she thought a lot of my problems are just 'the way I am', which really isn't the case. A person is only who they are willing to be
That's an interesting point... I meant to say your W's way of not communicating but I now see that it can be looked from both sides.
I guess things will be how they are meant to be. We can try to minimize the damage by DBing but whether we save our M or not is another matter altogether.
Sometimes I feel the best GAL is to keep off the forum and not think about it at all.
You're right though, we're DBing to minimise damage... to ourselves... to our futures... but there's no guarantee for the R.
On the one hand GALing will eventually get in the way of the forum... but on the other, it doesn't negate the need to talk about the sitch. We're from a very verbal society, so talk actually helps us mentally deal with problems. It's hard to talk to people impartially about this stuff... so that's where the forum helps.
It's hard to be out and about all the time, and it's very hard to just forget about this stuff
Me: 29 H: 25 T:7yrs M:5yrs
Bomb: 23/04/10
Had no idea anything was wrong. Cheated so she could end it without talking.
just had a "mate" on facebook log into chat and ask me how I was doing. We exchanged plesantries for about 5 minutes before he said:
"If you loved her you would have hopped onto the first plane back".
I said that I do love her and he said "Bullshit. Prove it".
I told him he was being an [censored] and not helping and to back off... I thought that if I went there she would leave... that she would only run if I chased her.... and I still don't know the extent of the affair.
Added to this, this guy, along with almost everyone we know still don't know about the affair at all.
... did I do the right thing? SHOULD I have chased her?
Damn I hate this.
Me: 29 H: 25 T:7yrs M:5yrs
Bomb: 23/04/10
Had no idea anything was wrong. Cheated so she could end it without talking.
I had similar thing happen to me... my H's 'mate' told me that we should separate. I got really angry with him that he was meddling in our R without knowing BOTH sides of the story.
It's really difficult to stay calm when it's talk/ chat and not emails where you can have the time to cool off. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but to judge and challenge you is another matter altogether, I think if I were you I would've told him the same... or even worse, I would've slipped and said 'there is more to it. you don't know the whole story'.
Can I guess that this person was quite young and without much experience with long term R?
Perhaps I shouldn't generalize, but I've felt that people with successful long M or R tend to have wider views on M/R. They know that there is two sides to the story and all sorts of sh!t happens in the long run. Heck after all this M crisis and DBing I'll be really careful to stay away from a biased opinion now, unless R has serious issues like abuse. Before I was different. I used to have more of somewhat black& white opinions on R.
This 'mate' of yours doesn't know the whole story. One day when he's M for a while or in a very long term R, he will find out the complexity of it all and will learn not to judge.
The issue with your W didn't happen over night. It's been building up for several years. I don't know if a single trip over there to be back with her will have sorted it out. You might go there in time but you'd need to choose the timing wisely and no one knows it better than you do.
That's the thing... it's fine for people to give advice and even comment a little... but when they actively go out of their way to tell you that you haven't done the right thing and clearly by the actions they're able to see you don't love your S... I honest to God would have hit him if had said it to my face.
Luckily I kept me composure... to an extent. I didn't say anything I wasn't supposed to, but I let him know in no uncertain terms what I thought of him and his opinion.... and it wasn't incredibly polite... that's composed, right??
This guy isn't the youngest, but he has never had the most successful long term relationship. He's also a bit of a womaniser and as far as I'm aware, has never been able to stay faithful to one girl. Not someone who can brag to me about the wonders and success of a 'better marriage'.
No one really FULLY understands what's going on... but damn... that sucked. I was already in a pretty low place before hand, so this kinda knocked me for six. Still didn't break the tally though... today is day 11, no tears.
This thing with my W COULD have sprung up over night, or COULD have been building for years... but either way, seeing me face to face isn't going to magically fix everything. If she's feeling scared, pressured, possibly knee jerk reacting to the idea of leaving, then sitting down and TELLING her what she's doing wrong isn't going to help at all.
I'm now up to 7 days since I sent my last email to her... which makes it 10 days since she emailed me. I hate that I'm counting and I know I need to detach... but it's hard to stop caring. I'm not sure what else I should be doing.
Me: 29 H: 25 T:7yrs M:5yrs
Bomb: 23/04/10
Had no idea anything was wrong. Cheated so she could end it without talking.
I've had really good days and then all of a sudden terrible days... I can see that the 'good days' will become longer and longer and eventually the door will close.
When I have bad days, I noticed that something will trigger the horrible feeling and from there everything seems to be bad for a few days... but when I think about it, most is 'bad' bc of my mood from the trigger and how I see/react feeling that way, it's not that there has been much change in my surroundings.
Yesterday something snapped me out of it and I'm doing quite well again.
It helps me better if I set a goal for whatever I'm doing... gives me a positive feeling.
I've had a few too many good days, so this was kind of due.
I think something that triggered everything - apart from my father and "mate"'s advice, is that I'm still friends with her on facebook. A friend of hers tagged her in an album, which went straight to my news feed, or her and a bunch of new mates (an ex boyfriend's work do) going out to an amusement park and having fun.
That was a bitter pill... seeing her happy and oblivious. I know that she's not... I know that she's still thinking about everything, and that she's hurting no matter what decisions she makes... it just. I hate it.
My mind is started to forget where I was, and I really miss large parts of my 'old life'... in particular, the companionship and love of my wife.
I'm glad you've managed to get back on track again - it's odd to see how closely timed out sitch's are. I feel like you're coping a lot better than I am, but then I know I don't see you in the quiet moments.
My only goal today is to keep up with the plans - doctor this afternoon, dancing tonight.
beyond that, I'm at a bit of a loss as to what goals to set.
Me: 29 H: 25 T:7yrs M:5yrs
Bomb: 23/04/10
Had no idea anything was wrong. Cheated so she could end it without talking.
On FB I've hidden everyone closely connected to my H to avoid them coming up on news feed... otherwise it was too difficult for me. If someone wanted to contact me there is always messages and emails. what's been really difficult is that one minute I was 'family' and the next it was as if I've disappeared from the face of the earth.
If I'm doing a bit better than you in detaching, it's probably bc my M was a living hell before separating. We didn't do anything together and H complained and blamed everything but did nothing almost. The more I did, the more he expected and his expectation grew like snow balls. If I couldn't give it he'd scream respect. So by the time we were apart I was relieved. If it wasn't marriage I would have gone a long time ago! I'm really questioning myself if it's worth it to be with him, he used to yell and tell me he doesn't want to change. (can you believe he thought of himself as always calm and fair?)
Re: goal setting A while ago someone on TV was saying 'if you want to achieve something rather big, then you set a time limit and break it down to months, weeks and days. You will know what you need to do tomorrow. Otherwise it's too daunting when you only see the goal'
There is something I always wanted to do, which was quite difficult when I was with H. So this is a good time and opportunity for me to work on it bit by bit.
Yeah, I'm getting ready for the big "facebook cull". I'm not sure what to do about the extended family... if I remove them then it has that huge sense of finality to it. If I just hide them, I have to be careful about what I post and why...
Some of them I'm really close to, and some of them I really love. It's hard to believe that I've lost an entire family.
Yeah, I can imagine the volatile situation would make it easier to understand what's going on... not necessarily to accept it, but to least say "THIS is why". I still don't fully get the why. I still can't shake the feeling that one day she'll realise how much of a mistake this is, how sudden and strange it is.... at least part of me does. The rest feels that she's villified me so much that she never wants to see or speak to me again, and I've lost her from my life completely.
And given that its now over a week since she's spoken to me, thats probably the most likely.
I see what you mean with the goals... I guess i need to start with that before more things slip through my fingers. I'm feeling emotionally wiped out from yesterday still... so I don't know how I'm going to fare today. I'll get onto that soon
Me: 29 H: 25 T:7yrs M:5yrs
Bomb: 23/04/10
Had no idea anything was wrong. Cheated so she could end it without talking.
