I feel like i need to contact WAW

[knightinneed]

Here I am wondering about the future, while Ms WAW is off having a good time likely in her resurrected single life I suppose. I guess I can pretend she is worried, but it doesnt really seem like it as she has tapped into the attention she used to so highly covet I suppose. She is a very beautiful woman, maybe the most beautiful I have ever known and she knows this, but I wonder what motivations are truly driving her lately.

She was such a great catch so I thought, and never was I pursued so hard by a woman in my life. This down deep flattered me immensely and well I guess I felt truly admired. I was a bit nervous about her at first but I guess I gave in to loves charms.
Our relationship was such a whirlwind of romance and fun for the first three months we were inseperable and I started to know we were headed for marriage, then she became pregnant and well after a brief break and 2 more months of her living with me we tied the knot.

There were warning signs yes for sure, but i was so enamored by her as beautiful as she is and I had to take my chances. It really felt good, and well I was somewhat happy at the time, but I think the truth of it was that I was not fully healed from my last R of 7 years. Not married but lived with my ex for quite some time.

Diffrences began to abound I suppose, as money began to get tight with new expenses for the baby, and extra money for another car payment and insurance. I didnt require to her work so she was able to focus on DD1 and raise her with a Moms full attention.

Finances began to suffer, I began to drink more, was tired and gained alot of weight while she was pregnant because I spoiled her on take out and lots of snacks. I gained baby weight too.
About this time of the arguing took hold and then the nagging. Nagging about my drinking alot - which was true though I wasnt a drunk - Nagging about Smoking Ciggarettes and how because I did she was unable to quit - Very true - Nagging about how I had a hard time with my other daughters Mom and how I didnt pursue some arrangement to get her or get the Child support lowered - True, but I am working on that after i finish this mess. Nagging about being lazy, not helping with the dishes, not doing what I would say I would do, and not wanting to be more social. About this time I am pretty sure I fell back into a deep depression and was coasting through life not real happy with the pay of my job compared to our bills, I wasnt doing any of my hobbies I love like playing guitar - she complained why have a guitar if u dont play it. lol I was also not keeping up with our bills and a couple of times after a fight I went to the casino. The 1st time I had to leave because the fight was out of hand, I played poker about 6 hrs and came home and she was very upset, she said I left her alone when she and the baby needed me and her car was having problems. Looking back this was a bad way of coping and very selfish I agree.

The second time we had a big fight I went to the casino again and well I lost big. I lost about 1k and we really needed that money, and to top it off we werent real intimate at the time so I relieved myself and it was on my underpants. Not thinking of anything I just put them in the bathroom as normal, but she checked them for some reason. She blew a rod, called me at work said WHO WAS SHE!! WHO WAS SHE!! she thought I had cheated, but I hadnt. She didnt believe me and it took a while to get back to being nice and cozy... About this time is when her facebook usage really kicked up a notch like it is now, but she would put nice things on her page, MOM type stuff.

I noticed she had been talking to a few guys, so I snooped. It turns out that guys just couldnt stop hittin on her in subtle ways. I mean she didnt act on anything, but It made me very jealous. Here I am jealous, insecure due to my weight and depression, angry alot because she is losing respect for and I just snap. I say you can choose facebook over me. I dont know why I did, i just got mad and stomped my feet I suppose. Very immature.

My spiral continued and she hung in there, but about this time our fights became worse with Throwing things like the TV, cutting clothes up, smashing dishes etc.. Never around the baby tho thank god. But still this behavior began to scare me. It became some sick escalated competition of button pushing. I would sometimes leave, but more often then not felt my point needed to be made. I didnt honestly have the skills to handle the situation I guess. After learning what I know now, i probably could have disarmed a number of situations and handled things in a cool calm manner.

I thank god for the anti-ds to lift me out of my long funk and the clarity to grab hold of my life and make my changes. Now I am 25 lbs lighter, have solid financial payback plan, good plan for the future to sell house and move out of an not very desirable area to a better part of town and the reconnection with every member of my family.

Its amazing to think that all this brought about these amazing changes in me. Now I sit back and wonder about WAW, she was good in the beginning pushed me in the right direction. Pushed me to church, to socialize more, hang out with family more, to just be a better person.

She saids she feels she wasted 1 year of her life on me. I feel like with my changes and real plans for the future, and to get out of this CPS mess we had a shot really. This behaviour now really harkens back to I suppose when she was single.

I am more confused then ever whom the real WAW is??? Is she the loving sweet mom, or is she now a single Alien free from bondage and back to the single life.

I really need to find out in time, as I go dark complete my changes, focus on getting DD1 full custody, and then I guess maybe Id have my answer. If WAW comes to me wanting to be a mother again and accepts us as a family unit perhaps my vigilant constant prayers with tears have worked.

If not I guess I should thank her for taking a shell of man, and giving him a reason to rise up and be a better man or maybe its DB as well.