She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[steady]

I'd take a good look at gucci's words tbart. Recently you moved apart from her and she chased you by initiating hugs and such. I have found the more you move away, the more they chase...or not. If they don't want you at all, they won't chase. If there's part of them that still does, they'll chase.

It's the mindset you have of waiting that's the problem. That's the frustrating part. If you decide in your mind that you're not going to 'wait' for her, then the time frame disappears. No more wondering, worrying, thinking.

If you weren't 'waiting' what would you be doing differently than you are now?

Take some time and think about it.

[Heartbrknga]

[quote]

You are making this more complicated than it is. When a woman WANTS to be with you they will do ANYTHING to be with you.. When they do NOT want to be with you they do what your WS is doing. It is the man who lets her go and moves on without her that wins the woman back. The nice guy who keeps hanging in there ends up without the woman and to top it off has wasted all that time to find out what I can tell you right now. She will not come back totally into you UNTIL you show her you don't want HER anymore and that you have moved on down the road. You will also at that time feel much better about yourself because you have taken the bull by the horns and made the decision FOR HER. You may bery well find her chasing you then...

How to do this without moving out or filing?

[tbart01]

Unfortunately we got a little heated with one another yesterday and in the end agreed to get a D.

I took the daughters out boating Sunday and my D15 hit hear head wakeboarding causing me to take her to the doctors Monday morning. I called her as soon as I knew we were going to the doctors. However, she came down on me for not letting her know that she fell initially.

Memorial day weekend she came down on me hard for me getting hurt while I was boating with the kids. When we had MC she brought it up, and the MC told her she seemed to be controlling. In light of her coming down on mw I chose not to tell her my D15 had fallen because it wasn't anything serious.

I wasn't trying to withhold anything from her, just trying to avoid conflict. Looking back on it I should have let her know and not worried about how she reacted. i have appologized for not letting her know that she had gotten hurt.

It was my weekend at the house with the girls. She text me and said she was at home with D15 and that she would pick up D4. She also said that there was no need for me to come by the house. I pick up my D4 from daycare everyday and take her home. On top of that all my stuff was still over there that I neede to pick up.

we also had a meeting scheduled to discuss how we were going to split the finances. i called and told her I was coming over. She asked me not to because we were both angry. If I didn't have clothes over there I wouldn't have gone over.

Anyway I went over to the house. She put down the budget spreadsheet and i told her lets finalize this. in her mind we were finalizing the divorce not the bill split, so the entire conversation turned to D. We pretty much agreed to D while she cried the entire time.

We talked again later that evening, and I really don't know where we stand. She said she doesn't know if it's her not putting her gaurd down to let mein or if tit's my resentment of her asking for a D that's holding us back. i believe it's a combination of the two.

I let her know that my desire was still to rebuild and that i 100% preferred to not get a D. However, if she could say with 100% certainty that she wants a D then I will go down that path with her.

I know we stil have time on our side, and i hope we don't let one incident like this take away what we've been working to improve. I will still continue to move forward with my life. part of me feels that the only way she'll ever come around is if we actually proceed with the D.

This entire process has too dang many ups and downs. No one ever said it would be easy, but D is absolutely not the answer.

[steady]

Hi tbart. I'm a little confused - did you guys agree on a D or is it still open? You kind of said both in your last post.

Maybe it's time for you to lay down the direction. I'm assuming you want to work on your marriage. How about this:

Tell her you are in it 100% to repair your marriage. You want both of you to commit to one year with divorce not being an option at all during that time. You need her to fully commit - this includes marriage counseling, individual counseling and whatever else might help you guys. Maybe a Retrouville retreat weekend. Google it if you never heard of it.

Also tell her she has two weeks to decide if she's onboard with this plan. If she isn't then you want to proceed with the D. If she won't commit, and jump in with both feet (it is a leap of faith) then what's the point of going through the motions of looking like you are working on the marriage.

Maybe some other people can chime in on this.

Again, it's only an idea. Nothing's etched in stone.

[tbart01]

last we spoke it was about getting a D and what steps we were going to take next to ensure this happened. She then said she needed time to process what exactly went down yesterday

I made it very clear to her last night that I was 1005 against getting a D, but if she was 100% for a D then that's the path we would go down.

we have each been doing IC and MC for the two months I've been back. we also see each other every day, but we seem to be stagnating. we have progressed since I've returned, but we're just not progressing.

we have an arangement to meet sometime later this week to discuss whethere or not we're truly throwing in the towel. Neither of us really want to D, but we all know how difficult it can be to rebuild.

[TimeHeals]

Neither of us really want to D, but we all know how difficult it can be to rebuild.

Honestly, I don't know that it is that hard to rebuild.

It's hard for people to change sometimes, and things like improving communication, doing the the right thing, and just letting yourself be happy in the context of two people, when neither or one is unwilling to change is next to impossible however.

Rebuilding would take time. Starting over takes time.

I say that from the perspective, I must admit, of somebody whose marriage is dead and soon to be officially pronounced dead, but the rebuiding I don't think is any harder than anything else.

[tbart01]

It's just as difficult to rebuild as it is to get a D according to my W. She sees tham both as just as draining and hard on everyone involved. I absolutely disagree with her rational.

Although it is difficult at times to rebuild a failing M, it can be very rewarding. D however is painfull to go through and has lasting effects on everyone involved. that has been my theory, but my W doesn't see it that way.

I myself have changed incredibly since the bomb was dropped. This change is what has made my W reconsider our D and come up with the idea for Mc and weekly date nights. her inability to drop her gaurd and let me in her circle is what's preventing us from moving forward.

We have definately progressed soince this first started, but we have not been progressing. What hasn't helped the situation is the conflict she's created with D15. we seem to have to deal with that too much, not allowing us to work on the relationship.

[steady]

Believe me, D sucks and it's a total drain on energy and money.

So far, in the past year and a half we've spent about $15,000 and god knows how many hours of time, emotional turmoil, colateral damage, extra hardship on the kids, and countless other 'costs'.

I sometimes imagine what we could have done with all those resources if we had actually aimed them at rebuilding our marriage. I did all I could. But what a waste of life.

You're wife has to take a leap of faith. She has to just let go and trust the process. If she doesn't show up to the field, you guys will never have a chance to rebuild.

My W never showed back up. She claims she tried - all I'll give her is she tried to try. But she never came back in.

[tbart01]

She just told me that she was out. She wanted to let me know that before I went to my C appointment tonight. She said it wasn't because of anything I've done in the past, but because of what I've done snce I've been home.

I have done nothing to warrant this since I've been home except for what happened the other day. If she's going to base it off of one incident, then she wasn't really in it to begin with.

It's really sad that this is the course she's decided to take, but she obviously won't know the true answer until she does it. i won't play this like a game, so if she want's to press forwardthen we'll do it for real.

We were supposed to get together to discuss whether or not we were going to proceed or try to fix things still. I guess I now have my answer.

Our next conversation will be about how we're going to divide our assets, and start the next step in the D process. It appears as though this M will not be DB, but is on the way out.

[gucci loafer]

You have GOT to stop telling her this isn't what you want.


That isn't working.