And here I am .... H's MLC ....

[Mach1]

Mach - that's not my name - it's a fake name - not even remotely related to my real name so no violation.

A

I have just seen some crazy things in the past.....

Including a fake name...

And I don't want to see you go...

It is still a contact point...

: )

[cat04]

Pei and others,

The intimacy issue. Always a big one.

In my sitch, my H continued to want to be intimate with me the entire time, well over two years post bomb. Each and every time, which were always initiated by him, was followed with some sort of version of "I am sorry, we shouldn't have done that, I didn't mean for that to happen."

We are much further down the road now, I have told him I am done, but we continue to share a residence until I move out of state, and he continues to make comments, no more outward gestures, but comments, that he would LIKE to be intimate again. It has been 10 months. He is with OW, has been for years, and that does not matter to him.

For a long time, I thought, hoped, that it would keep the connection. What it really did, was shatter me, make me hate it when it did happen, because I knew he was with someone else, because I became a body and not a person, and it allowed him to still have some sort of control over me. Making the choice to not continue the behavior was not an easy one, it took me a long time to get to that point.

By the time I got there, I knew that I would be able to have a physical relationship with anyone because if I could subject myself to that, then, I could be physical with anyone, but I didn't think I could ever have an emotional relationship with another person ever again.

Since, I have found love. The difference in the physical relationship that has developed, is night and day. The trust, the comfort, the intimacy is unparalleled. Because there is a R beyond that. I can very honestly say that I will never simply have a physical encounter with anyone again. Because I know the difference now.

Something that along our journey through H's MLC, I had forgotten. There is a difference. Please be very careful with your heart. Because you may be ok with this for now, but if it continues, for months or years, it will drain your self esteem. Even if you are strong in other areas, it can be very damaging. It is OK to NOT be intimate if it is NOT good for you.

Very ok.

I didn't think so for a long time. Now I know better.

It is a personal choice that we all have to make, but I did want to share my personal perspective and experience.

[PEI]

Please be very careful with your heart. Because you may be ok with this for now, but if it continues, for months or years, it will drain your self esteem. Even if you are strong in other areas, it can be very damaging. It is OK to NOT be intimate if it is NOT good for you.

Very ok.

I didn't think so for a long time. Now I know better.

It is a personal choice that we all have to make, but I did want to share my personal perspective and experience.

Thanks Cat... it's something I'm very aware of. Especially with my history and background. To my knowledge, there is no PA ... if there was, or if I was aware of a current one, I would not be considering it. Some do, not me. It's kind of an 'evaluate each instance' thing for me. I need to step back and see what I'm doing and why. If I feel myself slipping away or feeling damaged I will pull back. I'll have to. I refuse to lose myself in this process - I'm supposed to be finding myself.

Thank you so much for your very honest and personal take on the issue ...

Peace
PEI

[MHL]

I feel fine afterwards ... at least until he starts with the 'I didn't mean for that to happen' stuff. I told him 'hey, we enjoy each other, no need to feel bad' which I just - at this very minute - realized was not very validating!

I felt fine after also, just now I have to be patient b/c I know she still doesn't trust me to not fall back into old habits. When she called this morning and said "that should not have happened and that she felt remorseful" all I said back to her was, "I understand why you feel that way".

I also made sure not to ask any questions. I made that mistake last week when I asked if she was going to file for D in a couple of months.

I heard someone say (or read somewhere - I'm really losing track!) 'women need to feel connected to have sex, men need to have sex to feel connected'. Seems to be pretty true if you ask me.

PEI

Absolutely it is true, it is an cycle that can tear down a marriage. He needs intimacy to feel loved and she needs to feel loved in order to be intimate.

I am not going to push it with my W, b/c I know her guard will be up and I need to show her the unconditional love with no pressure before that will happen again.

I am certainly not making recomendations for you but I would imagine that being intimate with your H will help with the "feeling connected" piece. I think you have to do what feels right "for you" in this particular situation.

Sounds like you are headed in the right direction, it is still a time and patience thing for us all.

[PEI]

I wish I'd handled it in a validating way. But if wishes were fishes ....

I'm choosing to learn from it rather than beat myself up over it. Now I can see how invalidating my response was and should I get the opportunity again, I'll be ready.

I'm not going to push it either, I think that I also need to show my H unconditional love and no pressure. It's going to take time for him to truly feel the changes. I have no intention of pushing him away or rejecting him should he want to be intimate, but I won't pressure him either. This is not the time for me to get demanding. I intend to let him know I am attracted to him and open to intimacy without any pressure for action. As usual, I am walking a tightrope - I don't want to go backwards and have him feel rejected or undesirable - it was a major obstacle for us 12 or so years ago, and it did major damage to his self esteem.

Time and patience. Time is my friend ... patience is someone I am getting aquainted with

Peace
PEI

[PEI]

And for those of who are following along ...

Just in case you're wondering, no, my head is not in the sand. I know there are several possibilities for why my H seems to have cooled a bit towards me.

1. He's trying to back off and clear his head and do what he said he wanted/needed to do, and/or he's trying to do the right thing and not engage in physical intimacy while he says he doesn't love me.

2. He's fukcing her.

Seeing as we're not in a place where we're 'working on us' and this is supposed to be time he's using for himself, I'm choosing to not dwell on it. I'm doing what I said and not acting on feelings/beliefs/thoughts ... only on what I KNOW for sure. Confirmation at this point could very well send me over the edge so I am not pursuing it. All will be revealed as I am ready for it and strong enough to deal with it from a place of peace, not anger.

Peace
PEI

[MHL]

Seeing as we're not in a place where we're 'working on us' and this is supposed to be time he's using for himself, I'm choosing to not dwell on it.
PEI

Esay to say, even easy to choose, hard to do.

.....that is to not dwell on it.

Trying the same approach, but difficult....today is easier than yesterday.

The intimacy thing seems like such a big step (not a baby step) in our sitches. And in a healthy M, intimacy is huge but in this sitch it is another baby step.....well maybe just a little bigger than a baby step.

The frustrating thing is you want to see that next positive sign, you want to link one to another to another and just keep it going, build momentum. That is where the patience is required....soooo hard sometimes to wait for the next positive sign, thus the focusing on yourself and making yourself a better person.

[PEI]

Seeing as we're not in a place where we're 'working on us' and this is supposed to be time he's using for himself, I'm choosing to not dwell on it.
PEI

Esay to say, even easy to choose, hard to do.

.....that is to not dwell on it.

Sure is, but that's why I'm not snooping or digging for info. Any little thing that seemed off would send me into a tailspin, and I am choosing not to suffer. In a sense I guess I have the advantage of a whole lot less info than some, such as yourself. I have the whole "ignorance is bliss" thing going for me.

The intimacy thing seems like such a big step (not a baby step) in our sitches. And in a healthy M, intimacy is huge but in this sitch it is another baby step.....well maybe just a little bigger than a baby step.

I would agree that it certainly seems like a step forward in your sitch, in mine we've been intimate sporadically since the bomb dropped so I'm not sure what it means. That's why I can't dwell. It felt different leading up to it this time, as I described above ... the 'coolness' so to speak. I could easily drive myself crazy trying to guess at any of this. I'm learning to prepare for the worst and hope for the best (that's a poor paraphrase I know!). Talking to Eric last night he helped me to see that I need to be prepared to handle anything, decide in advance what I will do and how I will handle it. Life seems to always throw curve balls when you least expect them (such as finding the EA the morning after my 4 yo neices memorial service, and spending the night 'with' H) so I've decided to try to identify all the "what if's", decide on a course of action and then let it go. I don't want to carry them around with me and live in a negative, worst case scenario, doomsday kind of place (that is soooo not 'law of attraction' friendly!) but I do want to have some confidence in my ability to respond, instead of react, to whatever comes my way.

The frustrating thing is you want to see that next positive sign, you want to link one to another to another and just keep it going, build momentum. That is where the patience is required....soooo hard sometimes to wait for the next positive sign, thus the focusing on yourself and making yourself a better person.

Yep, I am so with ya on this one. The hardest part is not attaching any expectations or meanings to it. It is what it is. Everytime we have a fun family day or he initiates contact or we're intimate or he compliments me I want to jump up and down and scream "YES" ... see, here we go, we're on our way! That's not how it works. Time. Patience. GAL. Stop waiting for signs. They are what they are. I'm getting strong - for me, so I can be the best woman, mommy, friend and wife I can.

Peace
PEI

[PEI]

Just got a call from the EAP and I have my first appointment with my new IC on Thursday morning. Should be interesting!

[beingreal]

Oh, cat...your entire post just made me want to cry. All of it. Thank you so much for putting your heart out there for us. (((hugs)))

Seeing as we're not in a place where we're 'working on us' and this is supposed to be time he's using for himself, I'm choosing to not dwell on it. I'm doing what I said and not acting on feelings/beliefs/thoughts ... only on what I KNOW for sure. Confirmation at this point could very well send me over the edge so I am not pursuing it. All will be revealed as I am ready for it and strong enough to deal with it from a place of peace, not anger.

Amen, sista.

I actually went snooping early on. I don't know why. I knew what I expected to find, I just have no idea what I was going to do with it. I found nothing that even hinted at an A. Of course, I found perhaps two references to me...small references. Not the name calling, bashing, hateful words I'd expected. I guess he'd been saving those for in person.

My point is, I think we all wonder. I think most of us snoop at some point. But you are right--be careful what you go looking for. In my case, I found nothing & felt...nothing. I still didn't have anything to blame his behavior on. I didn't have any proof that I wasn't crazy. I had nothing.

Except the guilt from having snooped.

You are right in not wanting to know. Even if it seems too difficult to resist...do resist. It doesn't matter what you do or don't find. We can't change what they are doing--I don't even want to know anymore if he finds a GF.

I can't let that affect me & my journey. We can't go forward if we are glancing over our shoulder to see wth they are doing now. kwim??

you are doing great, girlie.