hi time- firstly, just want to give you a big hug for the crud you are going through- my heart goes out to you. I have read a bit of your sitch, but not everything, so I apologize if I'm missing anything critical. Why are you ashamed that you are still torn? Just because someone treats you like dirt doesn't mean you stop loving that person. First off, accept your feelings as valid. Secondly, I really believe that there's one path for you right now, and that makes it easy! You have to go dark. GAL. Why? What you are doing right now isn't work. He has made his feelings perfectly clear- he says he doesn't want you in his life, let him see what that really means! (if you love something, let it go...etc, etc.) And, if the scumbag (who you still love, understandably) doesn't come crawling back to your door, it won't be such a big deal because you will be living your life. Show some respect for yourself, honor yourself, and stop holding your breath, because he ain't gonna. Don't give yourself a hard time for wanting everything to work out, just accept that the only person you can change is yourself. Be the best you that you can be for YOU, and focus on other things for now. Be good to yourself.
