Eric I do think people change when they are intentional about it. The only thing changing about my H is his ability to skate and shoot goals - because that's all he is focused on. Ah well of course it would be great if you were right. I think what we all have to remember is that each situation on here is so very different - even if it looks similar. That's one of the dangers of a book like DB it creates the illusion that these circumstances fit into neat boxes when they don't. I'm just guessing that when she was just seeing clients and not famous MWD would provide very different interventions for her clients though her underlying philosophy didn't change. We unfortunately don't get the benefit of that - unless of course you have an extra 10k just lying around. Unfortunately, that's not me.
A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
People change without intention all the time. Did you intend to become a woman whose anger got the best of her? I'm guessing not. You can't change someone, but you can set an example, influence people ... it's up to you.
Right now your H seems to be doing something he enjoys, for himself, and you seem very resentful of that. Why?
I don't think anyone said that all sitchs fit into nice neat boxes, but although they are all very different, we are not terminally unique either. If the underlying philosophy works then it's worth taking a look at. GAL. 180s. Do something different. Do more of what works and less of what doesn't.
He got to the end of his rope and now you are ready to do what you can to make the changes that you agree are worthy and necessary, for yourself. But now you want him to see that and be all 'ok, good, so let's move forward'. It doesn't work that way. He likely feels that he's been talking to you about this for years .. and he also feels like you can't change. Well we both know that's not true. You have taken major steps towards healing yourself, continue to focus on that and let your H figure himself out. Even if he's not MLC he's on a journey of sorts.
If you want a definite answer you can ask him and get one. It just won't likely be what you want to hear. Time is on your side ... use it as a gift ... use it to continue the good work you've started on yourself. Get real with you. REALLY real.
Start with a beginners mind. That's in there too, and it's a good tip.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Right now your H seems to be doing something he enjoys, for himself, and you seem very resentful of that. Why?
It's true - I'm annoyed. If he were doing the hockey/skating thing and other stuff that actually addressed our situation or his passivity I'd be ok but it's hard to sit back and watch him exert energy on something that's pretty frivolous relative to what's happening in our M.
Perhaps that's wrong but it's how I feel right now. That said - I certainly DO NOT express that resentment to him. I'm all excited about his hockey and ask him questions - but I'm not being genuine.
I agree with the rest of what you wrote. Just not sure how this will all play out. I'm just not prepared to live the rest of my life or until my kids get older with a roommate and from where I sit every day that goes by that we are no longer intimate - the more distant that possibility becomes.
I'm sure I sound completely unenlightened and perhaps I am. I do have a WAS but one who wants to continue to live with me. I'm sure if we didn't have young kids he'd just leave and at times I think that would be better. I hope it's ok to express my random thoughts - productive or not on here - I figure better than to my H.
A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
Of course you can express yourself here. What better place?
I'd be an absolute liar if I said I'd never had some of the same thoughts.
This is tough. The "fake it till you make it", had me feeling like a fraud for awhile. I managed to work my way through to what I was doing and more importantly why. You will to.
Ugh - in a funk - man I hate when I'm down. Just got a dose of reality splashed in my face last night about H basically still not loving me anymore or 'feeling the same about our marriage' - I know 'DUH!' - but it still hurts to hear it again. I wish I had some idea what to do. I've been thinking back on other difficult times in our M - none of which happened when we had kids. Twice we separated and that 'did the trick' - the third time we did not separate but a major health scare came up and that 'fixed' things. The way our lives are right now I just can't see what could possibly be the major impetus for things coming back together. Yes I realize this should not be my focus and yes I realize that it may never manifest. Maybe even the most dire steps that this path leads to - the big D - won't reverse the trend. He is convinced he no longer loves me and that's just the way it is - he says that he had 'hope that I would change for so long - but that hope is the death of marriage'. He told me last night that he's not spoken to anyone about our 'situation' - but that he might at some point do so or even see a therapist. I felt nothing by fear. I think most ICs are all about supporting divorce. Wish I had some plan or direction of how to proceed. I'm just curious how many of you have spouses that were willing to do MC?
A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
How did that does of reality come about? Did you start talking about your marriage and such?
Quote:
Twice we separated and that 'did the trick'
Trick : ) glad you put that in quotes.
Fud...when you guys got back together from those, had either of you actually improved your relatiosnhip or personal skills? Or just kindda sort of happy to be back and slid back into old bad habits?
We both went to an MC and he taughts us how to communicate better.
An IC...tends to figure out what you want and helps you move toward that goal...and remember the IC only hears ONE side of the story...the good ones KNOW that.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Twice we separated and that 'did the trick' - the third time we did not separate but a major health scare came up and that 'fixed' things. The way our lives are right now I just can't see what could possibly be the major impetus for things coming back together.
There is no trick to this.
Do you think this may be why you keep coming back around to not being together? Because neither of you has apparantly worked on what ever it is that is causing these feelings within you.
Honestly, if I were you, I would not want to attempt to reconcile right now, based on the track record, because you will come back to where you are now.
Lather, rinse, repeat. You know?
Great for shampooing, not so great for a marriage.
Originally Posted By: fudwoman
I felt nothing by fear. I think most ICs are all about supporting divorce. Wish I had some plan or direction of how to proceed.
Direction how to proceed...
Start by taking the focus off of the M, try to figure out exactly WHAT you are afraid of, work on yourself to make yourself a better person, to remove those fears, and find your center.
And step back while your H hopefully does the same thing.
Then, maybe see if things can be improved within the M. There is no other way really. You have seen that already.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I agree with Mach. My H and I went to MC on and off for several years. It was really just another way for my H to buy time and continue to avoid looking at himself and his issues. IC can be helpful however it is still no guarantee. My H eventually went to IC sporadically but never really got to the root of his real issues. He could even tell the C he loves me and wants the marriage but he could never bring himself to commit to it. Our marriage would have been better and stronger had my H been willing to do the work on himself.
I do think that going to MC did eventually help my H see that it was his issues that were keeping us apart and because of it ultimately got him to IC. In that sense it was good but it took a lot of time and money to get to that point without ever really solving the problem since my H has yet to deal with his issues.
How did that does of reality come about? Did you start talking about your marriage and such?
Quote:
Twice we separated and that 'did the trick'
Fud...when you guys got back together from those, had either of you actually improved your relatiosnhip or personal skills? Or just kindda sort of happy to be back and slid back into old bad habits?
Well good catch J3B - we did foray into M talk - bad I know - I think when we got back together we were in a better place but two things important things that are related have happened - 1) We didn't keep up with the changes we made 2) We had kids which I'm sorry to say really can bring out the worst in people especially when you have 3 in quick succession and there are some health complications. I'd like to think that if we truly made another try at it this time we could get it right. Unfortunately, h believes that we just have too much history. I think - what you believe will become your reality.
A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
