can you guys tell me what you thnk of this email? Dear @@@@,
I spoke with my therapist and bo about our conversation and thought about it some, and I have this to say; I believe in marriage and I believe in the sanctity of it. I have given you forgiveness and love and commitment, and that's all I have asked in return. When I asked you if you would be willing to go to therapy with me to work through your (in your own words) bitterness and anger and refusal to let anything go, you refused, saying 'you don't need therapy'. You did say that if I get a job so that you can take a vacation, you would consider coming home in half a year. My job as a waitress or a secretary full time won't even cover your rental in @@@@, if I could find one at all. And before you left, I cut my hours at school to work for you for free to try to be a better partner to you, and all I got was critism for cutting my school hours, as if there were anything I could possibly have done right at that point. There simply wasn't. You 'couldn't afford to pay me', so I said ok. Then, you hired two employees that you have to pay. Why did you rent that property when you could stay here or with your sister if you are so concerned about money?
The fact is that you said you would provide for us and put me through school. Using our credit card for frivolous things, which is something you do too, or being a human and having mood swings, not running errands for you once or twice when you wanted me to in our whole relationship compared to how many times I did, or counting on my attorney husband to fully financially support me while I attend school full time to try to get a decent job and contribute to our future as a family, is not something that I believe is unforgivable, not compared to what I have been expected to forgive, and have for the sake of our marriage.
I went to Dr. Rose alone to try to figure out ways to work on myself and us. I took proactive steps to better myself and our relationship. You were uninterested in doing so and still are.
I am willing to not go through with this divorce if YOU care enough to move back in and go to therapy to try to get past what YOU can't get past. If you feel that it is that important to you that I work a part time job while attending school full time, I will. If you need to work out how to forgive me not running errands or helping run up some debt with you, then professional help is needed to fix this. It would be a positive, proactive step(s) to healing yourself as an angry person, and would help you as a functional human being in the long run. Dr. Rose was unable to work with you because you refused to go even by yourself. All I wanted was for you to try to heal youself and us some and show you had any interest in bettering things.
I still offer this to you, a chance to heal together. I will not, however, be tortured by being kept hanging in limbo and having to jump through hoops until you either go away or I am so beaten down I have nothing left to give anyone because I gave it all to someone who doesnt even recognize it.
My 'vacation' to houston, to try to get my head on straight and figure out what to do with myself now that I have given everything to you and haven't really even thought of myself as an individual except to go to school, was something you resented and have brought up to me several times. I tried to visit my family last summer as well. But of course, my whole trip was spend agonizing over something I said wrong before I left and the fear of what would happen when I got home-and did. And then there was christmas, when I got blamed for something I had nothing to do with. And then we went to Gilmer, and I did everything to love your family and fit in with them. It just all went overlooked....
When you say it has all been about me, it's rediculous. It's about you. Your anger, your feelings, and your choice, all of which I agonize about how to fix. I can't fix your anger that you brought with you into our relationship. All I ever did was try to love you.
Since you think that my interest in being with you is because youre my 'mealticket', I have attatched bo's counter proposal to your offer. If you are not serious about working things out and learning how to have a loving, supportive marriage like I am, I would like to get the divorce done and to stop pretending we are not apposing counsels in a law suite. You sued me for a divorce.
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
Hi abqbelly. Sorry you are in this spot. I haven't read your whole thread, so I want to warn you about that ahead of time, but when I read your possible email, I'm afraid all I saw were the negative you said this but did that comments. In my relationship with my H, I'm learning that unless I quit reiterating every little thing he's done to bug the crap out of me or is holding against me, he won't hear the message I'm trying to get across.. I just come out sounding like a harpy. I suggest keeping things short and simple... how does this sound compared to what you wrote?
I spoke with my therapist and bo about our conversation and thought about it some, and I have this to say; I believe in marriage and I believe in the sanctity of it. I have given you forgiveness and love and commitment, and that's all I have asked in return.
I went to Dr. Rose alone to try to figure out ways to work on myself and us. I took proactive steps to better myself and our relationship. I can't fix your anger that you brought with you into our relationship. I am willing to not go through with this divorce if YOU care enough to move back in and go to therapy to try to get past what YOU can't get past. It would be a positive, proactive step to healing yourself.
I will NOT, however, be tortured by being kept hanging in limbo and having to jump through hoops until you either go away or I am so beaten down I have nothing left to give anyone because I gave it all to you. If you are not serious about working things out and learning how to have a loving, supportive marriage like I am, I would like to get the divorce done.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
yeah, thats how he alwsy talks to me and i never talk othim.... its almost like a 180, believe it or not for me. read my sitch. its basically like mirroring his communication style he could have written the letter himself. i hate hate hate talking that way, believe me. but i think it may be the right thing to do. i never have said anyting he did wrong. he beat me severely with a belt, cheated on me and all the while i took responsibilty for it all... its a hard one... i will consider what you said but i dont know if in my case its the right thing to do. i have been a spineless fool for so long
I want to respond to a couple of things real quick, but I promise I'll read the whole story and post more later...
Originally Posted By: abqbelly
its basically like mirroring his communication style he could have written the letter himself. i hate hate hate talking that way, believe me.
Regardless of your specific situation, if you hate acting a certain way but are doing so in the sole hope of trying to please someone else rather than for making yourself be a better person, it won't help you in the long run to act that way.
Originally Posted By: abqbelly
but i think it may be the right thing to do.
Only you know your exact sitch, but again, I feel that acting in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself is not a good idea for long term happiness.
Originally Posted By: abqbelly
i never have said anyting he did wrong. he beat me severely with a belt, cheated on me and all the while i took responsibilty for it all... its a hard one...
In this email, you are trying to ask him to come home and work through issues, or finalize divorce proceedings. Do you think your email will get this message through effectively, or will bringing out all these things now instead of at a future date when you are more secure in where your relationship is (where ever that may be) lose the message in the details?
I understand you do need to tell him these things (for your own piece of mind), but is this the right time to do so? Picking the right battles is a difficult thing.
Originally Posted By: abqbelly
i will consider what you said but i dont know if in my case its the right thing to do. i have been a spineless fool for so long
Being a victim of abuse does not make you spineless. I've been both a victim and a witness of different types of physical and mental abuse. Psychologically you are made to feel you deserve it. You don't, never did and now you are beginning to realize it. That makes you a very strong willed person to face the reality and want to change it. Many victims of abuse cannot do that.
Whatever you decide, make sure you do it for you.
I'll read the whole sitch... I can see there is a great deal of backstory, but I wanted to let you know that I feel there are some things that are true, no matter what your situation and wanted to tell you that.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
yeah i guess i should shorten it. damnit i have a lot to say though.... can i keep a little more of it?
When do you want to send this? Maybe we can take some time to work on a good script that validates your feelings, but gets the point across at the same time.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
i am concerned that he stringing me along, but at the same i do want to see him, to date him. that was his suggestion, but only if i 'get a job'. the problem with that is kind of stirred up in my divorce, you see, my counselor think i have ptsd from abuse and if i work it will just prove that he owes me less alimony, it also would simply change the way our finances are split, to where i have to give him some of it. i want to work it out, but if i can't i want as much money as i can get, of course. i'm so screwed. i was thinking abou sayng nothing and ust letting my attorney send my counter offer. he is trying to put off the divorce until the statute fall soff for the abuse i think and i can't file a civil suite for personal damages. its all so screwed up.
