Thanks JTB for throwing your two cents in. BH I have read much of your posts and I truly appreciate your insight. I understand your point, and the caveat I made was specifically that people have got to change and grow. That's the whole part about becoming fulfilled and complete that we all need to get.
However, and I say this with all love, your statistics stink. I'm not saying they're not accurate. I'm saying that even I, an eternal optimist, felt a moment of heart fluttering when I read those stats. For a split second, I thought of giving up... not cool. I'm not saying that we should not be realistic, but rather that we should not influence others negatively if we can help it. Pull the wool over our eyes? Maybe, but when we LOS (I decided I don't like LBS - I'm using Left Out Spouses instead) - are so fragile, we don't need to hear that we have only a 1% chance of success. Let's face it, 1% is a heck of a lot better than 0%.
In those numbers you quoted, several things are left out - because we don't have this info. How many of those people just dropped off the boards, how many dropped out of standing before the potential positive outcome came about? How many became bitter, didn't move on, didn't learn and grow? How many were just too interested in teaching their MLCer lessons or getting back at them rather than forgiving from the heart and building a new life together?
I admit, I have only been reading about MLC for two and a half months, I'm no expert. In that time, I've not even finished one book. I'm reading four books at a time, and am almost done with them all. I've highlighted, gone to other sources, cross referenced, and gone to the boards with questions and I'm still learning. However, one undercurrent I have found everywhere is this: (warning, this is my own opinion) - I believe that given the perfect inputs the majority of MLCers will return to the marriage.
Those inputs are: 1. The MLCer coming to terms with what they did and who they are (the biggest variable) - one who "makes it through the tunnel." 2. A LOS who is forgiving, caring, loving and kind and willing to listen to their spouse with love and not throw anything back at them for punishment 3. A LOS who goes through their own transition and truly grows and becomes a complete person. 4. A willingness to go together into piecing knowing it will be harder than they will imagine and an agreement not to run (as MLCers have already shown a propensity to run) 5. TIME
