Also, last week was a hell week - lots of jabs, yelling, criticisms and I didn't do as well with walking away and keeping my mouth shut. So of course it escalated. When I return, I have to go back to not responding. It just hurts so much. Devastatingly much.
My perspective is that H yells too much at S, too, especially around mealtimes. Yes, I keep boundaries around table manners but I do it with a firm but calm voice and remember he's only five and still has puppy energy. H has no patience and raises his voice at the smallest thing (getting out of the chair, for example) and blames me that S isn't "better behaved." Well I've raised our son from birth as an at home mom, and my technique takes longer, much more patience, but it's kind and eventually gets more cooperation from S.
So the other morning H yells at S around getting out of his chair at breakfast and I felt for S because I hate it too when H yells at me - it's really a similar pattern. So I just quietly picked S up and placed him back on his chair, while holding him for a second for a hug.
H got pissed off (hopefully because he realized he was too harsh, but maybe not)and said with intensity "Thanks for UNDERMINING me!" OH, I should have walked away. But I bit. I calmly said I was not undermining him. BUt I also knew he in no way was interested in hearing what I actually was doing. I sadly got into a bit of a discussion with him, which led nowhere, and left me feeling like crap for the next six hours.
I said that he didn't listen to me when I do say what I was doing and claims he listens but doesn't agree. We should agree to disagree and move on.
NO WAY! He's not go to excuse himself away this easily. THis has nothing to do with a parenting disagreement. IF it did, he could talk to me another time, in a calm and respectful manner, and we could comprimise. No, he was interested in venting anger at me once again and not hearing my side and "winning the argument."
Now what to do? All I can do is try in MC - if he ever returns - where I can have a witness and a translater and someone in the room H will listen to instead of try to argue down and be right.
My first two days of vacation were blissful, but today, knowing H is flying down to join us for th after noon, I'm full of fear and anxiety. I have had my anti anxiety pill already!
