I'll try to keep my story short as possible and really hope to get some advice from the experienced members here. Any suggestions that could help would be greatly appreciated!
My Situation:
I've been with my wife for 8 years...only 1 married. She is 27 and I'm 28. Pretty much our whole relationship has seemed fantastic. We really didn't fight or argue very much, but when we did, I guess we weren't the best at coming to a solid resolution and would just kind of move on. We both have great relationships with each others family, share all the same friends, and have had a lot of fun together as we like to do many of the same things.
All seemed to be just fine until about 4 months ago when she began acting very distant from me. I thought she was just stressed out from her new job that was taking up more and more of her time so I really tried to do nice things for her, support her, and be there for her. After about three months of this and it not getting better, I asked her what was going on. She then told me she didn't feel like she did a less than a year ago when we got married...that she didn't know if she wanted to be married to me anymore, and that she loved me but was not "In Love" with me. Now my world was rocked. I told her I wanted to get counseling with her but she refused for about two weeks. I started going by myself, and she finally went one time by herself but nothing since.
Soon after, I checked some of her work emails and discovered that she had been having an emotional affair with a guy in Chicago for the last 3 months that she met through work...we live in Kansas. In her emails she was professing her undying love for him, that he was her soul mate, and that she wanted to be married to him and be with him for the rest of her life. After 3 months of internet chatting and talking on the phone?!?! Now my world was upside down. I confronted her about it and she just cried, apologized profusely and said she didn't know what she was doing or how she felt about anything anymore. I love my wife more than I've ever loved anything, and despite this horrible betrayal, I told her I still wanted to try and save our marriage. Since then she has moved out of our house into her own apartment to try and "find herself" and see if relief from all the emotional pain would help her think more clearly and show her what she really wants. Throughout this whole thing I've done my best to remain calm and caring towards her. I haven't even fought with her about any of this and even helped her and her parents move her out. She has promised me that she would stop communicating with the other guy and that she just wanted to be alone for a while...but I can only hope she keeps this promise. She did tell me that he called her the other day to just check on her, so that's at least a good sign that she's being open and honest even if she does make a mistake and talks to him.
She's been on her own for about 3 weeks now but still maintains that it is too late for us, and that she does not think it possible to regain her love for me. I'm so confused because there never seemed to be anything that bad about our relationship. Her biggest issues that she tells me are that I didn't take her out on enough dates, that I didn't go to bed with her enough (although I did tuck her in every single night and tell her I loved her), that I didn't consider her enough when making decisions or plans, and that she never felt like my wife...but just a friend. So she felt neglected in certain ways. I can admit my own mistakes and I wish I had been more mindful of her feelings...but I've done my best to apologize for any pain I've caused her...and I don't see these things as something that cannot be dealt with or that should destroy an 8 year relationship and marriage.
So now finally to my quest for advice. What should I do and how should I act during this separation? We still talk/text/email every couple days...but not really much to do about our relationship. Just stuff about sharing time with our puppy, her checking to see how I'm doing, etc. Should I try to talk with her more/less? Should I still tell her I love her? Should I try to discuss our relationship issues? Should I try to meet with her in person every week or two? I just don't know how to act and I even asked her what she wanted of me and she told me that she just didn't know.
I'm completely crushed by this and don't know how much space is healthy to give her. I don't want to smother her obviously, but I don't want it to seem like I'm neglecting her and create even more of a divide between us.
If you have any advice for me I would love to hear it. I'll do anything in my power to get our life back and make her happy!
Please help if you can and thank you!
M: 29, W: 28 Together 8 years, Married 1 (5/16/09) Bomb (LYBNILWY)4/22/10 Affair discovered 5/3/10, began Jan/Feb 2010 Separated 5/22/10 - Present Affair exposed 7/7/10 No children
This will be the most draining experience of your life with many ups and downs(emotionally).
I can relate to your sitch in that I too didn't take my W out and often slept on the couch, but you can't change the past.
Would you need to do is give her her space. Don't contact her everyday. If you already apologized and told her how you feel then she knows. Don't keep telling her the same thing. No more I love you's
Read up here and try to find a thread similiar to yours.
You say your W has moved out. Where is she staying?
From what you wrote I see positive signs for you. You need to work hard at this and keep your composure.
Ther's a saying around here about WAW:
Believe nothing they say and only half of what you see.
The WAW seem to have a script down with the ILYBINILWY.
Work on you right now and keep us updated with interactions.
Start reading Relationship books.
gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Mike you sound like a great husband - believe in yourself. She thinks there is something better out there...she will work out for her self that it was right beside her. Give her space ... don't chase but don't run. If she contacts you, talk like a friend/neighbour, nothing serious.
My H wants to come back after 3 yrs separation Do I want him back? Don't know. The point is ...... you never do know how things will really turn out. Everything that the WAW says in the heat of the crisis is just heat ... in time it dissipates and they see themselves and their situations more clearly. They do this in their own time.
hang in there
Me: 39, H: 37 Married 12 yrs EA 01/07, bomb 07/07. He moved out 09/07. Lived alone for some time, moved in with OW in 2009, moved out again Mar 2010 S:8 D:11
I'm sorry, but "I need space," in my opinion, almost ALWAYS means "I need space in which to conduct my affair, unencumbered." That being said, you still have to give it to her -- but you DON'T have to pay for it, and shouldn't.
Stop pursuing her -- no begging, no pleading, no ILYs. See if you can get her to agree to 100% no-contact, and full transparency, during your time apart, and go to a good family therapist with you. If she won't agree to the transparency, and accuses you of being "controlling," then tell her you will proceed under the assumption that she is having an affair, and will make moves to protect yourself accordingly. No yelling, no ranting and raving -- just businesslike.
Thanks so much for the responses everyone...I really appreciate them. I have been reading around on this forum for about 2-3 weeks already and have read the DB book. I'm just doing whatever I can to understand what's going on and how to deal with it.
My wife did go to the counselor by herself once...but it didn't seem like there was a large chance of her going back, although she didn't refuse to. She just said he didn't do much for her the first time or give her any advice. Well DUH...how's he going to listen to her whole story and fix much of anything in the first 50 minute session..LOL.
Well in her emails to the OM from about a month or so back...my wife was planning on divorcing me right away and moving to Chicago for him. Since then, she has not divorced me,and has moved out into her own apartment here in the same city as me, with a 6-month lease...Better than Chicago I guess! She is also paying for it herself...but I'm still stuck in the house with a lot more expenses and it's making it quite difficult on me, although she said she would pay half the mortgage for this month to help me until I could get a roommate to help out with the bills. We haven't fought or been mean to each other during all of this. I even helped her move out. She claims to be very sorry for the EA, says it was a mistake, and promised me that she would not pursue any relationship or communication with the OM for at least the next 6 months. She hasn't gotten mad at me at all about snooping through her email to find this stuff out, and does not get defensive when I want to talk about her affair, or tell her that she needs to stop all communication with him. She genuinely seems remorseful and willing to stop the affair for now...but at the same time it's very difficult for me to trust her now. She did tell me the other day that the OM had called her to see how she was doing, and said she was sorry for taking the call. At least it seams she is willing to be somewhat transparent and honest even if she makes another mistake.
I'm going to try hard to limit communication with her even more, stop pleading with her, stop telling her how much pain I'm going through, that I love her, and all that. Should I ignore any calls or emails though? I wouldn't feel real well about not responding to simple phone calls or emails as most lately have been about things other than our relationship (work, sharing time with our puppy, etc.)
Anyhow, thank you again everyone for your support and advice. It's going to be a very very long 6-months of up and down for me. I seem to change emotions about the whole situation every hour...BLAH!
Last edited by Mike.4545; 06/16/1006:51 PM.
M: 29, W: 28 Together 8 years, Married 1 (5/16/09) Bomb (LYBNILWY)4/22/10 Affair discovered 5/3/10, began Jan/Feb 2010 Separated 5/22/10 - Present Affair exposed 7/7/10 No children
Hang in there Bro. I am in a similar situation. Be Han Solo from now on
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
I'm sorry, but "I need space," in my opinion, almost ALWAYS means "I need space in which to conduct my affair, unencumbered." That being said, you still have to give it to her -- but you DON'T have to pay for it, and shouldn't.
Stop pursuing her -- no begging, no pleading, no ILYs. See if you can get her to agree to 100% no-contact, and full transparency, during your time apart, and go to a good family therapist with you. If she won't agree to the transparency, and accuses you of being "controlling," then tell her you will proceed under the assumption that she is having an affair, and will make moves to protect yourself accordingly. No yelling, no ranting and raving -- just businesslike.
Puppy
Yup, exactly this, no chasing, no pursuing, you limit your contact now too, don't contact her until she contacts you.
You're expected to pursue her, to feed her ego because she knows you love her so much and she's the one who isn't sure.
Turn it around.
Agree with her, "I agree with you and how you're feeling because now I'm not too sure how I feel about you anymore either, after this happened I'm reconsidering everything, I'm young and I have a lot of options and I see that now. You should be with the OM, I've decided that I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me, that would be settling and I deserve better, good luck with the OM, I hope it works out."
Don't be an a$$hole or a jerk about it, you need to realize pursuing her, being all sad, lonely, wussy like isn't going to win you any points, something killed the attraction between the two of you and this OM knew how to create attraction between her & him even if he isn't near her everyday.
Time for you to get out with friends and enjoy your single life. Let her go, I know it's hard to hear this but the sooner you let her go, the sooner she'll reconsider all of this and start considering that possibly she's made a big mistake when she see's that you've let go and moved on with your life.
I agree with the robx approach. And if she does come back around it will be after a long and sufficient time period for her to learn her own life lesson.
