Been a lurker for sometime now and finally got the gumption to post something. I am in need of some help. I will give you some back story as I feel its important to the current situation.
Been with my now wife for going on 14 years been married for close to 8. Now in the past I was the traditional Leave it to Beaver husband/dad. Work all day come home and expect my wife to do everything. This was the day to day thing for me for years. My wife would do the nagging as some wife’s do. It was her was of telling me to get off my rump and help out with things around the house. Well I blew it off like most of us do and come back with you always nag about something never anything to do with the reason you are mad. This was the way things were for many years.
Fast forward a bit to February of this year. I attended a workshop in another state for my job while I was there the subject matter was how to be a servant leader for your people at work and at home. During the class I had a long conversation with one of the instructors and had the light bulb go off in my head. I was a lazy worthless husband and father. I needed to change. I know hello!!! Why did it take so long. Anyway I returned home and started to notice things about my wife that I hadn’t before mainly due to living my own life and not paying attention to anything or anyone around me outside of wanting sex. I know ladies I am a pig.
My wife was dressing more attractively not revealing or anything just looking GREAT! We just moved from a smaller city/rural area to a large metro area. When I felt like things were to weird I took to snooping. Now my wife is a snooper I am not. I have never done what I am about to tell you. I was always comfortable with my situation and my wife’s love for me.
I snoop thru her phone and find a 40 min conversation she had with another male. Now here is where it gets interesting. The call was held at 10:30 at night. While I am out of town – my wife is sleeping 95% of nights before 9:30 so this was very odd to me. I was going to confront then I didn’t want to needless to say I did. Boy was that a mistake. She got very upset with me and we had it out. I then found out they were texting back and fourth as well. Also done late at night again while I wasn’t at home – I confronted her about this and she said they are just work friends and nothing more. He was going thru a hard time and needed someone to talk to. She said she would not talk to him anymore if I was going to continue to act like this. I told her if he is a friend then keep it out in the open and be honest. No reason to do it while I wasn’t around. She said fine. Well that didn’t stop. The calls and texting continued. I have been monitoring but haven’t said anything as of late. We had some rocky times in March and April – I struggled and still do at time with this whole thing. We read the 5 love languages as it has been suggested by many people. Things have seemed to pick up. I feel that things are getting better but I still have these lingering feelings that things aren’t ok. The other guy works about 3 hours away so to me this feels like an EA more than PA. They both have the same job so I am sure there is some general convo back and fourth between them but this secretive texting and calling behind my back concerns me. If it was done openly I wouldn’t have near the issue as I do with it being done behind my back.
My questions are this.
- Should I be worried about this? - Should I call her out on the continued conversations phone/text? - Would you be worried? - What should I do?
As I said things on the surface seem ok – I just wonder if what I did hurt things or the fact that I know recognize my lack of being the father/husband that I needed to be all those years has strained out relationship. I have found today that she has texted the OM 10 times while supposed to be home sick... I know this seems crazy and some details may have been left out if something doesn’t sound right let me know.
Any help advice or suggestions would be great. Thanks in advance!!
This is how my H's "friendship" began when he reconnected with an old female friend whom he has known from long before he and I ever met. Secret friendship is usually not just friendship IMHO.
As far as advice.. there are a lot of experienced people here... I'm still working on my marriage with this issue.. I'll let someone else start.
(I know, Allen A.. not being confident in my own knowledge.. still working on that...)
Last edited by elvencat; 06/15/1011:59 PM.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Tell her to stop contacting him and that it makes you uncomfortable...
Is this guy married? Tell his WIFE
He is engaged and not happy... Travels out of town 2 of 4 weeks a month. Been there and done that just checked phone texts are deleted but nothing else... Strange.
just checked phone texts are deleted but nothing else... Strange.
Not strange... my H did this when he realized I'd looked at his texts once. If she has nothing to hide, she hides nothing.. otherwise....... you need to find out what's going on some other way.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Collect more intel (a keylogger on her computer, or a voice-activated recorder in her car), and then report back here what you find, and BEFORE you do anything.
Your wife is very likely having an emotional affair.
IMO, you should be worried about a male friend. My H had a female friend for awhile - I heard the "just friends" line for quite some time before I had any given proof. A MC told us that friends of the opposite sex are poisonous to the M unless it's a dual friendship (friend of the marriage). My H denied and denied and well, I have confirmation of a PA now.
Also had a friend recently divulge that she is thinking about leaving her H because a frienship with another man entered "not just friends" territory. And she had a platonic friendship with this man for 3 years prior to crossing the boundary! So, IMO, friends of the opposite sex are really affairs waiting to happen.
Read Shirley Glass's "Not Just Friends" - that book was useful to me.
That being said, I wish I could go back in time and Divorce Bust more when my H's affair was only an emerging EA. I came at him with hostily over his friendship and I think we hit a point where he associated me with anger, hostility, and responsibility, and so it made OW more attractive.
Also, conisder hiring a DB coach - the cost is high but the advice has been invaluable to me.
