The story of us

[karen43]

imo, he's trying to get you to get a job, so his alimony will be lower. If YOU want to get a job, then do so, but don't do it just to please your X or get him to work on your R. You deserve better and with time you'll see that. I was you a few years ago (married to a critical atty who saw me as worthless because I was a sahm), and I've learned life is so much better living surrounded by healthier, more supportive people.

You shouldn't try to do any of his required conditions including a job unless that's something you personally 100% want for you. imo I would move on and try to detach from him, and only consider reconciliation if he is willing to work on his issues.

[bel44]

what is at about attorneys?they are so hard to be with and so freaking charming at the beggining? what is a samh? do you think i should send the letter or just let it go and let my attorney deal with the divorce stuff?

[elvencat]

i am concerned that he stringing me along, but at the same i do want to see him, to date him. that was his suggestion, but only if i 'get a job'. the problem with that is kind of stirred up in my divorce, you see, my counselor think i have ptsd from abuse and if i work it will just prove that he owes me less alimony, it also would simply change the way our finances are split, to where i have to give him some of it. i want to work it out, but if i can't i want as much money as i can get, of course. i'm so screwed. i was thinking abou sayng nothing and ust letting my attorney send my counter offer. he is trying to put off the divorce until the statute fall soff for the abuse i think and i can't file a civil suite for personal damages. its all so screwed up.

Wow... PTSD, definitely... nearly anyone who is a victim of abuse suffers from this.. haven't had time to read everything, so don't really want to jump into that whole aspect of it until I do, but I think the abuse issue is really causing you a lot of problems in knowing what you really want. Have you talked to your counselor about what you want to do with your marriage and relationship with husband, or just about the abuse? Will try to finish reading tonight and post again soon.


SAHM = Stay At Home Mom

[Dudess]

i am concerned that he stringing me along, but at the same i do want to see him, to date him. that was his suggestion, but only if i 'get a job'. the problem with that is kind of stirred up in my divorce, you see, my counselor think i have ptsd from abuse and if i work it will just prove that he owes me less alimony, it also would simply change the way our finances are split, to where i have to give him some of it. i want to work it out, but if i can't i want as much money as i can get, of course. i'm so screwed. i was thinking abou sayng nothing and ust letting my attorney send my counter offer. he is trying to put off the divorce until the statute fall soff for the abuse i think and i can't file a civil suite for personal damages.

Yes. Say nothing and let your attorney send the counter-offer.

"Get a job and I might come back in 6 months" is an insult, and yes, he knows that would save him money so he is holding out the 'if you get a job' to see if you will jump through that hoop.

Stop trying to get him to work on the marriage.

If it helps you get your feelings out, go ahead and write letters that you DON'T SEND, at least not based on your emotions of the moment. There is no hurry.

Do you think your counselor is helping you?

[bel44]

i do think she helps but i can barely afford the co-pay. plus i owe her like 300 dollars because i missed a couple of appointments when i was so stressed out and he refuses to pay it. while he spends 400 a month on drums for his pagan drum circle gstherings, he bitches and moans about how poor he is. he spends 1000 a month to have his own place...
i guess i wont be getting a job. what an asswhipe.

[elvencat]

Ok, abqbelly. I've read your whole thread and I want you to think about something before I talk about anything to do with how to interact with your husband.

A victim of abuse sometimes becomes so used to a pattern of abuse that they unintentionally seek it out because they feel "something isn't right" when their lives are not involved in turmoil. Ignore all the drama about your husband, what he says, what he does and whether or not you want your marriage saved for for a moment...

1. Do you think you can have confidence in yourself in ANY area of your life?
2. Can you tell yourself (and believe it) that you do NOT need to seek anyone to make you happy, but that YOU can make YOURSELF happy?
3. Can you go 12 hours, 24 hours, 48 hours, longer, without seeking out ANYONE else to feel alive and connected and loved?

At this point, your marriage is incidental to what is really going on in your life. I don't think you'll have a chance to save anything (including your self-esteem) if you continue this path of pleading, hating, pleading..... You must get a handle on your own psychological issues before you can attempt any kind of reconciliation with your husband, if that is what you ultimately want to do.

I have to be very honest here. Your issues are more important than your marriage. You HAVE to deal with this before you can hope to have a good relationship with ANY significant other, let alone a man who has been your abuser.

If you still think you want reconcilation after you've dealt with the abuse issues, you need to learn how to do that when he's the abuser and you need to UNDERSTAND he won't change just because you did - he has to want to change.

It is NOT your fault you have been abused, but now it IS your responsibility to break the cycle.

[elvencat]

i do think she helps but i can barely afford the co-pay. plus i owe her like 300 dollars because i missed a couple of appointments when i was so stressed out and he refuses to pay it. while he spends 400 a month on drums for his pagan drum circle gstherings, he bitches and moans about how poor he is. he spends 1000 a month to have his own place...
i guess i wont be getting a job. what an asswhipe.

Hate to say this because you probably don't want to hear it, but I think you need to talk to your lawyer about taking him to the cleaners financially. He helped put you into this frame of mind, he needs to give you the financial security to have a chance to get really good help to get out of it.

[bel44]

elevcat, it's people like you who make this such a healing and helpful place. i appreciate your honesty and avise. I ACTUALLY DO want to hear it. I get this kind of advise from friends but its not the same. I don't know why I even want him back. I'm pretty sure hes a narcassist and doesn't even love me. I loved the hell out of him... but that's just not good enough. not enough. should i do NC and ask my atty to proceed and get 'er done as quick as possible? the limbo is killing me and I also have to make sure that that statute doesnt run out. I have a year, but I would hate for him to drag it out as long as he could to try to let that run out. my atty says we dont need to rush too much, but I just feel like if there is no hope, why wait? I'm not doing anything to help myself and school starts in a few months. it would probably be best for me if I was done with his before then....
Or should I wait? my friends are concerned that when i do NC and my atty gets aggressive, he will come around and try to schmoo me and get me strung out on him for a year. i love this man liek an addiction. maybe i am addicted to the abuse. it sounds so gross and pathetic but I have to be honest with myself. thank you so much for your help and taking the time to read my thread. I really, really appreciate it.

[elvencat]

should i do NC and ask my atty to proceed and get 'er done as quick as possible? the limbo is killing me and I also have to make sure that that statute doesnt run out.

Are you planning to bring suit for the abuse? If so, then you definitely need to get it done sooner rather than later, and also for your own piece of mind, the sooner this is completed, the quicker you can begin your true healing.

my atty says we dont need to rush too much, but I just feel like if there is no hope, why wait?

Is your atty suggesting to not rush so you don't miss something, or so you have time to think about whether or not you really want to do this?

I'm not doing anything to help myself and school starts in a few months. it would probably be best for me if I was done with his before then....
Or should I wait?

If you are unsure about divorce, then at least proceed with a formal separation agreement because obviously you and your husband are not in a place to reconcile in a healthy way right now. I think this is an example of how the abuse is making your decision making skills suspect right now.

my friends are concerned that when i do NC and my atty gets aggressive, he will come around and try to schmoo me and get me strung out on him for a year.

I believe from his past behavior, he will very likely try this as well. It's also possible that once he realizes how aggressive you're allowing your atty to be, he may get angry and attempt to control you that way as well. This is why you, as an abused person, need an extensive support system to help you realize that his alternating attacks and pursuits are a way to keep the control in his own hands and you can't allow his actions to dictate yours.

i love this man liek an addiction. maybe i am addicted to the abuse. it sounds so gross and pathetic but I have to be honest with myself.

After reading your story, I truly believe this was an unhealthy situation from the start, but that does not make you pathetic for not realizing it. Abuse is a very insidious thing that holds not only the abused, but also the abuser, in its grasp until something occurs to break the cycle. It's NOT something you can recover from quickly.

thank you so much for your help and taking the time to read my thread. I really, really appreciate it.

I am glad you feel I'm helping rather than attacking. I know from personal experience how the despair of abuse hits you and you feel you are responsible for it all. But someday, with help, you'll see how you were a victim and didn't ask for it. And, at the point you TRULY believe that, you'll finally start to heal.

[bel44]

Are you planning to bring suit for the abuse? If so, then you definitely need to get it done sooner rather than later, and also for your own piece of mind, the sooner this is completed, the quicker you can begin your true healing.

I dont know how to quote so I'm just going to copy and paste. I haven;t decided. it depends on how much he fights me. I hate being ugly and I hate the idea of doing it, but I'm going to be all on my own and he just doesnt seem to care at all. I may...

Is your atty suggesting to not rush so you don't miss something, or so you have time to think about whether or not you really want to do this?

He says there is no advantage to waiting or not really. He just wants me to be ready emotionally....

If you are unsure about divorce, then at least proceed with a formal separation agreement because obviously you and your husband are not in a place to reconcile in a healthy way right now. I think this is an example of how the abuse is making your decision making skills suspect right now.

We have a temporary domestic order in place. that ensures that I am taken care of during the divorce.

My question is am I totally cray for wanting to work things out on any level? Should I just kind of withdraw and realize that it's not worth saving? It kills me because I can't stop feeling like he would treat someone else better and that i was just a failure... I realize that's the abuse talking but I can't seem to get myself to snap out of it.