I am back...and finding me

[lost1234]

couldnt agree more PEI!

I am still standing, my family is what is important to me...

I too have not excused behavior, but I still defend h...if it were his heart, I would not walk away!

[MHL]

So questionb for this wonderful people on the boards. Is this normal? Is it normal to defend someone who right now feelsis trying to D me.
Eric

Hey DaddyO,
Great Question, not sure....but I did and do the very same thing to this day.

Last summer right after the bomb, I told my MIL in a fit of anger that my W had an A, and I had to physically step inbetween my W and my MIL. I thought my MIL was going to smack her daughter, probably would have if I hadn't stepped in and started defending my W.

Also, as recently as Sunday at church, I was trying to explain to a close friend what my W was going through, yes I was defending her.

So I guess it is natural or normal to want to care for and defend your W, whom you still love.

Hang in there Eric.

[Lostforwords]

Eric,

This is a very weird line to walk, but it shows how emotional mature you have become. We don't have to like the choices our spouses have made/make, but at the same time we are respecting those choices. It is symbolic in that you have given your wife control of her choices and have taken control of yours...in other words derived independence from each others choices. I feel this is the reason why couples who get back together find their relationships greatly improved.....They have learned that choices are made and respected as a "team" as opposed to a "we". Were as "we" is a singular unit and a "team" is multiple individuals working together towards a common cause. Difference is slight, but it is there.

The bigger bonus is that the hatred you see in so many divorces 10-15 years down the road is gone. You have made the choice to see her choices without you in the picture and live with those choices positively. You have realized that you are not the cause of the choice she made....the cause is in herself.

As much as it doesn't feel like it....very little is actually done to intentionally hurt the LBS. What you have successfully done is realize that point.

[Marked&Healed]

Eric, I'm reading along and praying for you. I just wanted to chime in.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hey Brother,

Now your advice has the benefit and weight of experience behind it. : )

Is it fukced up? Oh wait you said normal...
To a bitter person no it is not normal. To a selfish person it is not normal.

But to an empathic person? Someone who is trying hard to love unconditionally? And...it is HARD to do, since we do not have wings nor play harps, just monkeys with opposable thumbs higher thinking and barely out of the "My bannana!" stage of evolution.

It is not normal either. : )

But it is a good thing to be.

[beingreal]

The irony is that every woman wants to be loved the way you love your wife and she just doesn't see it now.

Hey Eric-o... ^^^ THIS ^^^


I've said it before, I really think one day she *will* see how much you loved her & what kind of man you've become. She may never let on that she has realized it..but I think she will. By that time you may have moved onto a woman who deserves that love & returns it tenfold.

If your W is very lucky, that woman might be her.



I've found myself defending H as well. From the very beginning. Even now I've had a few people make comments about his losing everything in the fire. "Awww, poor baby."

Seriously? This is fodder for some people? This is devastating to watch anyone go through this--it's someone I love & really am concerned about. How could I even remotely be happy about this?

Now if someone says something disparaging about H, I usually just remind them that we were very happy for six years. It doesn't matter what happens now, you can't negate that.

So no, I don't think it's abnormal. I think it's perfectly acceptable. She is still a part of you, words meant for her still sting you.

That's what happens when you give your heart to someone else.



Hang in there guy. I'll be thinking of you.

(((hugs)))

[dl443322]

Sweetie, do you believe that your wife is in MLC? If you really do, then, what you are saying is true. She is in crisis. I don't believe they get a free pass because of it.

And you certainly don't have to be her lawyer and defend her at every turn. But she is someone you have loved. Someone you still love.

But, if you really want to grow, and if you really want to take this journey, then, letting go with love is the way to do it.

To hold onto any anger towards your wife, impedes you moving forward. It keeps you stuck, it takes energy away from you.

So, my friend, I can tell you that when you open your heart, you will feel peace.

[ericmsant2]

B –

I wish I can tell you that the hurt goes completely away. I can't. There are days when it can still take my breath away.

I wish you could too…B…I really wish you could. I hurt today…..I feel the slow rip in my heart…the slow end of what was at times a great M. Was everything always hunky dory? No. Was it all bad? NO. We both had our issues. We both made sooooo many damn mistakes. My W, the women I married was a doll. A true sweetheart. She is very different these days. Very different. Yet I think understand what she may be going thru. I understand that we both needed this. This walk…this journey as we call it. She is on her path and I on mine. They are different in some ways and the same in others.

She claims that she wants to be “strong like you Eric”. What she cannot see is that she is strong – she is. She is so hurt. I can see it. So damn hurt. Hurt by my actions and hurt by hers actions. Hurt by what she perceives is the cards that life dealt her. I feel the same way. We both must be questioning God. I know I am. Is there a future for both of us? Yes – will we be together again? Who knows. What I do know is that WE ARE BOTH entitled to our happiness. I know this yet I still hurt. I hurt because I am slowly letting her go. We often talk about keeping the door open for them…about making them feel safe. I feel like my door for her is closing. I feel like a part of my life is dying. Then I realize it is. I realize that it has to. Then I question God again. Why God have you forsaken me…why have you taken away the women that I love. Why did I make all of those F’in mistakes. Then I realize…free will….We both did the best we could. The best we could was not good enough…so I hurt.

Mila –

The irony is that every woman wants to be loved the way you love your wife and she just doesn't see it now.

Thank you for you comment above. I was not always this way. Yes she does not see it and she may never see it. Sometime you have to accept that the damage that is done is too great to overcome. The DR book reminds us that NOT all marriages can be saved.

I can honestly tell you that right now, I do not know my wife. I don’t. The women that I feel in love with is in there somewhere…in her heart somewhere…That women I miss. I miss dearly.

PEI
Thank you for the encouragement. Thank you for the chat. I continue to be impressed with your approach, your commitment and overall logical approach. You may stumble and you may fall but I know that you will pick yourself up. Have no doubt about it!

Missher

FTR and IMO…in Webster dictionary under unconditional love I swear they should have picture of you. I know you know what I am going through. I know. Great pics of the kids on the alt. Count your blessing that you have them as often as you do.

LostForward
Miss you dude. I know things on your end are progressing nicely and I am so happy for you. If you can keep posting…people need you buddy.

but it shows how emotional mature you have become.

It sure does not feel that way right now.

It is symbolic in that you have given your wife control of her choices and have taken control of yours.

It may be symbolic but it sucks and hurts. The legal process and what it does to a R is horrible. Both of us are on guard. Everything that is done, is done with a “how will this impact my case” approach. It is horrible. It has to be the most painful thing that a person does. I am struggling with trying to be open and honest. I am struggling trying to be the man that I know God wants me to be. I am struggling trusting her. I know..she is in MLC…I know. I so feel for her. I so wish that we could sit down and come up with something that works for both us. Then I realize there is no “both of us” anymore. There is the shell of what was once. I know I need to look forward. I know I need to take it day by day. I know…but I still hurt. I still miss my w. I do not believe I am stuck. I am…feeling it….I am allowing it to change me. BUT I still hurt.

MH – thank you for your prayers. I too am praying…praying for true love.

Jack

But to an empathic person? Someone who is trying hard to love unconditionally? And...it is HARD to do, since we do not have wings nor play harps, just monkeys with opposable thumbs higher thinking and barely out of the "My bannana!" stage of evolution.[/quotre]
Thanks man. BTW…where do you think this stuff up…LOL…

Know this buddy….I still remember….”no regrets”…stuck me when I was a prideful prick that you needed to so eloquently point it out to. Seriously, thank. It means a lot to me when you pop over to my thread.

Shelbel
[quote]She may never let on that she has realized it..but I think she will. By that time you may have moved onto a woman who deserves that love & returns it tenfold.

I am not sure she will. Maybe…maybe not. As hurt as I feel right now, I do wonder what the future has for me. I do hope and pray that I may find love again in the future. It would be nice to share it with someone in the future and maybe that person will be my W maybe not.

The only way it is with my wife is if… ….when she has grown….when she has found what she is looking for and when she feels the love that I feel for her. She may never again. She may never be able to trust us again.

All I sit here typing up this post and all I can think of is this….

To my wife,
I remember…..
When we were sooooo in love…
When we would pull over just about anywhere and well you know….
When we would hang out in my shi**ty little apt and listen to music
When I taught you how to cook (remember the Spanish beans)
When we use to listen to Luther all night..
When we use to talk about our dreams..
When on fathers day I found out I was going to be a daddy.
When we argued and made up
When you wanted ben and jerry and pizza for a wonderful place in Hobooken.
When we used to laugh
When we hold hands all the time
When we would gaze into each other eyes
When you believed in me and I believed in you
When we said…till death do us part, in sickness and in health for better or for worse.
When we picked up our first mini van
When your brother got his first car
When my Yellow Nissan Stanza would always break down (hey I loved that sun roof)
When we purchased our first new car
When your nose would flare when you were angry
When the sun light would hit your eyes a certain way…
When you would put on your mascara and give yourself those cat eyes
When I would come home and you would greet me with hug and a kiss
When we got our first PC
When we would crack up watching the boys knock the hell out of themselves playing socker boppers
When our S feel asleep under his bed holding big bird and we could not find him
When you screamed at a lady in a public bathroom for making a comment about our son. That honey was funny
When I made the 6 course dinner for you and your girlfriend
When went to new Orleans
Went to Boca
Went to south beach
Went to Puerto Rico
When our children were born
When I would scream like a little biach whenever I saw a waterbug
When we would go to family gatherings
I remember honey when we were in love. I miss you.

To my wife….I refuse to focus on all of the negatives in our M. Refuse to. I choose to think of the good times, when I used to make you laugh all the time. It is these memories that I will fight to keep. Not the memories of where we are right now… not the bad memories. You may need these to propel you forward on your journey I understand. I choose to have the positive memories of what it is like to truly love someone propel me. I choose to maintain hope, a hope that both of us can find true love again.

Now I realize that somewhere we lost ourselves, we lost something, love never dies but marriages do. We were so young and stupid, full of dreams and hopes, we had kids that we both love very much, we were spontaneous. Our M was filled with challenges from the beginning – We both said hurtful things to each other. I my love, would never let you go…. until now…until recently…I love you honey – I am sorry I cannot do this anymore. I’m sorry that I was not strong enough.

I understand you need to find yourself…I understand that I am in your way. I understand. Please know that I am no longer in your way. You do not want me anymore. I have accepted it.

Know this honey….I always loved you. You my love, were the apple of my eye. You my love, will and always will be my first love.

Honey….the women that I fell in love with always wanted me to be happy…..I can promise you that I will try and find my happiness. I wish it was with you – right now it is not. The women I feel in love with taught me many things…Thank you.

Mach – I am cycling and I know it. I am in pain right now buddy. Every bone in my body hurts. My heart aches..I really do hurt. I know I’ll make it. I know…As much as this hurts I know it is the normal process. I just can’t do this anymore.

[dl443322]

Sweetie, I am so sorry you hurt. I am so sorry.

Please understand that God has not forsaken you. He has not. Just be still and listen. He will be there.

((((Hugs)))

[Truegritter]

E

I understand you need to find yourself…I understand that I am in your way. I understand. Please know that I am no longer in your way. You do not want me anymore. I have accepted it.

You were/are not in her way.

You were in your own way.

Now you are not.

Please don't walk away from this thinking she doesn't want you my friend.

She isn't in a place to even have a clue about that.

You have just walked into the light.

The knowledge of what it means to really love.

Now that you know it

Walk with the peace that knowledge gives you in your heart.

You have just given her the best kind of love you could ever give.

The kind that recognizes that it does not want for its own desires but recognizes that the best thing for her is to let her go on her journey.

Your love is given without limitation. Without condition.

Those are wonderful memories that you have written up there. What a gift God has given you my friend.

He has not forsaken you.

Look at the life you have lived.

Look at what you have learned.

Look at what you can do now going forward.

That is why God gave you the biggest f@cking heart.