Completely Blindsided

[blind]

Ok... so I logged in this morning to an email from her... she said: "i feel sad and lonely today, not that i have any justification in telling you this, and i thought about phoning you for a chat but then i thought i didn't have any justification doing that either."

There was some other chatty bits too. She was still online when I logged in, so I sent her a pm saying "Don't ever be afraid to send me stuff"... and she replied in a chatty way, and we just started talking.

She kept it focused on me, and I kept it upbeat. I talked a lot about dancing, but tried to keep it vauge. A lot of times she had to ask me who people were that I mentioned.

...then she called. We talked for abotu 20 mins. It was again, upbeat. I made light jokes... LOTS of light jokes. She mentioned going out to a club with her cousin, and a guy she'd known from ages ago was there as the Marketing manager. Her cousin ended up making out with this guy's friend... and my W put her number down on the 'marketing sheet', and the guy has been calling her non-stop. She's told him to get lost.

I'm trying not to second guess that too much, but my mind is going to places like "she's done it again and feeling guilty"...

But if I take it all at face value, she's getting lonely, reaching out to me, telling me about how she's repelling other guy's advances...

I don't know what to think.

The point I'm left at now is - do I reply to her email? We talked around it, so it's not like there's anything left to say... but then it's "My turn", and if I don't reply to this, she has nothing to reply to, and the conversation dies again.

... so do I leave it or reply?

I'm thinking leave it - cause if I hadn't been there this morning she would have spent a night being lonely and missing what we had... so maybe that's the answer?

I don't know.

I don't want to let myself feel hope.

[TimeHeals]

She's telling you she gave her number to some guy who is pursuing her.

Who knows why she is doing that? She knows your number.

[fullmoon]

Wow B. Excellent, excellent, excellent!!!!!!

I think this is where my DB coach was hoping I will be... you are having a HUGE positive result you need to note it down!!

Positive chit chat + let her come around in her time = positive response

I guess you can't be too accommodating for her but just keep communicating as if she's a good mate of yours... no R talk!
I mean you might never have to have R talk if one day you decide to see each other (can be a holiday or whatever) and things roll from there. Stay clear off it until you are sure... it can do more damage than good. Who needs to talk if its shown in action.

Yeah I'd leave it for a few days at least and send her an email with a positive& vague update, like one you'd send to your mate.
Keep the positive chit chat going.

It's important to keep detaching meanwhile so that you won't become clingy... keep reminding yourself either way it'll be ok. Don't respond to her talking about some guy unless she's telling you it's EA or PA, she's testing to see how you'd react.


Re: not seeing this whole thing coming
I don't want to be harsh here B, but when things don't feel right most of my GFs try to let their partners know, and it's not so 'all of a sudden one day'. In fact, I don't know any who don't... they try and try, and when it gets too much something will trigger them to just give up one day. This trigger can be something really minor.
It's similar stories when you read about WAW.
So I'm guessing, that she was trying to let you know but it didn't reach you? Some books say that it's down to the difference between how men and women communicate.


Re: her infidelity
When I read your S for the first time, my thought was 'you don't know if she's really had... it sounds like she's just saying to part from you'.
Look, you don't know for sure. If it is it looks like one night stand but we can't assume esp when you're so far, it won't do you good.
Unless she's in a R with someone, it's not time yet to deal with this. Focus on positive chit chat for now, detach to rid of the fear of losing... I know, I know, it's really difficult to detach while keeping your hopes up, but don't complicate it for now!


You made my day with your post... I hope one of us make it at least. :-)

[blind]

Hey Moon: Glad it looks good. I guess I've been too caught up in the moments of it all to look at it objectively.

I'm happy that she turned to me. I'm happy that she got in touch. Part of me wonders what would have happened if I hadn't been online - would my absence hurt more or help?

But yeah, it felt like she was baiting me a little to start R talk, but I figured that if I fell for it, even if we didn't argue (which we STILL never have), it would just let her remind herself "He's only nice because he wants you back"... too much of a reminder of what she's doing. I LIKE that she's feeling lost. I like that she's confused. At the very least, leving a marriage like this is a BIG decision and shouldn't be easy.

The idea of holidays would be lovely... but I need to keep reminding myself that she's already gone. It's nice that she's still there, but for all intents she's out the door. Coming back is a BIG hurdle and probably won't happen.

I'll start counting off the days, make sure I leave it a little while. Also gives her a chance to email... who knows what the hell is going on.

When she mentioned her cousin getting it on with a guy I wasn't sure if she was waiting for me to react badly - her cousin is about to move in with her fella.... so it would have been easy for me to make a "Bad cousin" comment... but instead I simply said something along the lines of "Oh dear. Silly girl."

Don't worry about sounding harsh. She has told me the things that she did to try and point out the problems as they built... but also admitted that they were all extremely subtle, and for the most part she didn't even allow herself to think badly of us, and it all just blew up. I don't know what the trigger was, but I am doing everything I can to address the problems.

With the one night whatever it was... I don't know the truth to it. I don't knwo what happened, and I sincerely doubt I ever will I don't need to. I've said that to her in the past, it was a sign of what was wrong... if it even happened. and yeah, I need to not think about any other possible partners until it's confirmed... it's hard to reign your mind in some times though. I'm learning how to do that.

And wow... detaching while holding on? Yikes. I'll just focus on detaching and having the ocassional chat... see where that gets me.

I'm really happy it's cheered you up hearing about the call. I would love to make it through, but I have to be realistic, and one conversation doesn't make a solved problem.

I hope you make it, if you want to make it. It sounds like there are some big problems with him and the person he is... if you still love him and think it can work, then I really hope it does.

[blind]

She's telling you she gave her number to some guy who is pursuing her.

Who knows why she is doing that? She knows your number.

This is very true. She said it was an accident (he's taken it off the marketing form), but it does seem odd.

But at least she called me, right? She felt weak and called?

[fullmoon]

detaching while holding on? Yikes. I'll just focus on detaching and having the ocassional chat... see where that gets me.

Hehe yeah better to detach completely

It sounds like there are some big problems with him and the person he is... if you still love him and think it can work, then I really hope it does.

I must say, he is a really nice guy to everyone else. But the huge problem is that he expects way too much from a partner and M, and he doesn't have much experience in R.
He thinks you get happy M out of sheer luck with no work... so he's disappointed that I wasn't a princess charming in some diamond armor! Haha!

My DB coach told me the whole point of doing this is to learn about R, to learn what will prompt which behaviour. It's like training a puppy she said, reward them with success (positive communication) ignore negatives. When you are armed with this skill you'll be ok in future R... whether that's going to be your S or someone else.

Take it one at a time (positive chit chat for now) and worry about everything else as it comes.
Otherwise it's too much.
And congratulate yourself with the baby steps.
So! I give you A+ for this class hehe who am I to say

P.S what triggered the stitch was the overseas move isn't it?
Moving so far is really stressful.

[blind]

Yeah, doing what I can to detach... but man is it ever easier said than done.

The way you paint your H he sounds like a nice guy that needs to grow up. Helping him to grow up from that kind of a distance is going to be a hard order though. It feels strange to use your current relationship as a training ground. It makes sense, but it feels weird.

Thanks for the A+.... Its weird, but I have trouble rewarding myself/thanking myself for any part of this.


And yeah, I guess you're right... the move probably was the breaking straw.

[fullmoon]

As much as I hated dark UK winter and thought I'll never miss it there, I'm thrown back to the memories... after watching the 80yr old Scottish lady on Britain's got talent (Youtube).
Brought it all back and I'm feeling a bit down again :-(

Maybe it's the grass is greener thing...

[TimeHeals]

But at least she called me, right? She felt weak and called?

Well, I don't know why she called, and neither do you. Was she feeling weak? Maybe. But what did she say? She said some other guy was pursuing her.

Why tell you that? Does she want you to be jealous, want you to move on, does she even know what she wants? Is she just confused? Does she just want to make sure you are still waiting? Does she want to know if you have moved on and are seeing people yourself?

I don't know. Neither do you. If she were pursuing you, we would both know that. She's not right now.

You can drive yourself nuts trying to figure this out, or you can make living your own good life your focus and be a better man. Which will it be?

[blind]

I don't know. Neither do you. If she were pursuing you, we would both know that. She's not right now.

You can drive yourself nuts trying to figure this out, or you can make living your own good life your focus and be a better man. Which will it be?

You know what? You're completely right. I could, and usually do, drive myself nuts trying to figure things out.

And if she had completely turned around I would know.

But it's nice to know there was something there, some kind of wavering.

That said, I'm still out for living like she's not there. More dancing, more meeting up with mates, just getting up and out and trying to find the new me out here.