So it's been 3.5 years since my last post...and I'm still alive...and still sane...for the most part. It's been a rocky road to say the least but God has been good to me and Divorce Busting has been a huge blessing in itself!
It has been almost 4 years since our separation and 3 years since our divorce has been final and my ex-H has come back around when him and OW have broke up but has always gone back to OW. They recently broke up a month and a half ago and he is coming around again...though this time there is more communication and he is seeming to be putting his neck out...I am too! Our S is 4.5 and visitation is a constant battle as he does not care for going between houses. Now that me and ex-H are 28 and have experience a lot of stuff I'm hoping that we can possibly pull things together.
There is a lot of water under the bridge but I just feel so blessed in my life right now to have learned as much as I have about life itself. It surely hasn't been easy but I truely think different about life now.
Anybody with any input on trying to rekindle after 4 years would definitely be of help at this point. We met for coffee last Saturday, 5 days ago, then he showed up where we were hiking on Sunday and then asked me to go to breakfast this morning with him and S and I accepted. I have continued to invite him to different things as they arrise which generally he doesn't ever show up. I invited him to do something with me tomorrow night and he has plans but is actually asking about me. I'm trying not to stick my neck out too far but I feel this is the last time around this block and I wanna lay it all out there and let him know how I feel and that I'm truely intrested in giving it a shot. This is the most effort he's put into anything with our family in 4 years so here's to hoping
Wish me luck and please extend any advice or insight!
Thanks Sgfan! I agree!! I am attempting to do just that! That's what it's all about really...having a best friend that you love to be with, spend time, and live the rest of your life with. It's hard to try and have patience when you don't know where things are headed...it's kinda killin me...I just keep reminding myself it's only been a week and half since we had coffee and hung out a couple times.
Today was our son's last t-ball game, it got canceled because of rain, but there was a pizza party instead. We were both there, he bought my pizza, we visited with each other and other parents and it all seemed so natural. It just kills me...I just want it to be like it was, though I realize it's a process. Everyone has their opinion about everything, doubts and such, and who deserves what. After all we've been through I just don't care what other people think...and have come to the realization, like in the book, no one else is gonna live my life...only "I" am gonna live my life.
Even after everything...I still enjoy being in his company and visiting with him. Maybe once we are able to spend some more time hanging out and chatting I will have a better idea. So far, everything seems positive.
OW is in a committed relationship with another man at this point which is positive for our sitch. Ex-H doesn't seem freaked out by my invitations and isn't bringing up OW anymore so it's really promising. I just hope and pray we continue down this path...a path to being friends again and making new memories.
I invited ex-H to go to Disneyland for a week this summer and he said he's not quite ready for that yet and just wants a nice relaxing vacation so that is no biggy. I just truely feel like this is the last go of trying to make it work and I wanna throw it all out there. He hasn't said anything negative to anyone about the invite which felt really good...he doesn't seem to be looking at me as a freak...that's a bonus!
It's all positive, no negative, that I know of, so I think I just need to hold tight, be patient and keep doin what I'm doin
I think I would be inclined to treat him like any new guy you would date.
If he was a relative stranger, you would take it very slowly with a young son. Plus, you would have standards that you would not back down from.
Inviting him to Disney for a week is just WAY too much in my opinion. Any guy would have to be pretty "in" to get that much of your precious time. Remember to value YOU first!
I think you need to work on that--you have standards and values that he must COME UP TO. Make sure your life is very, very full of positive things that you won't DROP just to get him.
You already know what "works", since you got him once before. Relax. You can do that again. Make him work for it--did he work for it the first time?
So, we both had vacation last week and both originally had plans to be out of town...different directions...then we both ended up with no plans and in town. We shared our S and actually did several things together. We went to get him a dirt bike and pick out all of his stuff together, went dirt biking, went to breakfast and I gave them a ride home from getting exH's truck worked on and went to a Family Fun Center for the day on Saturday. I've been enjoying spending time with him and he tells me things that he would only tell someone he trusts....BUT is constantly texting on his cell phone and is very attentive to it...which I notice when I text he isn't so attentive to mine.
I'm struggling to know how to deal with all of it. I feel like he is seeing someone else and he told his mom today that he wants to be my friend and enjoys hanging out but has nothing romanticly for me...that he doesn't know what to say about that...and that he is getting himself out there...back on the market...looking for a relationship. Though, I'm pretty sure at this point he already has some in mind.
I feel like he doesn't want me because he knows I'm there. He invites me to do stuff and I accept...I invite him and he declines...I'm not understanding why he wants to hang out with me but only when he invites me...it's all just weird! I feel like he'll only get it all in perspective when I'm done and GONE for good! Why is that???
I'm not sure whether to just take it all for what it's worth with the family time or ditch the whole thing and move on with my life as i have been. I'm just not sure I should put up with him dating/sleeping around to find out that I'm actually not so bad! It's all very confusing as I am SO sure of what I have wanted...and am dumb founded that he is still SO unsure of what he wants in life. it's like he has talked himself into it not ever working but putting me as the backup plan!
I don't know if I should talk to him and be honest about how I feel or not????
I think he is giving you pretty clear signals he is not wanting anything more than a good parenting R with you.
You need to walk away and not pursue. No calling, no expectations, work on yourself, be a good mom, etc.
If you are hanging around and he isn't interested, who is going to be at fault here?
I think from what you posted it is pretty clear he has someone else. Mad testing is a huge indicator. Do you want to be someone's sloppy seconds? Have more integrity and move on. It will increase his respect, and possibly get him intrigued. But you must have SOMETHING on the ball to keep the intrigue--or he'll just see it's nothing and move on.
Right now it is only your S that keeps him around. This MAY work for you--because if you do this well, you can get him curious about you. But it does need to be built on real changes--they smell fake a mile away.
Lots of real, positive changes made FOR YOU. Don't invite him to anything--go dark (or dim with kids) on him until you have plenty of "new things" in your life.
I think you are totally correct! He, at this point, does not have anything romantically for me, because he has someone else in mind. My S told me last night that he went bowling with daddy, uncle and the girls...what girls I ask? He says one was with uncle and the other was just there...he couldn't remember their names.
I most definitely am going into hiding and actually texted to let him know last night that I feel like he is not focused on us and I am not interested in being the backup plan or play the sidelines while he looks around...and I'm off to be my mysterious self. It's hard to want to be with someone who doesn't want you when you have other people who actually want to be with you :-/ I've always thought my family is so much more important so I would hold tight to waiting...but he truely thinks I'll be here waiting for him forever...for him to sow his seeds and learn all his lessons. I love myself and my life...and I am ok continuing on without him. I just fear for him having to go the rest of his life living without us..it's like he doesn't want the last opportunity he has been given...it's not exciting enough for him.
Last night I texted "hey...i told myself this time that I wanted to be upfront and honest..I feel like you are not focused on us and persuing other relationships...that is fine but since i said i wouldn't date other people if you were coming around again i figure i owe you a conversation regarding the matter...i'm not interested in being a back up plan or play the sidelines while you look around...i have enjoyed our family time but i think it will be more confusing than good if it will be ending soon. Feel free to let me know your thoughts"
I got a text back saying "we'll have to talk"
:-/ I honestly don't really know what there is to talk about. I'm actually ready to get back on with moving on with my life that I was 2 months ago. I'm good!!
Honestly, he doesn't have too much to offer us. He loves to go out and party and drink all night and is more excited to hang out with his 19 year old pot smoking brother. He's a cop!
Last night was his night with our S but I got him back because our S was freaking out all day wanting me to pick him up. Our S is 4 and knows more than any of us are aware. He gets that he isn't top priority for daddy again right now...daddy's phone is It's sad for me to sit here and watch him do this AGAIN! But I STILL can't save him from himself!
You can't "make" anyone grow up, unfortunately. Even if they have a child and that child needs an adult in his life.
Here's the good news--you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. You have done this before. You can fill your life with good, positive things. This is fabulous--your S needs you to be this person, and to stop letting his dad suck you back into his drama.
Your S is going to suffer whenever you let it happen--just like dad can't let go of the phone? Mom can't let go of the dad, and give S the attention! That's all he knows--you getting sucked back is no different than his dad.
Be different--be the one that focuses. Learn, grow, find out why in the HECK you picked this person (ok, now forgive yourself.lol) but resolve to not be like him any longer.
Your S is a wonderful gift. He will be your little buddy. My son is now 14 and is fantastic! Focus on him and be the absolute BEST mother--he can grow up to be a wonderful man, but you have to focus and be a wonderful mom. Good luck!
I can't agree more! My life, since S was born, is 99.9% focused on him!! Every decision I make in life I consider my S and how it will affect him! He is a 100% mama's boy! I love it!!!
And you're right! That should continue to be my main focus and it shall be He is an AMAZING child and shocks me everyday with his knowledge and abilities and he is difinately my buddy!! He is a little guy with a whole lot a personality and NO fear! He's a kick in the pants! I know how amazing he is...I just gotta stop trying to figure out why his dad doesn't get it all! It's his deal...he's the one gonna miss out! Not I!!
I am there for everything humanly possible and look forward the day that I can possibly be a stay at home mom again! Whenever I'm not at work I'm with him and hate giving up any time at all!
I feel like I always have to be the strong stable one and it gets tiresome sometimes...but his dad can't be that way. He's moved 7 times since we separated 4 years ago :-/ I've been in the same place 3 years. I don't do drugs and go to bars...his favorites things to do are drink and go to bars!
The best part of me through this entire thing is my S has seen me be the same nice and courteous person regardless if his dad is with someone or not...so me being nice and hanging out at this point isn't a shocking change for my S! I am very proud of myself as I feel like in most every case I have had enough self confidence to take the high road and be the bigger person and have my outward self be completely even keel! It's been quite satisfying to see my self control grow to be so amazing YAY me!
I appreciate all of your feed back and encouragement. So that I can get another prospective and vent about my situation! It helps SO much
I love being a mommy and I've looked forward to it my entire life! I prayed when I was 4 for God to let me have a baby! Heck if someone is gonna ruin my mommyhood There's nothin better!
That's the spirit! Your precious boy will become a great guy some day. It goes by SO fast--please believe the people who say this--you will blink and he will be taller than you are! It's happened to me!!
But you must present a respectable picture always--he needs to see how to treat a woman some day. You can not be silly or stupid about his dad. He wasn't a great choice. It's done. Now you need to show your S that men wno behave this way get ZERO from you. If his dad grows up and becomes a MAN, well, it may be a possibility. But he isn't--I'm sorry, because you will miss having a man. But don't mistake this guy for one--he isn't there yet.
It's sad for me to sit here and watch him do this AGAIN! But I STILL can't save him from himself!