My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

kind of a rough time today; things tend to cycle back through, don't they? D14's been at her dad's the past couple of nights, and her schedule is busy this week...running her around like crazy! and that's a good thing. but I'm lonely--just one of those times. I had a bit of a revelation: no matter how much postive movement forward we make in terms of being comfortable in our own skin, liking ourselves, growing thru the pain, and putting x's behind us in a good way, there's still a sting about being "discarded." and as little respect as I have for xH and as much as I've set myself on a healthier path than I could have been on with him...I was still thrown away with absolutely no regard by the man I loved, sacrificed for, had a child with, promised my life to. none of that was quite good enough. and there's still a part of me that wonders if I'll ever be good enough to be loved, and to be allowed to love back fully with all my heart.

what set this off? I had a class on our new phones (always something new) in a classroom right outside the door of the NICU where wiccawoman OW (now discarded herself...how ironic) works. and I walked thru the door of that hallway and felt a palpable discomfort; cold chills and the hair on the back of my neck standing up. not because I was anxious about running into her or something (we work in the same hospital)--but it was like an evil, unsettling presence there, and it occurred to me that in this hallway is where my life changed, where xH made decisions that destroyed our family, where conversations happened that ended my marriage. it was a little more real than I was comfortable with, and left me with an icky feeling.

g-man, looks like I'm gonna have to have a warm and fuzzy chat with the little one tonite and reassure her that a) that's over and done with, and b) I won't even have to go in that hallway again in the foreseeable future!