Hey D4ML, don't panic--this is going to be part of what you will have to go through.
No matter WHAT Forrest and you are discussing, your H doesn't "know" what it is. What your H is, is very, very sensative. Very--he is more emotional than you, and can "smell" change just by looking at you.
So he doesn't "know", but he knows there is "something" going on. He has seen you lately and there has been movement on your part. He notices and sees everything about that and you.
That's why it's imparative to get you into a better mind set--he will be intrigued by a better attitude, and repulsed by a negative/angry/depressed mindset.
The chances of him coming to THIS website and seeing THIS thread and reading about himself HERE are very remote--I have seen it happen (mostly when the couple is still in the same place and the H or W snoops), but again--very, very rare.
If he found this, it would be a sign he is intrigued. He'll never snoop into your life if he's repulsed.
So do you think he's snooping? good!! Progress!!
You are doing SOoo much better--and it's getting "movement". It's nothing to fear--you have to face it and progress makes it come.
There is a "Field of Dreams" analagy in here somewhere--if you "think movement", it will come.
i guess the reason why i am very suspicious is because forrest laid out the rules for me. one of which was "avoid him at all cost. if you think he's going to be there, don't go." ok. got it. however. we play at the same squash club. squash has been the one thing that has kept me sane throughout this so far. it's my 'happy' place. initially, when i showed up at squash, he'd see me, pack up his stuff, and then leave. after forrest laid out the ground rules, he no longer leaves. it's as if he knows that i'm supposed to avoid the place where he's supposed to be. so he shows up at squash but now, he doesn't leave when he sees me there. am i supposed to leave? i don't want to. but then i'd be breaking forrest's rule.
i want to stick to forrest's rules but i don't want to avoid squash just because he's there. i'm having trouble sticking to that particular rule and i'm really trying to 'do the work'.
i also believe he's aware of the cupcake idea. when i ran into him, he asked if there was a reason for my phone call. i mentioned other things but when i didn't talk about the cupcakes, he pressed "was there anything else?". i said no.
there is one thing that i see happening. you know how much fun i have playing squash. and i talk about how it's my happy place and i leave feeling good. i love being around my friends and i have a smile on my face. h is glum. hardly ever has a smile on his face. not friendly. and people are not drawn to him. but the other day, my friends were doing drills on the court and having fun. guess who asks to join in on the fun?
Your H will always sense any movement in you--he doesn't "know" about the cupcakes, but just the intent is getting him thinking. He "knows" there was something going on. He's intrigued.
And that was a pretty dismal effort on your part.lol. Imagine how much better you will be next time!
next time you invite him, no pressure or expectations
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
next time you invite him, no pressure or expectations
problem here is. this is what i've done throughout our entire m. usually, it would be me who would set up a good/challenging game for him. otherwise, he'd be stuck playing with beginners or people who do not want to team up with him.
should i not be doing a 180 here? not include him? this is one of the benefits you lose when you are no longer with me? and shouldn't i let him come to me?
next time you invite him, no pressure or expectations
problem here is. this is what i've done throughout our entire m. usually, it would be me who would set up a good/challenging game for him. otherwise, he'd be stuck playing with beginners or people who do not want to team up with him.
should i not be doing a 180 here? not include him? this is one of the benefits you lose when you are no longer with me? and shouldn't i let him come to me?
I agree then if you normally did these kind of things. I like your tone now you are using "I" phrases and thinking.
Was squash something you two did while dating or newly married?
Do you run into him anywhere else?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"i was nervous. and was probably happy that he didn't answer the door."
This is what you need to work on. He wants out.. or away from you for whatever his reasons are. He still is someone you know.. he is still someone you were/are friends with. You have to understand that it is easy to push someone away with words. You just need to watch for when you are coming on too strong. Nothing to be nervous about. The idea is that when/if you interact with him.. or anyone else.. you can put you mind into your GAL activity and think about the situation with a distanced mind. You will find that if you are not focused on the "meeting" it becomes easier to let things go with the flow.
"he might call security and say that i'm harassing him."
Maybe. That would be fine. Again.. don't do anything quite yet to make that happen.
"on a serious note, i want to buy the house though. regardless of everything, the house is on the top of the list."
I understand. Don't change your list.. just keep it close and don't act quite yet. Having a goal is important.
"you make it sound like it's going to get worse. how wonderful."
It getting worse.. is in a way wonderful. Again.. DB'ing is about trying things.. and monitoring the outcome. Then using that info to hone your new found creative ways. If you make it worse.. you know to stop. If it gets a little better.. try again. You also have to look at the situation from all points of view. Did you do something to screw up its effectiveness? There is not a ton of things you can do that will affect this either way. You keep hearing that.. cause it is true. But it is not the road block you think it is. Michelle focused on the chasing because it is the first thing 99% of people do. It is not the act of chasing that is at fault. It is that people keep doing it even when it is failing. Chasing the cheese! (You did read the books right?)
"when he didn't answer the door, i didn't freak out. i'm hoping that anything else that comes this way, i will handle it the same way."
This.. is a small step! Good for you.
"the good thing is, i leave feeling good so i always have a smile on my face."
Keep it up.
"anyway, my ic would like me to go to my family doctor. she says my doctor needs to know what's going on with me. she also believes that i may need more intensive therapy than what she is providing me."
On the first 2 statements of that I agree. Unless you can get it under control.
On the 3rd statement.. you are getting some pretty intensive therapy here.
I think that if you can get the sleep.. eat right.. and work on yourself. You might be surprised at what you can accomplish. Remember anger needs something to feed on.. so it will keep you going in a circle. If it is overwhelming.. then again.. go see the doc!
"we ended up playing a game that night."
That is some "Crazy Talk!" right there!! No WAY! I was sure he hated you and never wanted to see you again! God.. I hate it when I am wrong!
"i'm not reading much into it as i believe he's only putting up a front."
Which front is real though? It is a question you do not need to answer. It is just a statement by me.
"I wasn't being literal."
I had to laugh at that.
"i'm having a difficult time posting as i believe my h is using forrest's advice against me."
I am not sure he could use anything against you. Nothing I have told you to do has the intention of getting a reaction from him. If he is reacting to what I have said.. then he is not very good at playing the game. Cause he is showing his hand.
I agree with LauraOH 100%.
She has some very good observations in her post.
"am i supposed to leave? i don't want to. But then i'd be breaking forrest's rule."
They are ground rules. Let me put it to you this way.. if you break a rule.. and do something silly.. I am gonna call you out on it. If you break a rule and act smartly about it.. I am likely to look the other way. I knew when posting the rule that you went to the same club and lived in the same building. Hence my "If you get trapped". Now.. you will notice that just by me saying.. do this.. if you see him, made you stop and think for a sec. Did you stand up straight? Did you smile?
"but the other day, my friends were doing drills on the court and having fun. guess who asks to join in on the fun?"
So.. what you are saying.. is that people that are having fun.. attract people that want to have fun? I was sure I posted that somewhere on here!
"next time you invite him, no pressure or expectations"
Walk in expecting him to join you.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Was squash something you two did while dating or newly married?
yes. squash was something we did as friends, while dating, and during m. we play it year round. but after he dropped the d-bomb, we stopped playing together. people at the club knew we were joined at the hip.
we made a good team.
Quote:
Do you run into him anywhere else?
not really. but squash is something we both really enjoy playing. we used to play ultimate frisbee and tennis but call me vain .. staying out in the sun will age my skin. i take care of my skin because it is my best feature .. i have been told.
but then i'd be breaking forrest's rule.
i take care of my skin because it is my best feature .. i have been told. 