Been a lurker for sometime now and finally got the gumption to post something. I am in need of some help. I will give you some back story as I feel its important to the current situation.
Been with my now wife for going on 14 years been married for close to 8. Now in the past I was the traditional Leave it to Beaver husband/dad. Work all day come home and expect my wife to do everything. This was the day to day thing for me for years. My wife would do the nagging as some wife’s do. It was her was of telling me to get off my rump and help out with things around the house. Well I blew it off like most of us do and come back with you always nag about something never anything to do with the reason you are mad. This was the way things were for many years.
Fast forward a bit to February of this year. I attended a workshop in another state for my job while I was there the subject matter was how to be a servant leader for your people at work and at home. During the class I had a long conversation with one of the instructors and had the light bulb go off in my head. I was a lazy worthless husband and father. I needed to change. I know hello!!! Why did it take so long. Anyway I returned home and started to notice things about my wife that I hadn’t before mainly due to living my own life and not paying attention to anything or anyone around me outside of wanting sex. I know ladies I am a pig.
My wife was dressing more attractively not revealing or anything just looking GREAT! We just moved from a smaller city/rural area to a large metro area. When I felt like things were to weird I took to snooping. Now my wife is a snooper I am not. I have never done what I am about to tell you. I was always comfortable with my situation and my wife’s love for me.
I snoop thru her phone and find a 40 min conversation she had with another male. Now here is where it gets interesting. The call was held at 10:30 at night. While I am out of town – my wife is sleeping 95% of nights before 9:30 so this was very odd to me. I was going to confront then I didn’t want to needless to say I did. Boy was that a mistake. She got very upset with me and we had it out. I then found out they were texting back and fourth as well. Also done late at night again while I wasn’t at home – I confronted her about this and she said they are just work friends and nothing more. He was going thru a hard time and needed someone to talk to. She said she would not talk to him anymore if I was going to continue to act like this. I told her if he is a friend then keep it out in the open and be honest. No reason to do it while I wasn’t around. She said fine. Well that didn’t stop. The calls and texting continued. I have been monitoring but haven’t said anything as of late. We had some rocky times in March and April – I struggled and still do at time with this whole thing. We read the 5 love languages as it has been suggested by many people. Things have seemed to pick up. I feel that things are getting better but I still have these lingering feelings that things aren’t ok. The other guy works about 3 hours away so to me this feels like an EA more than PA. They both have the same job so I am sure there is some general convo back and fourth between them but this secretive texting and calling behind my back concerns me. If it was done openly I wouldn’t have near the issue as I do with it being done behind my back.
My questions are this.
- Should I be worried about this? - Should I call her out on the continued conversations phone/text? - Would you be worried? - What should I do?
As I said things on the surface seem ok – I just wonder if what I did hurt things or the fact that I know recognize my lack of being the father/husband that I needed to be all those years has strained out relationship. I have found today that she has texted the OM 10 times while supposed to be home sick... I know this seems crazy and some details may have been left out if something doesn’t sound right let me know.
Any help advice or suggestions would be great. Thanks in advance!!
