Regarding trying to force counseling, I'd strongly suggest you put that idea on hold for a few months and revisit it after that.
Absolutely no forcing it, and I don't think I'll even bring it up until I see more forward moving steps from him. But I know that for me, I am going to need MC to address rebuilding trust and better styles of communication that may work for us. Just having a person talk with us and give ideas would be helpful for me. I don't know if Gabe will find it helpful, he hates talking about himself or his problems which is why the couple of times he tried IC he quit after one session because he was too uncomfortable and just clammed up.
Quote:
The immediate task is to get very clear about the boundary regarding contact with OW -- it is NOT OK + he needs to take clear transparent steps to stop in from happening in the future.
Absolutely true. That is my HUGE sticking point. I've already told him that there can be no contact with her. Now I need to see the follow through on that. Is it best to just be totally blunt with him and tell him outright what I need to see happen?
i.e. - "Gabe, in order to move our R forward I need to know that you have no contact with the broom. In order to ensure that, I need you to de-friend her on FB, call her with me listening on speaker phone and tell her that you are building a new relationship and can not have any contact with her at all - no phone calls, text messages, facebook or email and no dropping in on your place of employment, and then delete her from your phone entirely. In order to acheive transparency I would like to have open access to your phone with no erased texts, access to your email, again without deleting your deleted messages, and access to your facebook account. I am not saying that I don't trust you, I am going forward in faith that you want our R to grow and to rebuild our trust fully, but these are the things I feel I need in order to begin that process."
What do you think?
Quote:
See? And, I don't often hear you say things like "I feel really good." PAY ATTENTION. You did something for yourself that made your life better and it did not hinge on Gabe's reaction.
Absolutely paying attention. I was so scared to do that but I had to overcome my own fears and stand up for myself. Wow, that did feel really good. I just might be growing up a little!!! LOL.
Quote:
I can't believe you didn't take advantage of the Ambien + apology to have wild, crazy, uninhibited, Ambien-fueled, makeup sex.
Oh, don't think it didn't cross my mind!!! I would have if I could have kept my head from spinning and making me feel sick to my stomach!! I didn't think throwing up on him would make a very good impression. Of course, I threw up all over his shoes when we were dating and I had horrible bronchitis that turned into pneumonia and he still asked me to marry him the next month.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Great, a few edits... And, YES, you are saying you don't trust him, don't play games...
"Gabe,
You were so brave and loving last night. You were my knight in shining armour. Thanks for your apology and reassurance that ours is a relationship that we both want. We are both growing so much, and it feels good to do it together, scary and hard as it is.
Moving forward, feeling so insecure and scared doesn't work for me and I'm pretty sure it isn't any fun for you either. So, let's change that. I want concrete reassurance that you plan to have no contact with the broom. This includes no phone calls, text messages, facebooking, emailing, or in-person visits at work or elsewhere. No contact, period. And, I want for all of us to be very clear on this. So, either call her with me listening on speaker phone and tell her that you are building a new relationship and cannot have any contact with her at all - no phone calls, text messages, facebook or email and no dropping in on your place of employment, and then delete her from your phone entirely. Or, write her a letter, and let me read it and mail it to her. Moving to no contact is a very important step for both of us moving forward, together.
Also, I need some concrete reassurance as we rebuild trust that my trust is well-placed. This requires transparency. We don't need secrets if we are being honest with each other -- so, to help increase my level of trust, I'd like to have open access to your phone with no erased texts, access to your email, again without deleting your deleted messages, and access to your facebook account. I'm happy to offer you the same. I believe that you want our R to grow and to rebuild our trust fully. So do I. These are the things I feel I need in order to begin that process.
BTW, I'd still like some belated hot make-up sex. If you can deliver, I'll make it worth your while."
And, be sure to tell him how great he was last night. Let him feel good, he deserves it. It was no easy thing for him to do.
Plus, there is still the belated make-up sex...
BTW, here's a thought -- maybe the broom stuff started brewing because he feels just as scared, insecure and confused about where things are going as you do. Your coping mechanism is self-abuse. His coping mechanism is external validation from OW.... Something to think about if/when you get to therapy to discuss how to avoid cheating -- he needs a new coping mechanism for stress, hurt, fear, confusion...
FAIR WARNING... There very nearly certainly WILL be one or a few more incidents with OW. If he does a no contact call or letter, there will probably be a rebound "closure" contact incident, for instance. And later, some other test. Be prepared. Choose to accept the risk. Stick to your boundary. He'll need to reaffirm his commitment to no contact and take corrective action. He has to learn how to be monogomous again. It takes time. Give him a chance to learn, but stick to your boundaries. Any transgressions are NOT OK. But you can work through and past them together.
He is at work now but I did send him a text thanking him for taking her off his facebook and for taking these next steps with me. I plan to give him much more praise when he gets home tonight and then spell out what else I need to happen. We'll see if the hot makeup sex occurs after that. He just might freak again, but who knows....
Oh Lord, this is still freaking me out.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I didn't think throwing up on him would make a very good impression. Of course, I threw up all over his shoes when we were dating and I had horrible bronchitis that turned into pneumonia and he still asked me to marry him the next month. 
