can and I guess I expected a little help. Therein lies my problem. I expected something from her. I expected her to think a little more logically. I need to realize that right now she cannot. Right now she is not ready and may never be ready – right now it is about HER.
MH
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Do for Eric now, he needs you.
I’m trying MH. I am.
Mila –
Thank you. Sorry I have not made it to your post in a few days…I hope all is well with you.
All
As hard as this is…I really do continue to move forward. I know that everything that I am going thru is normal. I know that I will survive this. Time….will heal the wounds….the work that has begun will continue.
God Bless everyone
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
