Im not "changing into the man she always wanted ". I WAS that man and lost myself and am changing BACK to what she fell in love with in the first place.
In my opinion/understanding, you are supposed to be the man she wanted IF that is who you want to be as well. Making those changes that you should've always made or always wanted to make. You are not supposed to be changing only to get her back, but rather to be the husband you'd want to be for any woman. Someone who many other women would fall for if they were as lucky as your wife. I've read others who've succeeded saying their spouse got angry that the person changed, but then loving as they could imagine themselves in a R forever with their spouse again.
I'd agree asking for the MC's number was a bit like saying, "are we going?". That is your choice IF you are ready for the answer (which sounded like a no) and will not even flinch.
I don't agree that Gucci's POV would work on all women. Obviously it worked for him and he wants to share it. You need to decide what you want to do, then do it, look for results, then replan/continue doing it. There is no perfect way.
I'd agree with many that you've been with her for long enough it is odd that she didn't divorce him. In a way, you are the OM and you are asking her to leave her husband. Having kids with her doesn't make your R more legitimate or committed. Unless she's willing to D him, I'd really suggest you reconsider considering going back to her without a legal divorce. After that, if she went to him, you could at least consider it an affair. Right now, it isn't.
Yes, keep calling your kids. I am screwing up when I am working late/out by not calling my kids enough. They DO recognize it and need it. When I do, I still talk to them like a dad even when W & I are having a rough patch. That is parenting.
When she has them, I'd suggest to avoid doing any "work" for her if you are(calling daycares, arranging things, delivering things, telling them to clean their room, etc.) If she didn't recognize your value before she left as a parent, I doubt she'd recognize your value when you are behind the scenes helping her. If she struggles to parent them without you, she would remember how much easier you made it!
Try for a good day...you must be under a lot of stress.
Of course I didnt act like I didnt care !! But what I've discovered is that we were speaking two completely different " love languages" so the things I mentioned that I thought were showing her I cared werent what she needed to fulfill her.
Well it seems to me that you keep trying to tell us how you know her so well, and then come up with statements like the above. So, after 14 years you are just NOW finding out her love language? That doesn't sound like a man that knows a woman very well at all. Actually quite the opposite. I think you are fooling yourself a lot.
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At this point, I find it VERY hard to believe that she would actually be thinking about "losing me " to someone else.
Correct. She KNOWS you want her. She isn't the least bit concerned about losing you. Right now she doesn't want to be with you so we know that she doesn't feel the love that a woman wants to feel to be with a man.
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She didnt give a damn about what her EX was doing for 14 years when he broke it. So why should I expect any different ???
We don't know what she was thinking in the inner most recesses of her heart. You did say though that he chased her and pursued her for a long time. So we KNOW that what you are trying to do didn't work for him either. You told us he pursued her for at least two or three years. Looks to me like pursuing doesn't work on her very well.
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He pursued her for at least the first two to three years of our relationship regularly, only to be turned down cold every time.
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You keep saying, " of course she's pissed, it took this type of thing to you to be the man she always wanted " sooooooooo what Im just supposed to NOT make the changes ???
The difference is the way you are going about the changes. Making them while coming across as desperate doesn't work. Making them in a silent strength without pointing them out to her while also telling her that you will be perfectly fine without her is the way to go. Your choice.
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As for MCing ?? Like I said, on some level that is what we're doing with the neighbor counselor, whether she realizes it or not
Another mistake you are making. It is sneaky of you to go to the "neighbor" counsleor together and then when your wife isn't around you go pick the brain of your neighbor. Not a good idea on your part and I would suspect your wife doesn't trust your motives on this either.
When he pursued her the first couple years after we got together she was 18 to 22. Now she's 32 and we have two kids together. Im not saying your wrong gucci, but really is it fair to say that what a woman wanted at 18 to 22 is the same as at 32 ? Aside from the obvious generalities of course.
I mean, the fact we have kids, including a BABY (7 mos) has GOT to have SOME kind of effect on her in moments of clarity. Their two will be 18 and gone in 3 years max. Our son will barely be three when that day comes.Now, Im sure as hell NOT hoping it takes anywhere NEAR that long to reconcile this, but I'll bet its a better then even chance that once their twins are out and on their own, plus the time and distance for us to slowly start rebuilding, that once the twins hit 18 she wont have a whole helluva alot of reason to stay with him, as opposed to giving us another shot. And TBH, Im pretty sure thats probably my limit of how long Im willing to try to fix this. Now sure some people will probably think Im nuts for even waiting that long but so be it.
A friend made a pretty good observation that Im going to need to stew over. She has gotten her chance to "vent " and rant and rave and display her anger towards me. He suggested that I should have every right to do the same. I dont mean iin the same nasty,viscious way she did the other day, but just admittimg to her Im angry and why. I asked this question last night if this was a good idea or not and have yet to get a reply
Now how many marriages that start like that and then result in a 14 year separation, with virtually ZERO communication between them, her feelings about what he did to her plus her feelings towards him of being an absentee father for 12 years result in rekindling anything ??
First love? You never know what flames lie in a woman's heart that await to be rekindled. If anything, they have a history and a child and a friendship that you will have to let run its course.
That's why I suggested ultra lightweight backpacking. It was more a metaphor than a gear checklist:
grab a knapsack and fill it with a tarp, a thin quilt, waterproof matches, the minimal amount of food to sustain you, a couple band aids, a water bottle, then walk into the woods a day and a half turn around and walk back.
Monday back to the grind, spend a couple of your free hours during the week thinking about how you can lessen your load, be more waterproof, be faster, the further you can walk the better.
WAW just called me to discuss our next "meeting" about addressing unresolved "issues" pertaining to the seperation.
She was fairly hostile towards me, said she was pissed at me that Im " getting my act together " NOW after her waiting for it for so long. I suppose that was to be expected. Validated her feelings about it, but bit my tongue on pointing out anything about it being a good thing for " us " or " better late then never" or anything similar.
She found out yesterday that I got another house, for myself. Its definetly WAY smaller then what we had, but it DOES have the ability for her and the kids to come " home " if she wants. Plus I've worked it out with the owner to buy it in a couple years, make upgrades,etc.
I can pay for it myself also, which goes a long way to curing one of her major gripes.
It almost sounds like she's regretting her decision and/or is pissed at me. Like, " You forced me to want to seperate , and NOW I moved out and NOW you choose to start doing all the things I needed you to do for so long ???!!"
Hmmmmmmmmm. Need to ponder this a bit. Im certainly not expecting her to come racing back next week or anything. But it SOUNDS like she's at least starting to have second thoughts/regrets but her pride or something is in the way.
She was fairly hostile towards me, said she was pissed at me that Im " getting my act together " NOW after her waiting for it for so long. I suppose that was to be expected. Validated her feelings about it, but bit my tongue on pointing out anything about it being a good thing for " us " or " better late then never" or anything similar.
Very good... "Yes WAW, I don't blame you for being pissed at me for just now getting my act together. It is something I should have done a long time ago."
Then shut up and drop it. That is all there is to validating. Agree with their stance, be sincere, then shut up.
Excellent job on biting your tongue. Mature men bite their tongue quite often with their wives and lovers. It is a wise move. Learn to bite your tongue without her knowing that is what you are doing and you will be moving into the big leagues.
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It almost sounds like she's regretting her decision and/or is pissed at me.
IF YOU LET HER GO you may very well find out that she is regretting the decision to MOVE IN WITH HER EX. Another reason to let her alone. Let them deal with the new reality, 7 month old baby that isn't his, him having to deal with wondering if she will go back to you, etc. etc. etc..
This is why you need to show confidence and just leave her alone and allow her to WONDER... Let her deal with the thoughts of "what did I just do, he is telling me how to raise my kid, he is smothering me, he is jealous of my ex that I lived with for fourteen years".. etc. etc etc..
Stay out of the picture and let it happen... Keep on getting a happy life. Let her SEE (not TELL HER) you getting a life.. When she brings up something you did in the past that hurt her or she hated.. just agree that she is right, you are wrong and shut up..
That is the ticket. KISS... Keep it simple. Don't make it complicated.
Just got a call from the WAW. I had sent her a text just saying, " Hope your having a good day " nothing more.
Had a pleasant enough conversation. She actually apologized for the way she spoke to me yesterday ! She was cranky and in a lot of pain ( back & kidney problems ). She was VERY inquisitive about the new house I have. But also seemed a tad nonchalant at the same time.
She did say she was sick of her retail job and would go back to school for ANYTHING if she didnt have to worry about paying bills. Now I have been begging her for YEARS to go back to school for SOMETHING, ANYTHING to get out of the rut of dead end retail work. Now for years I had kindly suggested she would be really good at nursing of some type, LPN, RN something in that field and its something thats always hiring and she resisted for one reason or another. So today I broached it again when she said she would go back to school for "anything" at this point she's so frustrated. And she actually didnt argue about the idea this time.
I have to constantly remind myself to take the littlest pleasant thing and savor it. PRO = we had a really nice half hour or more talk, mostly her venting, I am happy about that. CON= She sounded somewhat more "sure " of herself and her decision to WA as opposed to last night when she was mad at me for finally waking up. Not really sure where this is going. I still dont expect her to come racing back, but Im still wondering about all her curiosity about the house, her frustration with work and how I might be able to turn that to my advantage.
Seems maybe there are a few things I CAN offer her afterall that he cant, besides the obvious. I KNOW my new place is smaller then where she is now and it would be cramped for sure but................
Not really sure how to play this just yet. Although I know myself well enough to know that if she mentioned coming back I would most certainly jump at it. BUT, one requirement would certainly be an IMMEDIATE divorce from him, and I seriously doubt she's anywhere close to trusting me that much to do that. Plus I still have to figure out exactly where their kids fit in the scheme of things. I know they will have to have some kind of continuing contact because they have kids together, the question is how to balance that with standing my ground on making it clear if we are to reconcile that there be NO contact beyond whats necessary for the kids sake, if thats even possible.
