Completely Blindsided

[blind]

Hey Moon: Glad it looks good. I guess I've been too caught up in the moments of it all to look at it objectively.

I'm happy that she turned to me. I'm happy that she got in touch. Part of me wonders what would have happened if I hadn't been online - would my absence hurt more or help?

But yeah, it felt like she was baiting me a little to start R talk, but I figured that if I fell for it, even if we didn't argue (which we STILL never have), it would just let her remind herself "He's only nice because he wants you back"... too much of a reminder of what she's doing. I LIKE that she's feeling lost. I like that she's confused. At the very least, leving a marriage like this is a BIG decision and shouldn't be easy.

The idea of holidays would be lovely... but I need to keep reminding myself that she's already gone. It's nice that she's still there, but for all intents she's out the door. Coming back is a BIG hurdle and probably won't happen.

I'll start counting off the days, make sure I leave it a little while. Also gives her a chance to email... who knows what the hell is going on.

When she mentioned her cousin getting it on with a guy I wasn't sure if she was waiting for me to react badly - her cousin is about to move in with her fella.... so it would have been easy for me to make a "Bad cousin" comment... but instead I simply said something along the lines of "Oh dear. Silly girl."

Don't worry about sounding harsh. She has told me the things that she did to try and point out the problems as they built... but also admitted that they were all extremely subtle, and for the most part she didn't even allow herself to think badly of us, and it all just blew up. I don't know what the trigger was, but I am doing everything I can to address the problems.

With the one night whatever it was... I don't know the truth to it. I don't knwo what happened, and I sincerely doubt I ever will I don't need to. I've said that to her in the past, it was a sign of what was wrong... if it even happened. and yeah, I need to not think about any other possible partners until it's confirmed... it's hard to reign your mind in some times though. I'm learning how to do that.

And wow... detaching while holding on? Yikes. I'll just focus on detaching and having the ocassional chat... see where that gets me.

I'm really happy it's cheered you up hearing about the call. I would love to make it through, but I have to be realistic, and one conversation doesn't make a solved problem.

I hope you make it, if you want to make it. It sounds like there are some big problems with him and the person he is... if you still love him and think it can work, then I really hope it does.