Oh goodness sakes - I'm supposed to be getting away from the A. garbage. Well, I just took my D. over to visit an old friend who has three lovely children of her own. Well, her family is basically the poster family for a happy family . . . you'd think.
Well, I ended up telling her about the sitch between my H and me - we are both invited to a wedding this coming weekend and I knew his absence would give me away. So, she decides it's a good idea to let me know that she has a friend that's "not just friends." And she proceeds to divulge all starts of garbage about how she just "clicks" with him in a way she doesn't click with her husband.
So, I just saw straight into the WAS psyche, and I don't like it. It's like she's completely letting herself off the hook for the potential damage to the kids - she's so pulled in by OM's attention. She said if she could avoid mess it would make with her inlaws and the mess it would make for her in our whole town, she would leave her H right now. And, she even confided that "I used to think that someone had to be unhappy in a R in order to have an A. But my H. is great to me. We just don't click the same way as I do with OM."
What it did affirm is that friendships with a member of the opposite sex are dangerous for married people - a month ago I roomed with her at a pre-wedding shendig for a mutual friend and she was using her friendship with her man-friend as an example of how my H's friendship might be harmless. Neither her friendship or my H's friendship are harmless - they're marriage wreckers!!!
I have to admit that this is rocking me quite a bit - it's making me think my sitch is hopeless and that the world is full of people who can't be trusted. What happened to honor, trust, and loyalty?!!
Mel, you can USE this to better work with your husband...
This woman has already given you some clues... the mess.. the exposure is a HUGE mountain to pass over...
In her book After the Affair, Spring writes that ENDING a marriage is as much work as REBUILDING one...
Many wayward spouses have this ridiculous idea that they can just fip a switch and the marriage is over... it doen`st work that way.. it takes a lot of work to sort through.. divorces aren`t done in a day... Certainly not emotionally...
CUriuos.. did you give this woman a STERN talking to, I certainly hope you set her straight!
You know - I wish I had responded in a sterner way. I just repeated "wow" a lot and then asked a lot of questions. I don't think I'll hang with her again and I think I'll follow up at some point by letting her know how I feel. Also wrestling with if I'm morally obligated to tell her H.
One more thought on exposure: if you create the mountain and they have to go over it anyways, what makes them pick your side of the mountain? Why would my husband choose to work through the mess and eventually chose me over her?
You know - I wish I had responded in a sterner way. I just repeated "wow" a lot and then asked a lot of questions. I don't think I'll hang with her again and I think I'll follow up at some point by letting her know how I feel. Also wrestling with if I'm morally obligated to tell her H.
If she is a friend you really should say something... please watch this video :
Its REALLY helpful, you get to see MWD in action...
The video is designed for those who KNOW someone having marital problems... and yes, you can sit with your exposure group (family etc) and watch this, it will help educate them about confronting a wayward spouse, motivating them to return to the marriage and rebuild soemthing healthier and happier
Well, this woman and I had plans to meet for pre-wedding pedicures today. When she texted me, I responded: "I can't come. The news u shared with me yesterday turned my stomach. I am just so sad for your husband and children." Separate text because I ran out of space: "Given the personal grief I am experiencing, I can't be neutral. I know the grief your family will experience first hand."
She responded with a "I'm so sorry to put you in that position. I told OM that I was cutting it off - after seeing your pain, I couldn't do that to my family." Thank God!
Most recent update: I had my daughter call my H for father's day (we are still away at my mom's house) - for some reason my daughter (age 4.5) insisted we talk so we did briefly. He was cordial but short. I asked if we could talk to his dad (thought he was living with parents) and he said he wasn't with his dad. This is a big deal - his family is VERY family oriented and it's huge to not be there on father's day.
So, we called my father-in-law to tell him happy father's day. He was excited to hear from us. Then he passed the phone off to my mother in law who asked us how we were doing - then made a comment that made me realize my H was not living there. She said "I don't know where he is and don't expect him to contact us."
I think this means they ran a firm line with him regarding the A (it's against what they stand for and they are terrified of not having their gdaugther near). My H decided to leave. So, I have no idea where he is staying. The only support system he likely still has is his male friends in the area and OW. I think OW still lives with her parents, so I doubt he's staying there. No $$ have been leaving our accounts, and his phone records are next to nothing (it even makes me wonder if he has an alternatve phone, but not sure how I would ever find that out).
You know, part of me is starting to waiver on how committed I am to making this work - I have been treated so poorly by him that I'm not sure it's worth my energy to invest in him. I sometimes look at it like "for better and for worse" and then the next minute I remind myself that he broke the contract, not me. I wonder if this is a normal way to feel sometimes while you're going through this . . . if even people who eventually affair bust feel like throwing in the towel.
Yep, a lot of us, including myself have these days when we just think "they're not worth it... I can do better with less work..." but it does pass... It's just your emotions playing games with you... This is how AFFAIRS start, is people hearing those voicesi n their head and CATERING to them.. giving them their EAR rather than dismissing it...
if your husband IS remorseful and he WANTS to make the marriage work then I would suggest you go to a family therapist and give it six months... checkpoint every six months... or three orwhatever... But don't give up when things are at their worst.. you want to exit with a CLEAR head, not when you are hurt and angry...
