I validated my a$$ off when she started listing the things that I did wrong. "I'm sorry you feel that way, I agree I wasn't always fun to be around, you're right....." I said that I am willing, wanting to learn and not repeat my past mistakes, that I wasn't afraid of what the C would say to me and I know I am not perfect. She said she knew she made mistakes too. I have seen it suggested here that a sign of leading is going to C myself and working on myself even if she doesn't continue to go. I am doing that. I have an appt. next week. Right now, she refuses to go.
Quote:
Instead of moving forward, you asked about a L. Considering where you were a few months ago, do you really have that little patience for a change? If so, then the question is appropriate. If not, why ask for what you don't want. Do you want her to get a L and get the idea of a D more into her head?
Again, I have read where this is the thing to do if the WAS is content on living in limbo. I DO NOT want a D. I CANNOT continue living like this for much longer. She won't leave the house. I said we would let the lawyers tell us who would stay and who would go. Like I said, she backed off again.
Quote:
She wants you to stay because she LOVES YOU around! That is progress. You're doing some good stuff. Why not apologize for a bit of overreacting on your and her part, and try to get MC or an alternative going.
I'm sorry, I just don't see it that way. Maybe I'm in a little fog of my own.
Quote:
I know it seems like she's in an EA. If she is, it will come out in time. If she is wanting to work on the relationship, she is putting you first. Ask if you must, but if the answer isn't going to help you meet your goal, why ask?
Look for those 180s you haven't done to earn back her trust, and to have her earn your trust. She lied/is ashamed of something. It will come out in time.
I don't really see her working on it. I am done asking. I have caught her in so many lies, I don't know what to think anymore. I am always looking for 180's and trying things different and things that work. I know I haven't been DBing for very long, but the whole sitch has been going on for about eight months. How much more limbo should I stand for?
In reading some of Greek's posts, I realize that separation could be a good thing. The only time it seems like she backs off is when I make her think of how she would make it on her own. Let her go try and see, I'm fine with that. She won't leave.
Be a leader or be a doormat. I am doing the best that I can after letting myself be walked on for soo long. I'm sure I am still screwing up some. She doesn't like boundaries. Will she realize in time what I'm trying to do is for the best for our family and future M? IDK.
That is good that both of you did take responsibility for some of the problems in your M with you validating your own areas that you could have done better. Good job!
It is good that she backed off after you told her what would happen if your sitch did not change. My W was just waiting for the right time to D me. Make sure you know the reasons she is backing off. It is not always as you would think. Just keep an open mind on what she might be thinking about.
WAS do lie, and it is good you are aware when she is because it keeps you focused on what you need. Only you will know when you have had enough in LIMBO.
Everyone makes mistakes in situations such as yours. It is how you learn from them. Keep doing your best, and please don't wonder if she will realize you are doing this for the family. She does know even if she cannot admit it.
Take care yourself and your family like you have been!
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
I sometimes with that my sitch was going down hill faster. I wish she would leave and stop giving me a little bit of hope. I feel like I am doing a lot of the right things; standing up for myself and my kids, calling her out on her behaviour, etc. I just can't seem to turn the corner. Maybe that's where patience comes in.
Quote:
Make sure you know the reasons she is backing off. It is not always as you would think. Just keep an open mind on what she might be thinking about.
Believe me, I know it's not always as I might think. Mind reading never works. We both have to work at it if we're going to make it. She has to prove some things to me, also.
I am in a much better place now than I have been in months. However, it is still not such a good place.
Here's a short insight to how my W thinks nowdays-
She called me on the way to work saying the van had a flat tire. She meant to tell me yesterday but forgot. (Kind of hard to tell me something when she doesn't speak to me. :o)She asked me if I wanted her to take the wheel off and have it fixed. I asked if she needed the van the next couple of days, she said not she could take the truck if she needed to go somewhere. I said I would take the wheel off tonight and take it in to work and fix it myself. She said wouldn't it be cheaper to take it to such and such in town to fix it? I said we have had him fix tires before and he is going to charge you $25.00, I am going to do it for free. Unless you need the van, I will do it tomorrow. She said, I don't even know why I called, and hung up.
She asked me if I wanted her to take the wheel off and have it fixed.
Womenspeak - questions are statements, statements are questions.
Really listen, she wanted your support in her taking the tire to get fixed today. Instead you wanted to "fix" things, which is not what she wanted. See the result.
Quote:
She said, I don't even know why I called, and hung up.
Don't get mad, get smart.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I figured why pay to have it fixed when I can do it myself.
right that's what men do, you are not talking to a man.
One summer in college I worked as a tour guide in Chas. SC as a tour guide on horse drawn carriages. I had to learn to "talk" to the horses. The horse was stronger than me and talking liking a man wasn't going to work. Horses respond to composure, touch/pressure, and noise. Learn how to "speak" effectively to your wife.
Quote:
Any way to undo this latest screw up without sounding more controlling or fake to her?
Agree with her. Easiest way out of any argument.
"I have been thinking W. I agree that we need to get the tire fixed, how can I help you make that happen today?"
= Support + no fixing
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Any way to undo this latest screw up without sounding more controlling or fake to her?
Agree with her. Easiest way out of any argument.
"I have been thinking W. I agree that we need to get the tire fixed, how can I help you make that happen today?"
= Support + no fixing
IDU, I agree with Coach. I was thinking the same thing. Your W wanted your support or might have even wanted you to take care of getting it fixed at the shop in town. Point is she wanted something her way and you wanted to do it your way.
Contact her and say exactly what Coach suggests. If she brings up taking it to the shop again then just do it and be happy to do so.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
